I just don't get my 13 yr old stepdaughter..please help.?

Question

My step daughter is 13 and my husband recently got her. She grew up in an unstable home. Mom always moved a lot. Sometimes living with other people. Her mother has 4 kids from 3 different fathers..she gave one up for adoption. Her mother likes to go out a lot and she leaves the kids alone with her to babysit. Now she is in a home where we go to church (I'm a Sunday school teacher) with rules. She gets upset when she can't hang with friends after school. She likes to back talk my husband and I. When her father grounds her, she cries and says she wants to go home to her mother and she calls her and all drama starts. Every time she comes, she wants to do whatever she wants and sometimes my husband just lets it slide. Now she wants to go home again and my husband is heart broken! I want him to be a FATHER and put his foot down! She's telling people I'm mean but I'm not! I don't deal with her, dad does. My son is 8 and I don't want him to grow up around her attitude. HELP!

When she came up, had OLD clothes..I went shopping for her...I do everything for her! I told her I love her the way i love my own son but I don't know what else to do?? Why does she hate me so much!!

She does not tell us she's going anywhere after school and comes home like 3 hrs later...

Answer 1

i had the same problem and still have with my stepdaughter, some things need to change in order for her to straighten up .

no matter how unfit her mother was , it is still her mother, and everyone loves there mother deep down , you need to sit down with her and tell her you understand she loves her mother, that thats perfectly normal and you want her to have a good relationship with her mom , that your not taking the place of her mother, but you will be a mother figure in her life.

she was use to house with no rules (not to mention shes a teenager and dont like rules to begin with ) so moving to your house , where there are rules and morals , is a culture shock to her, not to mention she misses her mom and siblings and probally misses her old laid back no rules lifestyle.

when enforcing rules , dont just tell her what to do , you will get NO WHERE LIKE THAT , shes at an age where she needs learn that all of her actions will have consequeces good or bad, and in 4 more years she will be an adult and will have no one to listen to on how to do things.

write up a home rules contract, so that she knows whats expected of her(you can google for an idea teen home rules contract) laying it down on paper to the T of whats expected of her and what happens if she does this or doesnt will cut out on tons of fights, will get you and hubby on same page and for you both to come across as one in disciplinary matters, cause hubby isnt gonna be there 24/7 to help you enforce the rules.

start by writing the rule , an example of one i had was no cussing, screaming, yelling or talking back , the consequence was no tv, phone calls in or out computer etc..

privileges to this rule where access to phone, computer and the respect and trust on her father and I .

set each rule with the rule , the consequece then the privilege, a privilege might include extra money on allowance .

sit down with hubby have him help you out writing it , and make one for you son also, have both kids sign it and give them a copy , now they know flat out what is expected of them and what will happen if they dont follow it .

One thing that happened here , was my step daughter could call her mother when ever she wanted, but if she was mad about something she wasnt getting her way with , we didnt allow her to call up her mother and complain about how horrible it was here, her mother would usually bad talk us and get the kid more upset , when she got upset we would send her to her room and tell her when you calm down then you can call who ever you wish. Dad needs to get over his my kids an angel the divorce and move was so hard on her , i cant bring myself to discipline her mindset. disciplining her is about love , its loving your child enought to explain to them what they did wrong so they can grow into productive adults and not whiney , self centered adults. i wouldnt let her go back in forth , that will only make the rift between dad and daughter wider, she will feel that her acting out gets result and will continue and in the long run she will feel dad didnt care enough about her to try his best , but gave up and let her go back to mom . after giving her the rules explain that they are for her own good and because you love her, that if you didnt care for her you would let her do as she pleases. but she is living with you now and you are responsible for her and her actions. When she tells people your mean id confront her about it , ask her how you are being mean ? say , me having rules and setting guidelines for you to follow is mean , then yes im up there with the rest of the mean parents of the world that care about their children . you need to start dealing with her also , she needs to know that you can also give rules, and that you should be listened to . Life isnt easy and im sure this wont be the hardest thing your son will go through , through her example he will learn how not to treat you and that you mean business , the only way it would rub off on him is if you let this teeanger get away with this attitude. Hang in there, get your husband to get going , communicate with him , make sure your on the same page , work together, or your children will see the rift between you and play you like a fiddle and against each other.

Answer 2

There's a lot going on here. Her parents are not a family, she's got siblings all over the place. She was moving all over. Absolutely no stability. Her mother has not been an example to her nor her father in the sense that for whatever reason a home and family that had stability, rules, boundaries and structure was not possible and did not happen.

Then toss in teenage hormones, peer pressure, school, it's a mess!

You and your husband need to nip this in the bud NOW. Do not wait, trust me, you will regret it. I would get her with a really good therapist. Someone who cannot be manipulated, someone who will call her on her game and get in her face. You need to have strict boundaries and rules. No tv, no phone, no computer, no cell phone, no ds, no game boy, no anything. Bedtime at 9:00 pm. Check homework. Pick her up from school if you can. No nothing. When she talks back, hubby needs to get in her face, and let her know she will not talk that way. When she doesn't come home from school you need to inform her that next time the police will be called and she will be reported missing. Your husband is crucial here. He has to be consistant and set down the rules, firm and hard.
NO phone priviledges. Nothing in her room but a bed, dresser, night stand and desk. No radio, computer, nothing.

I would definitely pick her up from school. If she doesn't come home, set something up with the school that she must report to the office immediately after her last class and then report to the bus.

There are not a lot of programs out there for 13 year olds unless you can afford about $5000 a month. Keep on top of this and be strong. But remember, if you and your husband are not on the same page this will not work and it will become a huge problem between you. It almost broke up my marriage. Our child started having problems at age 10, nearly destroying our home and now at 15 is worse. She leaves for The National Guard Boot Camp in January for 5 1/2 months and then I don't know what we can do.

Don't let this slip. You will regret it. And don't worry about if she hates you. All teens hate their parents. Parent her, don't worry about if she's your friend or likes you. What's most important is that she have structure and routine and strict guidelines.

Good luck.

Answer 3

she needs boundaries. she's 13, and she's difficult anyway, but there need to be consequences for her actions. and you can't dish those out, because you don't want to be the big bad lady that married her wonderful dad and is SOOO mean, right? your husband does need to put his foot down and be a father.

maybe she can hang out with her friends after school, but only at the house, and only if she's been doing her homework consistently and has good grades. maybe when she talks back, she gets something taken away, like a phone or a computer or an mp3 player. and if she doesn't come straight home, or goes out after school without calling you and checking in with you FIRST, she loses privileges hanging out with her friends.

and if the relationship between your husband and her mother is okay, he should tell her whatever he plans for this sort of deal, and make sure she agrees, so the girl doesn't go crying to her mom and the mom sweeps in to come rescue her.

Answer 4

After all she has been through instead of asking why she's the way she is, you should be asking why shouldn't she be?

I agree, that your husband needs to put his foot down.
Her behaviour needs to be met with a united front.
However, if he's been out of her picture too much, and her mom was her only authority figure (which sounds like no authority at all) then you and your husband have a battle on your hands.
If you really do love this child and want to save her, then you have be prepared to go to war with her, and you have be committed to stay in it until YOU win, or don't even try at all.
You are also quite right to recognize that your 8yo son needs to be protected as well. Even if it means that the 13yo has to be sacrificed.

If it were me, and I wanted to help her, then I would pull on every available resource that I could afford to muster.
That would include and not be limited to professional family councelling as well as individual councelling for the child.
She's been through a lot. Of course she's resistant to being in an environment where control are in place, because it's not familiar to her. Plus she's going to test your resolve in this. From her perspective all of her parental figures have let her down so she's going to do everything she can to control the time and place when you do it to her as well.
It will be a tough hill to climb if you are determined to prove to her that this time she has a home she can count on.

Good Luck!

Answer 5

honey i really have been there my husband had 4 kids when i met him 2 girls and 2 boys the girls were in their teens and they hated me. but now we have a great relationship. here is what you do and i seen that you are a sunday school teacher and you go to church then you have to LET GO AND LET GOD !!! give her to him and pray and he will never put you through anything that he does not think you can handle she is just looking for drama and wants to be a snot and when you do not back down from her and STOP the madness then she will stop and tell your husband that he needs to help and you both need to be on the same page . you can not be your kids best friend but you can be their friend but you need to know where the line is. and when she comes home late then you take the most important thing that she loves away from her and then set the rules and when she shows her butt then take something else away from her until she sees that you r not playing her game . trust me i have been trough this for 7 years i have been cussed at told that i have been mean to them and everything so just trust me

Answer 6

Mostly she is 13, and has grown this far without supervision and a stable home. Stop doing things for her. Don't go out of your way for her. She has basically been the one put in charge of the other children it is hard for her. You may need to get involved in the discipline with your husband.
If you could you might want to get some family counseling to help her adjust to the changes that are going on for her and you.
If you back him up in the discipline he will feel more comfortable putting his foot down with her.
This June Cleaver wait until your father gets home does not work. Let her cry let her call. If she really wanted to go she would be gone.
Compromise on friends they can come to your house and hang out. That way you can keep an eye on what is going on.

Answer 7

Because for once in her life she has rules, limitations, and boundries. If she wants to go back babysitting, with no or dirty clothes thats her choice, however if she was adopted tough titty for her. Shes legally bound with you until 18. I'm sorry sweety, daddy/husband has to step up and be a dad knowmatter how hard it is. Not far 4 u to play bad cop all the time. You also have to think of her as your own , not my husbands daughter or my step daughter. Hubby has to lay the law down, however compromise, tell her a couple friends can come to your house, under your supervision, and if she doesnt agree with that then shes just spoiled. Maybe once a week you can tell her to hang out with friends for 1 hr, if there druggies, I agree with you. i hope you got help on here. You both have to make it seem to her that she got the upside of the deal, not the bad side.

Answer 8

I go through the same thing. I have figured that she gets to do whatever at her mothers house, no rules or anything. Now that she is with you two and have rules, she doesn't like it. It doesn't matter what you give her or what you do for her. She would rather have freedom than good clothes or anything. I don't know how you feel about your kids and church, but maybe letting her decide on being religious. My kids go on their own. Maybe letting her earn freedom after school or even after church? With your husband, mine is the same way. He lets it go because he wants his kids to want to be with him. His kids want to go to mom's all the time also and breaks his heart as well as mine seeing him that way. When they are older and you two are there and her mother isn't, then she will understand. Sorry I couldn't help you, i haven't really figured it out completely myself. Good luck!!!!!!

Answer 9

You have to understand that such a life style has caused her to have her childhood and adulthood bleeding together. She may very well feel like she has the right to make her own decisions as an adult because she may be used to doing so; whether they are destructive decisions or not. So when you guys are doing whats best for her she may feel like you are treating her like a baby and limiting her freedom (which may be safest to her) but she will not understand that. She has to know that YOUR HOUSE means YOUR RULES. SO she simply wants to leave and have the freedom most preteens and teens CRAVE. I say PICK YOUR BATTLES carefully and STICK to them. Let her know up front what is tolerable and what is not. THEN LET HER KNOW WHY!!! if she doesn't agree NEGOTIATE SOME things...like if her curfew is 10pm and she wants 12am than go 11pm so that you BOTH gave up an hour. that way she thinks she won a little but you did too. and if she wants to hang with friends after school tell her you want to know where and who than tell her she has ONE hour ONLY on Tues. and Thurs. that way she still gets some time but NOT too much and so on and so on. hopes this sets a foundation or helps. ; )

Answer 10

She's used to getting her way and not having to follow any rules. She's also playing the two of you and getting away with it. Yes, it does hurt when kids act that way, especially when she's not getting her way, she's just being 13 and believe me, it is tough, been there & done that. Anyway, make the rules and stick to them and don't allow her to run back and forth between dad and mom, put your feet down & keep them down. Yes, she'll be mad, but she'll eventually get over it too. I have had to deal with stepdaughters as well, they eventually figured out that I'm not the wicked witch that they tried to make me out to be & we get along great now. Don't try to be her mother, but be the mom to your son, and include her but don't put up with the crap that a teen age girl can dish out. Also let her know that you don't condone her attitude and that you will also not put up with it from her or your son.

Good luck, and you and your husband stick to your guns on it!

Answer 11

I'm sure she doesn't hate you. Bear in mind one thing she is 13, that is a rebellious age all on it's own. Testing limits, giving attitude and breaking rules. Add on top of that , she has never had a stable home with stable rules and guidance. She's lived in an environment that was a whatever she wanted world. Be patient with her, don't force her to do things she doesn't want to do until she is ready. Her father needs to be forceful and not let her run home to that poor excuse for a mother. That only enables her hurtful ways. Be consistent with her be her parent not her friend, but at the same time create a bond with her. Give it time no miracles happen over night.