What's UR opinion on my daughter & boyfriend of 3 yrs. moving out of their apartment & into his dad's house?

Question

My 23 yr old daughter's been living w/her boyfriend for 3 yrs & R contemplating moving out bcuz they can't afford it anymore. She's now in nursing school fulltime so she can't work due 2 the extremely challenging classes. She is however working 1day/wk @ a hospital. He makes very good money but his hobby consumes a lot of it. He has a lot of bills which also include quite a bit of money spent monthly on his bodybuilding diet, supplements, protein, gym membership, & who knows what else. My daughter is draining her savings acct. 2 pay her 1/2 the bills & can no longer afford living out on her own. She wanted 2 move home where she would have her own room & bathroom, no bills, & no chores so she can concentrate on college. Her boyfriend says he can't live w/o her & keeps pressuring her 2 move in2 his dad's house w/him where I know she'll end up being a maid. I know their relationship won't last then. He says if they don't live there it won't last. They've been arguing alot about it. IDEAS?

I'm paying for her college education, books, and all college expenses. I also pay any leftover medical, vision, and dental bills. I give money once in a great while just to help out. I also give groceries, meat, fish, poultry etc., on ocation. I try to do what I can financially but I do have a 20 yr. old, 23 yr. old, 25 yr. old adult kids, and a 2 yr. old granddaughter. I help out A LOT financially for ALL 3 kids. I babysit my granddaughter 3 x's/wk. driving 1 hr each way.
My daughter IS concerned about moving in with her boyfriend, his dad and brother becuz she doesn't want anything to come between their relationship. I think she's afraid if she doesn't the relationship won't last and if she does, there will be so much tension and stress, she'll resent him and they'll break up. If he doesn't get his way or he's super sensitive with her about something she's said, he tells her he's leaving cuz he cant stand being around her. He can be so cruel to her. He has a bit of a temper

Answer 1

Yes, try and get your daughter to move back in with you by putting it to her like this.
Tell her you understand she's been out on her own for a long time now and you can respect that and you are very proud of her. Tell her there is nothing wrong with taking one step back in order to go forward. ..and that one step back would be only "for her good ", to be able to complete her nursing school without the hassles of having to take care of 2 men on top of her schedule.

Ask her to suggest to her bf. that he move back in w/ his dad while she moves back in w/ her mother so she can get back on track with saving her money and her school work.

They can still see each other, but to give it a try on both parts and just see how it goes. (Personally I hope she ends it with him) remind your daughter that he's saying this because he's desperate to have it his way and please don't feel threatened by it. If he's been making her pay half the bills after he makes good money and they STILL can't make it, he does not have her best interest at heart. sad but true and he will continue to bring her down with him if she goes w/ him.

Ask her to read all of this. So she won't think "it's just you opinion". I know a dead beat a mile away. That's something that comes with age and being with dead beats AFTER the fact.

Hey her boyfriend sounds extremly selfish in my book, and I don't care how much money he makes, i know that body buiding stuff is expensive especially if he's getting it from GNC.my son was on the weight and bulk stuff. It got on my nerves and we always fought about it., but once he moved out and had to pay his own way, he at least had the common sense thank goodnes to cut back over half of what he use to use.

Talk logical to your daughter,she sounds smart, responsible and like a wonderful daughter. Tell her you have no problem with her living there just leave a note or message if she's going to be over her bf's house only out of consideration and you won't expect her home. (this way, she doesn't get any negative fedback from you,because he's going to do enough for everyone on her)

Good luck mom, ask her wouldn't it be nice to be able to focus on her studies and have all the pressures taken off her for a change since she has been doing so well????

Make it sound like a dream come true. Try and not let the bf convience her she will have the life of luxery over there.

And do point out that if he does make really good money, why has he put them into this situation?
She's a smart girl, she'll know why..

Answer 2

Hi hon I may be wrong but seems to me your baby is with a very self-center selfish guy, maybe if he was more concern about her and her needs they would not have to move.All of the stuff he buys is very expensive so while he makes himself happy she has to empty her bank account? this is not fair to her. There use to be a song called what have you done for me lately, and that is the question your baby need to ask her self what has he done to make things easier for her? I think she needs to come home to mom where she is going to be taken care of and be able to start putting a little money back into her account.If she moves into his fathers house she now has 2 men to clean up after and with her studies(VERY IMPORTANT) and working that's too much she needs to tell him see you later we probably would not even be moving if you had thought more about me than your self.Nothing is going to keep me from finishing school and if you can not support me on this I don't need you.Please try and keep her from moving there she needs to come home. I do so hope this works out for the best, You are a good mom.

Answer 3

That's a tricky situation. In my experience, men who put that much time, effort, and money into body-building are generally very insecure and therefore possessive in relationships. I don't know this fellow, but I strongly suspect that this is why he wants her living with him at his dad's house as opposed to with her family (personally it sounds like you're giving her a much better deal...I would love to be able to live rent-free and focus on school!)

How does your daughter feel about all this? It sounds ilke she wants to move in with you, and maybe she doesn't appreciate her boyfriend pressuring her. If that's the case, tell her your opinion respectfully and let her take it from there. Unfortunately, since she's an adult, that's about all you can do.

Answer 4

Lynn, I think that your daughter's boyfriend is not commited to her because for being together that long, had marriage been talked about? It doesn't look like he is ready for any type of commitment to her. Look what he is doing to save money, doing nothing but spending money and her money on things that don't have nothing to do with wanting to get married.

Your daughter should never touch her savings account. It should be left alone. He is draining her! He is using her and is not interested in marriage. They both don't know anything about getting out of dept because they are putting themselves in dept now.

I think if he wanted to marry her, he would have paid all his bills, get married, and get their OWN place. He wants to move into his father's house because in case she leaves him, he still has a place to live. Doesn't your daughter see that he is not commited at all to her, but to himself and his body??

Saying that he can't live without her is bogus! He is saying things to her so she can feel sorry for him and so that she will not leave him. If they are arguing all the time, don't you agree that when they move with his dad it will just be the same or worse? This guy is not meant for her and I think she is wasting all her time with him when he is not husband material.

Since she 23 now doesn't mean she is an adult, not sure if you can talk to her because she seems like she already has her mind made up, unless reality hits in. I really think she should leave him until he gets all his dept paid or if he decides to grow up. She should go and move in with you so she can finish nursing school.

If you can talk to her like mother to daughter, hopefully she will listen to you and wake up. They are not ready for marriage at this point.

I would recommend her reading "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives." by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

By the way, they shouldn't be living together until they are married.

Answer 5

Not that my opinion will matter to her but shes trying to accomplish something and hes spending all this money on himself while she struggles. I say its a mistake to move in with his father and she should come home and finish her schooling. Hes a waste of a boyfriend.
If you can give her an incentive to move in with you til shes done with school do that. Like if you can afford to contribute to her education or help her with bills on top of the free rent. Anything to get rid of that loser shes with.

Answer 6

I've got an idea... Stop being an overbearing, intrusive presence in your daughter's life. She needs to make her own mistakes.

Answer 7

She needs to see this guy for what he is....a clingy selfish person that thinks the world revolves around him. Just hope she does see the light of things and dumps him soon.

Answer 8

Yes, let your daughter handle her own problems... and don't give unsolicited advice... if she makes a mistake by moving with his father, so be it.. her life, her choices.

Take care of YOU