I don't know what to do...?

Question

I'm a 20 y/o college girl. Three years ago my dad died of cancer and liver failure. While he was sick, I would come home from school and spend all afternoon and evening taking care of him and my younger brother because my mother would go out. He couldn't be left alone, so I was basically forced into that role. During the same period, five of my friends tried to kill themselves, one succeeded (Just for the record, this is not normal for my friends, I'd never known anyone in that situation before this). My best friend was one who tried and is now ok.
After my dad died, my mom became emotionally abusive, starting telling me how ashamed she was of me, how everything was my fault, how she'd be happier w/o me, and that I was making up all the stuff about taking care of my dad - she'd left me alone with him once or twice, and that was it. This went on to the point that I believed her and was convinced I was crazy. I told her I was going to move out, she totally exploded at me.

I'd asked her to go with me multiple times before, but she wouldn't because she said I was the problem, and she just didn't have time to be bothered with it. But before this summer, she decided she wanted it because I told her I was going to move out. We went like 3 times, and then I stopped because it ended up being her telling me that, again, everything was my fault, I had no right to be upset, and I was making things up. And she got mad at me for stopping going. Again, this made everything my fault, I was a horrible person, etc.
Through this whole thing, my best friend was a huge support for me. She was always there to listen and to do a little extra to show me she cared. When I told her I was leaving my mom's, she invited me to live with her and her family for the summer. I asked her repeatedly if she was sure that would be ok with her and her family, because I would end up like always being there and because I was going to be pretty upset when I got there. She said it was

So I resolved to go down there. My extended family told me, when they found out, that by being there, I was betraying the family because I should be taking care of my mom and trying to work things out there. I'd already tried everything I knew how to do.
When I got to my friend's, she wanted nothing to do with me because (she said this) I was upset. She avoided me and spent all her time in her room with her door closed. I went to my bros graduation partway through the summer, and when I was gone for that, she told me she was so much happier without me there, but it wasn't personal. I went back, I had nowhere else to go, and things stayed the same. At the end of the summer, there was a misunderstanding, she thought I was leaving a week earlier than I was and when she found out she was wrong asked me to leave anyway because she wanted the space. In the same conversation, she told me that she wasn't going to have time to talk to me much when she went back to school.

She is an RA this year and keeps telling me how busy she is. That night I just left for like 3, 4 hours. When I came back, her dad was really worried/concerned, told me he thought she was very wrong and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I told him no, it was too wierd to talk to the dad of the friend I was fighting with. A little later my friend came and asked if we could talk about it, which we did. She appologized and visibly felt really bad about the way she'd been acting. I stayed the extra week, then we went our separate ways - her back to school, me to her grandmother's for a week, my mom's for a week, and then school.
However, since we've been at school, she completely doesn't have time to talk to me - she's too busy to even find 10 min. every few days to send me an email. I talked to her about this, and she claims she kept trying harder/putting in more effort to make time for me. And then she got mad because I wasn't seeing it, and kept asking for more.

And she started saying that she felt like I was blaming her for everything and like I was invalidating her feelings. And finally she emailed me and told me she felt that I was being abusive. After that, someone took me to the ER because I was depressed as a result. I resolved not to talk to her for a while, but she IMed me later that week and said she still wanted to talk to me, just not about us. I have been so incredibly careful as to what I've said to her since then. And then, from my perception, she just stopped talking to me all together. I called her, and she just sat there and said I was abusive and she wasn't going to talk about us. Before thanksgiving, I asked her to sign on to talk because we literally weren't speaking to each other, and she did. In that conversation, she tore me apart and I just sat there and said ok and listened. I asked to talk to her again on sun. to ask her if she would consider coming to a counseling appointment with me over our break.

She told me she would consider it, but basically that she doesn't trust my motivation - which is that I want to talk to her with an unbiased 3rd person present, and because I can't explain to my counselor how I'm being abusive. And she said she thought I appologized for being abusive just because I should. I told her I disagreed and that that was kind of a big deal for me. From there, she ended up throwing emotional punches while I sat there and tried to be very civil with her. After she signed off, I emailed her and said that I felt like she'd been throwing punches because she could, not even to make a point, and that it really hurt and I was really upset about that. She emailed back and said that she had gotten angry and said some things she shouldn't have and was sorry. And added that it had been a mistake to talk about us at all and she was going to go back to her previous silence and not talking about us.

I emailed her back and explained that I don't mind not talking about is, but that I don't like when we don't talk at all because that basically says to me she's given up on me. I haven't heard back, and don't really think I will.
The other half of my problem is that I have to leave school in 3 weeks and I have nowhere to go right now. I'm welcome at my mom's, and things have gotten significantly better with her, although they still suck because her new boyfriend gets priority over all else, but I can't be in that house without having really bad flashbacks. I was there over thanksgiving, and that was rough and it was only 4 days. The longer I'm there the worse it gets. One of my friends offered to take me home, but she's cutting and as much as I love the girl, being around her makes me feel a lot worse. So I don't know where I'm going.
Right now, I don't really want to be alive. I've got friends here who care about me and would be heartbroken if anything happened, but no future

I feel like the nicest thing I can do for anyone is not be there. And I feel like I'm totally worthless - like I'm damaged goods because I'm upset. And I'm in counseling and its not helping. I feel totally hopeless - I can't fix myself, I can't fix my relationships. I'm abusive and I can't understand how well enough to explain it to anyone else. And no one really wants me except to use me. I feel like the only way I'll ever be safe, and the only way I'll be able to be certain I'm not hurting anyone else, is if I'm dead. I don't want to die, per say, but I don't really want to live either. I called my counselor and couldn't get through. I debated calling a suicide hotline, but I can't afford to - I've only got my cell and I don't have free nights/weekends. And I don't want them to send cops to my house - I don't want my housemates to know whats going on. I debated going to hospital, but its really close to finals.

I'm afraid that if my college finds out I'll get kicked out. And then I'll be totally screwed because everything I do is through the college - my house, my job, and my classes. I'm on full tuition scholarship right now, so I can support myself while I'm here, but I wouldn't be able to in the real world. Esp. not without said job, which is a student job.
I really want to sort things out with my friend, but I don't feel like I can get through to her. I debated calling her dad because he's an adult I trust, but I don't want her to know I did. And I don't really know what I'd gain from talking to him. If anything, I think talking to him would make things between my friend and I a lot worse. And I don't feel like I have a right to because he's her dad.
I'm just totally at a loss right now. I do not know what to do with myself.

Answer 1

There must be a pay phone nearby. Call the hotline. That is what they are there for. Take a walk...get some fresh air and make the call. They will listen. If anything, they will listen....and if you need to vent or cry, that's allright. Sometimes we think that things can't get any worse,and that things would be easier if we weren't around. YOU ARE WRONG. You must be a very bright young woman to have recieved a full scholarship and while attending school are working. My heart goes out to you. You don't see it right now...but things WILL get better. There are ppl to talk to. If you trust your friends father, go to him. Explain to him that you would feel more comfortable speaking to him without your friend knowing you did only because you need an adult to talk to...not to judge you, but just to listen. You have been through alot, and it sounds like your family has also. I'm so sorry. Others don't know what exactly it is that you are trying to deal with, so you can't be angry at them. Try to understand them is all. Your mother, she lost her husband. Sometimes as a parent, we need to hear what our children are feeling. Don't accuse. Just tell her what you feel. You both are hurting and accusations will do no one any good. Sometimes it's a shame that others can't feel our pain and just give a hug to let us know that they are there and are trying to help. Take a walk...talk to someone who will listen. They don't know you. They are not going to call the police. They are there to help if you need it. The fact that you have thought about calling indicates to me that you NEED to talk to someone. The school will not kick you out....Just talk to someone. You are in my thoughts.

And most importantly...remember that you are not alone.

Answer 2

Maybe you should drop out of college and get a job and your own apartment. Maybe you could take classes part time to finish your degree. Don't go home. That is not a tolerable situation. I was on my own at 19 and things worked out OK for me, thanks to the Lord. Have you ever asked the Lord into your life? He will help you. Try reading the Bible (New Testament first). You'll find answers there. Visit some churches. I'll pray for you. Here are some Bible verses to look up: John 3:16, Proverbs 3:5,6; Romans 10:13, Romans 5:8, Romans 3:23.
Philippians 4:6,7.

Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Wow. I didn't see all the additional details before I wrote the above. You need new friends. Lose that one.

OK. Checked your new details. Get a phone book. Look up some Baptist churches in the Yellow Pages. Talk to a pastor. You need some counseling.

Answer 3

Incredible story!

Your mother sounds like she really needs counseling, and after your experiences with her and your "friend", I'd say you could probably benefit from some professional ears as well.

You might try dragging her to a counselor (maybe a different one?), using whatever motivation will work on her.

As for your future, you'd probably do better moving in with some roomates, if you can afford your share of the rent.

My condolences on your losses. Hang in there, after what you've been through, it's bound to get easier.

Answer 4

MOVE OUT ON YOUR OWN!

Your mom is a control freak.