My young niece got married on November 10th and just jumped right into her "Thank You " cards. Unfortunately, she didn't receive anything from my brother-in-law and sister-in-law*, who, like me, are thirty-something. (*They are very responsible, working adults with a 4 year old and live locally.) My niece is unsure of what to do.
I said wait until one month passes, then go ahead and send a card that just basically says "Thank you for coming". If there WAS supposed to be a gift, they will figure out that it wasn't received by the "Thank You". That way, my niece isn't calling them and flat out asking, "Um, where's my envelope?"
My niece wants to go ahead and tell them that they should cancel and reissue a check because she never got it.
What would you do?
2007-11-27 11:12:18 · 11 answers · asked by PHA 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Westville,
I believe that allowing ONE YEAR to give a gift was something done during the days of gifts arriving by ship or horse and carriage. I have never heard of anyone who lives minutes away taking more than a month to give a gift in modern times. Anyone else?
Also, you misunderstood two ways of thinking. I feel that a simple "Thank You for coming" is appropriate, but the bride is being presumptuous by expecting a check.
Who knows, maybe this couple feels that their attendance at the wedding was gift enough! ;)
2007-11-27 12:06:14 · update #1
Army Wife,
I understand you, but this is the guest's niece, not a distant relative.
Do you also feel that the bride should not send any kind of thanks at all?
Great responses - Interesting! :)
2007-11-27 13:16:10 · update #2
I'm in agreement with you. Either the couple couldn't afford a gift or it was forgotten. A heartfelt 'thank you for attending' will set the stage for clearing up the issue either way.
Many people don't know that gifts can be sent as soon as a guest receives an invitation. (The advantage of sending gifts ahead of time is that the bride and groom don't need to worry about keeping gifts safe at the reception and then transporting them afterward.)
And it's not true that guests have up to one year after the wedding to send a gift. Sure, it may be written somewhere on the web, but it's simply a myth and regarded as downright rude.
2007-11-27 12:40:21 · answer #1 · answered by Spoiled 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
technically the rule is 6 months to send thank you's. this is allowed when the couple is moving into a new home, extended honeymoon time, etc. if the couple had a short honeymoon (nornal time 1-2 weeks) and did not have to move or really set up housekeeping - cards should be sent within 2 months.
she should send a thank you note and commenting that it was great to see you and thank you for sharing in our special day is perfect. she might want to add something about the next family gathering or other such personal note as it seems they are fairly close and close in age. she should NOT, in any circumstance, comment about the gift or lack there of - that IS rude. if the couple comments, she would want to tell them only to ensure their check (if this is the case) was not lifted and used for identity theft.
2007-11-27 13:27:18 · answer #2 · answered by Marysia 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Maybe they didn't feel like they were close enough family so they didn't need to get her a gift. I didn't get a gift from every family member that was at my wedding but I was just happy that they came. Don't send a "thank you for coming" note, that might make them feel bad. What if they could not afford to buy her a gift at the time?
2007-11-27 13:06:45 · answer #3 · answered by honeybear 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes I sent thankyou cards after my wedding but when I give a gift I do it because I want to not because of the recognition I may or may not receive. You are the mother in law, you didn't get married and therefore it is none of your business. If you start interfering in their relationship now you will probably be in their business throughout their entire marriage. They are adults who are mature enough to get married and who can make their own decisions without their mother/mother in law holding their hand. If they choose not to send thankyou cards out then that is also their decision. My mother in law started out trying to control our relationship as well. If your son loves his wife he will pick her over you in a heartbeat. My husband and I have limited contact with his mother because she burnt her bridges, don't let this happen to you. Best of luck. Add: Also, why does your daughter in law have to write the thankyou cards? If your son knows how to write why can't he write the thankyou cards? It is nearly 2010, women aren't slaves to their husbands anymore.
2016-05-26 04:01:36 · answer #4 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it is very presumptuous to expect a gift to be given. She should be happy they attended and thank them for their support in the beginning of her marriage. Leave it at that! There are a great many reasons why she might not have received a gift from them, but none of it should be her concern. She should not contact them and say to "cancel their check". That is rude and is in very poor taste.
2007-11-27 12:36:28 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would wait until after Christmas to send the Thank You or Thank You For Coming cards. That way, those who maybe couldn't afford to do the wedding gift thing don't have to feel any worse about it than they may already feel, and it won't damper their holiday, which they may have really had to save up for. And also, if asked, she could say she was busy getting ready for Christmas, as well, and let sending the cards lapse. Hope it goes well.
2007-11-27 12:17:37 · answer #6 · answered by Another Guy 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think your idea is the better one. Your niece shouldn't tell them to cancel and reissue a check unless she knows for certain that they sent one. Is there someone in the family that can subtly bring up the subject of the wedding to them, talk about the gifts, and ask what they bought the couple? If they didn't get them anything, then it will remind them. If they say we sent a check, then she can let them know she didn't receive it and was concerned it may have gotten lost.
2007-11-27 11:22:01 · answer #7 · answered by Beckers 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Just send the thank you for coming card, you can't expect gifts from everyone...sometimes people can't afford gifts at the time.
2007-11-27 12:12:09 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
You are right. I would not wait I would send it with the rest of them though. What your niece wants to do can be taken as tacky and presumptuous. Tell her not to do that.
2007-11-27 11:34:57 · answer #9 · answered by kim h 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
She doesn't need to thank them at all since they haven't given her anything......in fact, they have a year to send a gift. If or when they send a gift, then she can thank them. Sending a "thank you for coming" and expecting a "check in the mail" is ridiculous. She shouldn't try to shame them into sending a gift. A gift is given freely, you don't use a thank you to act as a bill which you expect to be paid.
2007-11-27 11:25:22 · answer #10 · answered by westville sal 6 · 3⤊ 3⤋