How do you make your own holiday traditions when you are expected to be a part of other, existing traditions?

Question

So, how do you go about this? For example, my mother in law freaks out if we don't spend xmas with them. However, I'd like to start our own xmas traditions. We tried one year and she had a fit and didn't speak to us for the entire new year until xmastime again. I don't want to anger people but I don't want to get in a rut where I'm not doing what I want all the time - you know?
Is there a good way to go about esablishing new traditions without stepping on the toes of those that already have existing traditions?

I should add that the in laws live several states away, so if we spend xmas with them, we don't see anyone else at that time. It's kind of all or nothing.
I should also add that my MIL is super scary! LOL...

The year we didn't show up for xmas at the in-laws was the year my dad passed away, I tried explaining to her that I wanted to be with my mom on her first xmas alone, and MIL was outraged and said I was 'tearing her family apart'. So I know she won't be understanding for other reasons. I guess I'm just going to have to let her freak out. I'm not not sure what's fair with her. She wants everything her way, and my vision is clouded because of that. I don't know which of her requests are unreasonable - they seem all unreasonable at this point, even though that might not be true, if that makes any sense at all...

Answer 1

Don't think that the problem is your mother-in-law. The problem is, in the past, it sounds as if nobody has stood up and faced her for a change. One good way to fix the problem is to say, every other year go to the mother-in-law's for Christmas. If you can have another short vacation time in the 'off-years' for the M-I-L, then maybe you could arrange some time to fly out so your husband can spend time with his family, since that will be the year you won't get there for Christmas. Surely, there has to be a way to do both what you would like to do and what your mother-in-law wants you to do. It's all about compromise. If she can't compromise on that, that's being selfish or control freak on her part.

Answer 2

Its tough when you have in-laws and parents and extended families to cater to during the holidays, and I'm afraid it doesn't always get easier. But, you can begin building in your own traditions during the season in many ways. For example, if you know that you have to spend Christmas with the in-laws, then plan on going over on Christmas Day and retain Christmas Eve for you and your family. If they want Christmas Eve, then take Christmas Day to make special for you and yours. But even before that, create a tradition in your home with how you decorate, what you bake and whom you donate to. Is there a service you and your family can provide for your community that nurtures the meanings of the season? Perhaps its gathering friends a week before for caroling and making cookies. Perhaps its attending church services you love or visiting a historic place decorated for the holidays. Invite the in-laws to come to your home for the holidays, or see if they can alternate Thanksgiving with Christmas from time to time. Your mom-in-law sounds like she's insecure and spoiled. You might want to have your husband talk to her during the course of the year to prepare her for any changes. You might also want to include her in some of cookie baking you'll be doing so that she doesn't feel left out. And, have a stiff eggnog, put your feet up and be grateful it only comes once a year!

Answer 3

You're problem isn't your traditions, it's your mother in law. However, this is why there are so many mother in law jokes in the world, right? It isn't just you. Sometimes you have to stand up for yoruself and not let her passive agressive tendancies get to you. This doesn't mean fight her on anything, but pick your battles. Your going to have to stand up to her eventually. I mean, you think there's this much trouble of Christmas, wait till it's Kids your fighting over.

I would go to her and say "You kow, I love your family and you traditions, but I really miss doing this liek we did in my family, and being able to put a little on myself into your traditions would really make me feel like part of the family.

Then, choose something fun and innocent. Like "We always play a family game on Christmas eve" or, "Maybe instead of Turkey, we could have Prime rib, I'll pay if you'll help me cook it!" (Make sure to say this in front of your father in law and husband.)

Your going to have to figure out a way around this woman, or through her, or your kids will end up named Maude, Flossie and Helmut after her child hood friends. You might just have to deliver a little silence of your own.

And when she punches your frequent flyer card for the guilt trip, remember, when you get mad or hurt or upset, she doesn't back down from you. You have just as much right to have one or two things your way. She just might have to get over a few things.

You don't have to be mean, or rude - in fact, always be respectful - she is your husband's mother after all. But you need to figure out what is important for you and stand up for it, in a reasonable adult way.

Answer 4

Growing up, my mom's family was in arkansas, and my dad's was in michigan about an hour away. We spent every other year in arkansas.

You need to simply explain to her that you have family that you love as well, and in the interest of fairness, taking turns works for grown ups as well as children and can and does apply to holidays as well.

Good luck.