What can I do about my defiant teen, anyone go through this behaviour and change?

Question

I have a 17 yo who is disrespectful, manipulative, strong willed, and extremely oppositional. My husband and I are at our wits end with her. The more strict and the more we punish her, the more she punishes us. She has used school as a tool; she don't get her way, she don't go to school. Right now she is not going at all. Yes, we've been through every channel with that one. Her behaviour can be out of control at times which makes it miserable for our entire family (we have other children as well). We've tried counseling...we could barely get her there without a major fight, she was diagnosed with ADD and refuses meds. It has gotten to the point where we have thrown our hands up. We are worn out, we have tried to reach her but she won't meet us half way with anything. If we back off and cut her off financially (which we have somewhat), let things get worse before they get better kind of thing, do you think she'll snap out of it? Or, what I fear, fall further?

Answer 1

Punishment isn't the answer. Being a teen, I know for myself that I hate my parents when I'm punished, and it usually only leads to me doing the thing they thought I did. (Like if they punish me for not doing something, me being who I am would probably be even more defiant and vow not to do it at all, ever.)

Rather, have a natural consequence. Like, for a little kid, if they don't clean up, a natural consequence would be that all their toys would go in a bag for a while and they wouldn't get them.

So maybe, if the teen is out all night, instead of shouting and saying "You're grounded", calmly say, why weren't you on time? When an answer is given (DO NOT aruge with her on this one, it will make it worse) then decide what to do. Maybe you could say, well since I can't trust you to get back on time, the consequence will be that you can't go out at night for a while, or maybe you could take away her car for a short amount of time.

Be the adult, and when your teen argues with you, don't argue back. Don't raise your voice or get defensive. Your teen is going through a very difficult time right now, (I know, I AM a teen), and she certainly isn't going to be an adult at this time, no matter how much you want her to be.

Just let her know you love her no matter what, be there for her, and try your best.

P.S. If she won't go to school, tell her that its her problem and she can pay for going to summer school on her own. Tell her to get a job and start working, or she won't get anything from you. Also, if she still won't go to school, shake things up a bit and say "Alright, you don't have to go to school. Do you want me to with drawl you so you can drop out? I don't mind, its your life and money going down the drain. You can pay your own way through life, pay for yourself to get the G.E.D and then pay for your own college. I don't care, its up to you."

Be serious when you say this, and maybe even mean it. She'l probably come to her senses and be like, Wow, I really don't want to drop out. I don't want to have to get a job... blah blah blah.

Answer 2

At 17 years , she is already an adult to some degree. Was she like this when she was ten years old or six years old? When did you notice this behaviour? Be very careful when you want to punish a 17 year old. It can cause an irrepairable damage.

If your child has been like this since 10 years old or so, then the cause is likely the shortcomings and mistakes in her upbringing by you. You have to make an immediate corrections on your ways and methods of handling children and work out remedial steps to gain her confidence in you and your husband as her trustful and loving parents. You need to get assistance and expert opinions on this.

However, if her rebellious and irritating behaviour has just begun when she is 17 years old, you need to find the cause for this change of behaviour. You need to build her confidence in trusting you or your husband. You need some expert advice and guidance on this as well. Find the root of the problem and work out a resolve. You must always remember, she is your daughter. She did not rebel when she was born. Along the way since then she has developed to what she is now. Need to find the cause or causes. Punishing her incorrectly can snap the parents-child relationship. This is a disaster.

I strongly suggest you review the whole situation carefully. Try talking to her and show her that you love her. And of course if you are a religious person, pray to God for guidance and assistance and blessings to all of you.

Answer 3

A dear friend of mine had a son kind of like your daughter. She would physically take him to school, walk into the principal's office with him and tell the secretary he was at school and they needed to keep him there.

He would be out after curfew (a law in Lexington,KY) and she would report him to the police.

She was not about to get in trouble because of him. Truancy can be a real problem if the school finds out you are allowing her to stay at home...knowingly and without cause. I say if you have to physically drag her to school, do it.

I would also take away everything of meaning or value you have given to her: cell phone, TV, DVD player, iPod, computer, radio/stereo, jewelry, video game system....everything. Make her earn it back. Have each item on a time frame and have a list of behaviors she has to maintain in order to earn something back. If she exhibits acceptable behavior for 2 weeks, she can have the iPod back. If she behaves and acts like a respectable person for 3 weeks, she can have the TV back, etc. However, once she exhibits unacceptable behavior, take everything she has earned back away again.

Quit supporting her financially. If you give her an allowance or something, stop it and don't ever start it back. She's old enough to earn her own money through a part-time job or by babysitting and such. Provide the basic necessities: housing, food, water, etc. Forego the expensive clothing and shoes and opt for things that are more reasonably priced. If she wants the designer clothes and such she can earn her own money for that.

Your daughter is a prime example of teens today. She expects you to give her what she wants and let her do what she wants without repercussion. It is probably at least partly your fault she has the attitude she has, but you can change that with some tough love. Stick to your guns on this. She needs to be brought back to reality. She no longer gets any kind of choice. You are not meeting her halfway on anything. It's your way of the highway. You are the adult and the parent, she is but a child and a rotten-spoiled-brat at that.

Answer 4

Tell her if she is going to live under your roof, then she is going to live by your rules, sit her down at the kitchen table and pull out your monthly bills, tell her this is what it is going to cost for you to live on your own, plus money for clothes, food and transportation, and if she has a car, money for insurance, and gas and repairs/maintenance. Oh and don't forget health insurance in case she needs to go to the doctor, pull out the paycheck stub and show that to her and tell her insurance is more expensive for girls than boys because of pregnancy coverage. Tell her that she will have to pay for that as well, because your insurance won't cover her if she is not in school. Then tell her what minimum wage is and break it down to her that she is restricted from having a full time job because she is a student and can not be employed full time, she can only work certain hours too. Then calculate how much she will be coming up short every month, and tell her that you will not be footing the bill...as a matter of fact, sit all the kids down and do it in front of them all, so that you only have to do it once, to make an impression on the other kids so that they will keep their acts together.

She probably is not ADD (there are kids who fake you know or just ignore what's being said to them, etc...) - she's probably misdiagnosed and just a smarta*s teenager who thinks she knows everything and is almost an adult, so why can't she do whatever she pleases, etc...

Ground her, no phone, no outside, no TV, if she wants to act 10 treat her like she's 10, tell her straight to school and then home and that's it...walk her to every class (yes that means talk time off from work, do whatever it takes before she is too far gone - she is your child no matter how problematic or angelic she can be). Pin a note to the back of her shirt to have signed by everyone of her teachers. Use tough love, its going to be hard...good luck!

Answer 5

she's 17? to be honest im a 17 year old and based on personal experience if she hasn't straightened out theres a strong chance she might not and if this is interfering with her school it coul d make the rest of her life harder

i suggest being strict and renforcing, why isnt she going to school? does she really have so much control that you cant work with the school to patrol her, you know you can accompny her to school right? and sit with her through the classes to make sure shes there, and everyones been getting diagnosed with add latley im not sure if thats the problem, i suggest boot camp tough love stuff like that works

you want a quick solution? send her to voulnteer in a third world country for the summer, this works on the worst kids, once they see how bad it can get they'll behave

Answer 6

As a 17 year old,I'll be blunt.Send her to military school.Its pretty late,but do it before shes 18 when you lose all control.If there is one thing that can fix a failure,its the military.They straighten people out.She will probably fall further if you cut her off,Because It will just add stress to her,and she obviously can't think rationally right now so she will just blame all her problems on you.I've seen so many kids my age get screwed up for life.Military School.If that doesn't work,Send her to the real military when she is 18.I do think It is better for Children to learn for themselves,but its too late at this point.

Answer 7

I would cut her off completely. No money, no friends, no TV, no phone, no computer....no life. If she wants to act like a child then treat her like one. Take her butt to school everyday and drop her off in homeroom. Pick her up everday at the door of her last class. If she disappears from school, call the police and report her truant. Do not let up on her for one second. As soon as she realizes that she should be the one picking her battles and that if she starts acting like an adult and with respect she will get the same. Let her know that your house is a dictatorship...your rules.

Answer 8

The only thing that worked with my sister who sounds like the same way your daughter is, was to have her live with a different relative, or a foster home. This is a huge decision to be made between you, your husband and your daughter. There is a point where it is no longer healthy for your daughter to be in your home. If you decide to have her live somewhere else, that doesn't mean that you don't love her, or want her anymore. But if she is taking this huge of a toll on you and your husband, something has to change. And like I said, that may mean taking her out of your home. Sometimes a change of location can make a world of difference for a teenager that is out of control. My sister is now a part of society that functions on a more normal basis. She is going to college for cosmetology, and is more normal, I believe, because she lived somewhere else for part of her teenage years. As much as it tore my mom and dad apart not having her live with them, they knew that it was better that she become the young woman that they wanted her to be, and knew that she could be.

Answer 9

I have a 14 year old in the same boat.

When you get a good answer, let me know.

I have found the more control you exert, the worse it gets and the more problems you have.

I have told my son that I am no longer going to argue about homework. If he can not get the grades, he will go to summer school. So, it is up to him. he can have fun, or go to school.

Also, he is not allowed to see certain friends. I can not say my son is an inocent, but he has more problems with some friends.

Keep in mind that your teen is an adult at 18 in the US. Either your she shapes up, or she is out on her own.

Answer 10

she is 17 she is still YOUR child, don't give up on her, and don't be scared to put your foot down. cut off EVERYTHING! no car no money no nothing! your in control. i always fought with my parents when i was 16/17. there really was nothing that they could say that would stop me from doing what i wanted to do, but, i always made good decisions because i could always hear them in the back of my mind. i may not have looked like i was listening but i really was, and when i was put in a situation to make a judgment call, i knew what and what not to do because i remembered my parents lecturing me and it all made sense, being 24 now i look back on it and understand why my parents did and said what they did, i did what i wanted to do anyway, but i learned from my experiences and don't think i could have gotten through if my parents didn't nag me and constantly question my judgment.