how to tell dad groundation isnt working???!!!?

Question

my dad is a single parent and i have only known him since i moved in at the age of 12. im now 15 almost 16. he grounds me over anything and its from everything. i just got grounded for 6 weeks. he believes that i make bad judge of who im friends with. i tried to listen to his side, but whenever i say something he says shut up.. im not alowed to have an individual opinion i supose. he doesnt seem to get that i am a very social teen and i do get very upset when i cant see my friends, who are just like family to me. please help me think of a way to tell him that grounding me for long periods of time is not the answer! i am at the point of wanting to run away, but i know that would mess up any future i would have. i cant wait until im 18 and can move out....please help!

i do try to do as he says. i am friends with the same people for 3 years now and i havent done anythiing bad. i am in honors classes still on the debate team and still in many clubs at school. i believe i can be around people and not have to make the same choices as them. its 3 girls and 3 boys by the way. most of them ask for my help in becoming better people. but my dad just doensnt think people can change. although he thinks he did, he has been in jail and other things. and i dont have my mom to help because she was murdered

Answer 1

Grounding for long periods of time may not be the answer if you are stilling doing bad things that are getting you grounded in the first place.
What is it that you are doing to get you grounded? It can't possibly be just hanging out with friends he doesn't approve of, you must be doing something with these friends that he isn't too fond of.
Whatever it is, stop doing it so that you won't get grounded anymore. Since it makes you unhappy, he grounds you hoping that you won't do bad things anymore.
Don't run away, that doesn't solve the problem. Where would you go? I'm sure you don't have a job or money, you'd have to stay at a shelter at best with children and young teens who are abused and starved at home, and for what, because you couldn't hang out with your friends?
Just do as your father says and he won't have to ground you.

Answer 2

The best time to have this conversation with him is when you are not grounded. He'll be much more willing to listen to you if he is not mad at you.

Be prepared to meet him half way and listen to his side of the story.

Offer him some solutions and alternatives. Show him that you understand that he is in charge and that he is doing his best. Suggest things you could do to show that you are willing to work with him, and do them. Don't make empty promises.

Perhaps even putting your feelings and frustrations in a letter will help you to make your point without getting upset.

Remember, you don't want to be accusatory, it will just put him on the defense.

Take an honest look at the reasons why he thinks your friends might be bad influences. He might be freaking out because he sees something you don't. Be honest about their shortcomings and explain how it might be possible for you to be a good influence on them.

Don't be so quick to run away from somebody who cares about you. It will take some patience and some struggling, but it looks like he is adjusting as much as you are.

Answer 3

First, take a look at the circumstances that result in your dad grounding you. Is he punishing you for staying out after curfew or for going over on your cell phone minutes? Does he see the things you are doing to be grounded as disrespectful to him? Are you being grounded because he has told you not to do something and you do it anyway?

Next, take a look at your friends. I know you said they want you to help them become better people, but is it working? What do you think your dad sees when he meets your friends? Does he see himself before he got into big trouble and took the wrong turn in life? It could be that he sees things in your friends that you don't see.

Next, get your thoughts in order about these things. Admit any wrongdoing and work to clarify any misunderstandings. Come up with some alternative punishments for breaking your dad's rules or what-not. Make them real, not silly and easy to comply with. Don't be too severe, but make the punishments seem to fit the crimes.

When you can keep control of your emotions, ask your dad if you can sit down with him and talk. Go over your list of thoughts and ideas and such. Be prepared to listen to your dad and wait until he has finished talking before you reply. Even if you have to bite your tongue or put your hand over your mouth, wait until he has finished talking....don't interrupt.

One other thing you MAY want to talk to your dad about how he is a different person now than he was when he got into enough trouble to put him in jail. Not sure how you'd say it, but don't come across as judgmental or like you're a smart-aleck, you know?

Anyway, good luck. Growing up is hard to do, but it sounds like your dad is doing the best he knows how to keep you from making mistakes like he did.

Answer 4

I don't think this is the whole story. Why did you move in with him at age 12? Who was your guardian prior to that, and what happened in that house?
I'm sensing a pattern here, and "parent ping-pong" is just a symptom of the deeper problem going on.
It doesn't have to do with your dad's style of discipline as much as it likely has to do with your lack of respect for authority. While it is natural to want a social life at your age and to be working toward independence, if he thinks you are a bad judge of who you are friends with, you need to work on the impression that you and your friends are making (or truly pick different friends!) He is trying to protect you from getting hurt, in the same way that he (or whoever parented you when you were little) buckled you in a car seat or put you in a crib, or didn't allow you to play with matches or run in the street or do other things you weren't old enough then to know better than to do. Except now the danger is even trickier because it can be disguised as peer pressuring friends who may lead you to try drugs, have unprotected sex, or get hurt a gillion different other ways.
Accept the punishment without complaint. Try to see his side of things. Work on exhibiting maturity through your attitude, your willingness to help around the house and take responsibility for your belongings, your actions, etc. Show him some good judgment through your school grades, your choice of modest (not extreme) clothing/hairstyles, your politeness, etc. In short, kill him with kindness. As I used to tell my son when he was grounded and wanted to know what he could do to lift the punishment, "Be so good I can't believe it." (He usually couldn't be that good!)
Believe it or not, those old trite sayings are pretty true, and you will understand it when you are older--and guess what, if/when you become a parent and you care about your kids, you will likely find yourself doing the same sorts of things for their own good!
If he is a single dad who has had this parenting thing thrown on him unexpectedly, it is understandable that he hasn't developed the relationship and discipline methods with you over time to be able to handle adolescence better. Daddies are traditionally very protective of their daughters, and he may be over-reacting a bit, but the more you rebel, the more you are in essence proving that you are immature and need his protection. The only way you can show him that you have good judgment is to do your best to avoid these power struggles by making good choices to begin with, and by accepting "groundation" with dignity and grace and not back-talking.
Will you be seeing any adult female relatives on his side over the holidays? Older sister? Aunt? Grandma? Maybe you would have the opportunity to get someone like this aside if you have a good relationship with them and talk to them about being a go-between to help your dad with the rough spots of raising a teenage daughter from a female perspective. They might be willing to be an objective 3rd party to serve as a consultant for conflict resolution under certain circumstances--to bounce something off of if you ask permission to do something and he immediately says no without even considering it, for instance.
Good luck and count your blessings--you could have a sorry dad who didn't care how you turned out!

Answer 5

Maybe it's time to include Dad in your social circle. I know all of my kids friends including their issues, good things, bad things, and everything in between. Once Dad gets more familiar with your friends he may feel more comfortable with you being with them. If you can't go see your friends, bring your friends to you. Dad is overcompensating for his failures and for not being an active part of your life for so long...cut him some slack and be creative in the things you can do to get him more involved with you. Show him what a good kid you really are and how responsible you are.

Answer 6

When you are both calm, try to have a conversation with him about how you feel. Sometimes us parents are not as open minded when we are upset. It would be beneficial for you both to discuss this issue before you make a drastic decision to run away. Hopefully you can come to an agreement on a punishment that will work.

Answer 7

It sounds like he just doesn't understand about discipline. 6 weeks is a very long time! What was it for, if you don't mind me asking?

Your dad should be seeing you as a capable young lady. It's obvious that you are now feeling like he doesn't think you are good enough. And frankly, it sounds like he is thinking the same thing, however rude that sounds. You should tell your dad that when he grounds you, you feel like you aren't good enough for him. Maybe he'll start seeing you for what you really are.

Do you guys spend a lot of time together? If not, it could be why he doesn't know you enough to see what he is doing to you. Try to spend more time having fun with him, even if its just telling jokes or watching a good movie together. Get to know him and let him get to know you.

Let him know that punishment is not very effective. It usually just creates more of the very behavior he is trying to eliminate. It is obvious, that since you are growing up, he should think of other, more positive and natural consequences, rather than 'grounding'. Punishment usually makes the kid hate the parent, where as natural consequences helps the kid learn responsibility.

Your dad doesn't know much about you by the sound of it. Tell him your hopes and dreams. Tell him what inspires you. Let him get to know your friends (tell them to be on their very best behavior!), Let him know what you dislike about him, etc. let him understand you and maybe he'll see that he's made a mistake.

Ask him to really listen to you and your side of things for once. Talk to him calmly, try not to accuse and also ask him not to say anything until you are done.

Show him that you can judge who your friends are for yourself and you are responsible. When listening to his side, listen completely without saying anything. Then calmly ask, "May I please explain to you my side of it without any interruptions?" I know I can't get a word in edgewise unless I say this first.

Tell him that this grounding isn't working, and that you are so depressed and feel like this is the end. Tell him that you want to run away, and tell him all the other things you feel. Maybe then he'll see what he is doing is wrong.

If you want to be a little less responsible about it, you could scare the crap out of him and say "Dad, I think I'm going to kill myself." Then walk around the house with a blank expression, don't talk to him at all, and don't do anything. But I really wouldn't suggest this one.

Good luck!

Answer 8

sounds like your the problem not dad your not learning your lesson and finding it lame to get punished do as your father says hes the boss not you miss thing