How do I answer a question about my adoption?

Question

Okay, here is the situation. Some people feel the need when I meet them to ask about my adoption. I'm nornally a very private person and I really don't like telling people my business and all. I mean it's pretty obvious that I'm adopted because my parents are white and I'm bi-racial. It's the very personal questions, that I don't like. For example "How was it being raised by two white people?" Or "Do you know where you came from?" My favorite is "How does it feel being adopted?" I feel that they are private questions and i only express myself to close friends. Does anyone know how I can handle these questions? I appericate all answers.
Thanks,
Healing Adoptee

lilluv_2001: i'm very happy that i'm adopted. My parents treat me as their own and I view them as my parents. I just don't like personal questions because i'm such a private person. Yes, I'm healing by finally coming to terms with the choice my birth mother made. I use to hate and resent her and I feel I wasted time in resenting her. Because all that time i spent resenting her i could of spent it loving and caring for someone.

Erin L
My parents didn't really discuss with me on handle these questions. I know my mom would just say haven't you heard of adoption. She would also correct them if they said stuff about my birth mother. But we never discussed it. I encourage you to discuss how to handle these types of questions with your daughter while she is still young.

Answer 1

This is tough. I'm a pretty private person IRL myself. Most of my colleagues don't know that I'm currently in reunion, for instance. I'm not hiding it as much as it doesn't come up, and I don't talk about my personal life.

I think a lot depends on how you are feeling at that time. With some people who have asked me questions like this, if I have the time and energy, and trust them to really listen, I take the chance to educate them on my experiences. I make it clear I'm talking about my experiences, and I don't speak for all adoptees. But I try to educate them about some of the issues that adoptees face, that I have faced.

But that's a lot for any of us to do with any regularity. Some people can do it all the time, with anyone. I can't. I'm not used to be that open with people. As a result, I usually give some noncommittal, throw-away answer and quickly change the subject. ("Oh, it's fine. How was your day?") I'm too much of a people-pleaser to actually get too sarcastic with them. (I am jealous of those who can do it.)

If it were someone I knew moderately well, I'd be tempted to say, "I don't really feel comfortable talking about that right now." If it's someone I know hardly at all, I'll just shrug and change the subject. If it's someone I know really well, they either already know the answer or they would never dare ask the question. (Either because it makes them uncomfortable, or because they're worried about upsetting me.)

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I think each situation probably requires it's own tailored response. I wish you well.

Answer 2

Healing,
I empathize with you. This is a difficult thing to have to deal with, I'm sure. As an adoptive parent I have been asked *hundreds* of questions I consider inappropriate by friends and acquaintances with regard to my son. One of the most disgusting is, "Was his mother on drugs?" That drives me crazy. If I say no, they will assume I'm lying and if I say yes, they'll just feel sorry for my son. Another one is, "How could someone give up such a beautiful child?" Um...right. Because only ugly children are placed for adoption! I have even been asked why my son's birth mother wasn't sterilized (she had other children before my son and all were eventually adopted). Excuse me? STERILIZED? She is a human being with a mind and a will and rights as an American citizen! She's not an animal.

The point I'm trying to make here is that, although we're not being asked the same questions, they hurt and are obtrusive and inappropriate. One way I've gotten around that is to say, "My son's story is his own. I don't share details as it's not my story to tell." That obviously wouldn't work in your situation as it *is* yoru story, but you could say, "Why do you need to know?" It's borderline rude but I bet it will get the point across.

Answer 3

People who are ignorant in certain subjects may not always know how to filter what comes outta their mouths. They are simply curious. Answer only what you feel comfortable with. And if you are not at all comfortable with the subject, then tell them that. You don't HAVE to explain yourself to anyone. I mean come on, aren't some of those questions silly? "How was it being raised by two white people?" Ask them how it was being raised by two people who are the same color? If thats all you know, then thats all you know. And the question, "Do you know where you came from?" Seriously, I hate that question too. Just tell them that you came from Adam and Eve just like they did and then smile and walk away. They will get the hint that maybe they shouldn't have asked you that. The answer to "how does it feel to be adopted?" Well, it feels like being adopted. Most can't understand unless they are adopted. To us it just feels normal, thats all we know. Adoptees don't exactly go around asking people, "Well how does it feel knowing that your parents had you naturally?" Weird question right? Some say the only dumb question is an un-asked question but I guess thats all in how you look at it.

There is nothing wrong with being private b/c you are right, that is your biz and no one else's. Its up to you to share that info with whom you feel comfortable, safe, deserving and with someone who you can trust with your life story. Stay true to that always and don't ever feel like you owe them an explanation. Let them know they are in your red zone and to respect your space and privacy. They must know that it IS a very touchy subject with as they say, "lots of grey areas." Maybe one day my prayers will be answered and they will have a pamphlet that we can hand out with the do's and don'ts in conversations with adoptees :-) Hope this helps girl.

Answer 4

If you happen not to feel like talking at the moment you can try to turn a question around on them or avoid the question, in a polite way, maybe something like "Thanks for your interest in my adoption experience. Are you planning to adopt?"

You can always say "I'm sorry, I really don't have time to talk right now." or "I'm sorry, but that's personal to me."

If you want to know someone's motives, like maybe it's another adoptee who wants to talk or an adoptive parent who would like the perspective of an adoptee before deciding how you want to answer a question, you can always say, "Why do you ask?"

I'm curious. Did your parents ever have discusssions with you when you were growing up about responding to questions about your adoption? How did they respond to questions? I want to teach my daughter how to handle those things with honesty and dignity, while keeping as much privacy as she wants.

Answer 5

I think you need to pick some generic phrase to use to respond to those type questions, basically as polite a version of "that's none of your business" as you feel is appropriate.

I also think that you need to realize that many people are just nosy and insensitive and try not to take it personal. If it wasn't this situation, they would be asking you about your freckles or your weight, or any number of other things that people get in other people's business about. That's one thing about the irony of this "open" society that supposed to be so "politically correct"----part of all this multicultural melting pot mentality is that people think they have the right to ask or say anything they want as long as they are doing in under the guise of pretending to be tolerant or embracing of diversity!

My husband is not the father of my children. Though we are all the same race, the features are not that similar. From time to time, we encounter people seeing us as a family who don't know our history. Occasionally, I get questions about where my daughter's curly hair came from, or how she got so tall (I'm 5'3", my husband is 5'10", but she is about 5'7" and still growing at 14). I agree, it can be awkward at best, and downright annoying.

If you can come up with a response that is barely polite and to the point, it should shut them down. You especially want to be mindful of what you say if your adoptive parents are present at the same time as I'm sure you wouldn't want to hurt or disrespect them because of their choice to adopt and raise you as their own.

Hopefully, others will respond on here who have lived this and have responses they have used that you can use as examples, but you need to find a way to express it in your own words in as matter-of-fact a way as you can to just shut down further discussion when you aren't comfortable sharing.
Good luck!

Answer 6

Hmmmmm. Politely say "And your point is?" Do it with a smile. I don't get those questions except that I am lucky that I was not aborted, I am lucky that I was not a dumpster babe, and I am lucky my parents took me in. Because I am an adoptee rights activist, I also get my adoptive parents are probably so ashamed of me. Yea right, when my own adoptive mother and her brother are conniving to get access to my records so I can have access to just the adoption paperwork. I have seriously spent too much time in Texas. Women like Ann Richards and Molly Ivans have made me just too ornery and snarky.

Answer 7

A good answer to ANY question that you do not want to answer is simply: Why do you ask?

My favorite answer to "What is it like to be adopted?" is simply to ask: "What is it like NOT to be adopted? Is it weird to be around so much genetic repetition? Seems almost incestuous." (I don't really think that, I just like to shock them into realizing how dumb the question is.)

I was once asked: Doesn't it matter to you not knowing where you came from? I answered: It doesn't matter where you come from, only where you end up.

Or, you can very honestly answer: It is private and I prefer not to discuss it casually.

Or, you can quickly answer: Great...and then just change the subject: What are you going to ask Santa for this year? Do you think it is going to rain this afternoon?

Answer 8

When someone asks me a question that I am not comfortable with, whether it be my infertility or our adoption or whatever, I usually turn around and say politely "Why?" or "Is there a reason that you are asking?". This throws the question back to them and makes them feel awkward. It also allows them an opportunity to explain themselves and for you to then respond about how it is private to you. I hate when people ask us if we know where our son "came from". Yes, he came from Mars on a spaceship just like an alien. (my sarcasm setting in now). I mean, why would anyone think that it is "okay" to ask that?

I try to use those opportunities as "teaching experiences" to teach people the right and wrong things to say or ask. The more we educate people, the less intimidating and hurtful the questions will be. Just my thought on things.

Answer 9

One of my really good friends is a black boy adopted by a white family. He is not as shy about it as you are but he gets questioned too. First, you need to be kind and nicely say, " I really dont feel like sharing about it." They will appreciate your kindness and probably apologize. This will also teach them not to ask such personal questions to a stranger. If its your friends just be straight up with them and say, " Hey look, you know i love y'all but i just really do not feel comfortable with sharing the details of my adoption." They will understand if they are your true friends.

Answer 10

You really need to pick what you feel comfortable with. The straight forward approach works for a lot of people, but (forgive me if I presume too much) from what I've read of your questions and answers, I bet you won't be real comfortable with this approach. Humor (like someone else mentioned) is also a good and not rude approach. The "I'm adopted?" answer is good. Or "They're WHITE?" Or "I came from an egg and a sperm" or "I was hatched from an egg" or something on that order. Or another endrun is to go into a nice long tirade about adoption or transracial adoption in very general terms. "Did you know that there are over 1.6 million adopted children in the United States? Did you know that 13% of them were born in another country?" So you've changed it from a personal issue to a general one. Redirected the conversation in a manner of speaking. People (unless they are geniunely interested in the subject of adoption) will get bored quite quickly. (I know, I talk about adoption a lot! :-)