How do you handle someone else disciplining your child?

Question

I have a 4 year old daughter who, for the most part, is extremely well behaved. My problem is that I have a sister who constantly feels the need to discipline her for the most rediculous things constantly. For instance, my daughter is sitting at MY table and she's pretty short so she sits on her knees. As I am sitting right there my sister tells her to sit on her bottom. Not the greatest example, but the most recent. It's constantly going on. I only see my sister once every 2 weeks or so because of this. I would also like to mention that she has no children, no experience with children or anything. I have several friends that have children the same age and I have no problem with either of them correcting her, or telling her what or what not to do. My sister is the only one that seems annoyed with everything my daughter does and always feels the need to correct her even with me and my husband around. Any advice on how to deal with this without causing family drama?

Answer 1

Oh that would really annoy me and I was in the same position.
I have to admit I didn't say anything, tried to ignore it for the most part. Now my sister is married with three kids of her own, and tells me all the time how MORTIFIED she is for all the things she said or did with my kids.

If you can, and its not causing major problems for your daughter or you, try to ignore it. There is no way your sister will completely understand until she has kids of her own. My sister admits that now. If its really driving you nuts or its upsetting your daughter, then try talking to your sister about it.
You can just say something like how you have to pick your battles with kids and how you try not to nitpick on little things, and if she corrects your daughter for how she sits, to use your example, just jump right in at hte time and say "its fine, I don't mind if she sits like that". I think if you overrule her discipline enough she'll get the hint. I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 2

It's obvious your sister doesn't have kids. What I would like to know is, do you think your sister is disciplining your child out of love and concern with good intentions or is she doing it in a way that implies that you and your husband are bad parents?

If she is doing it with good intentions then you can resolve it by saying " I love it that you love my daughter and want to see her grow up with good manners. However, you have to remember that I am the one disciplining her and I don't want her to get conflicting messages from other people trying to discipline her. I know you have her best interest but if you have a problem with her behavior, I would prefer if you would run it by me first so I can be sure we are all on the same page.

If it's for the wrong reasons, then firmly say "My daughter already has a set of parents she doesn't need any more. I wish you the best when you become a parent."

Answer 3

My philosophy on disciplining other peoples' children is that if the parent is not there, and the child really needs correcting, then it's ok to do so. It is absolutely unacceptable for your sister to correct your daughter while you are sitting right there. Explain to your sister that you have rules in your house and you are the one that sets the boundaries and enforces them for your daughter. It's confusing for your daughter to get corrected by someone else in your presence, because she won't exactly know where her boundaries are. So let your sister know that discipline is a high priority for you, but that you are the one that does not correcting when you are there, not her.

Answer 4

i go through this with my sister n law also, she is single and has no children so she is annoyed by everything my son does. When she tries to correct him and it is not reasonable or it is something i let him do i just tell her that i let him do that or it is ok if he does that. It is good that she does not give in to your child's every want but ultimately you are the parent and she needs to back off. Other moms know where the lines is and we will not say anything to someone Else's child unless they are in danger or breaking something or what ever. Your sister has no idea where that line is but as long as it is petty things like that then i would not say anything. If she stays on your child or tries to punish her then i would step in and have "the talk" Good luck

Answer 5

In the caribbean our kids still get a beating and yea it is below the legs and all, growing up I got beatings and yes the bible did say that u should spare the rod and spoil the child. The thing is your baby is 2 and if u are going to hit do it on the palm of the hands and as they get older gradually move down. But on a serious note at that age there should be some other form of punishment. Our kids will act out what they see and tend to hit when things dont go their way. Keeping things away from them like TV or not allowing them to go to the park is what is needed to be done. But the child should know why he is being punished and what it is. Punishment in a room full of activities to do is no punishment at all, make sure its something that the child doesnt like. Like a punishment chair which should only be used for that purpose facing the wall.

Answer 6

Wow,
Ok i have no children and i am the proud aunt of 2girls and one boy thanks to my brother. I would say that i am very involved in disciplining the children. It would completely hurt my feelings if my brother and his wife decided that i was not allowed to discipline the children. but maybe you should talk to your sister or make it a point to readdress your child. For example when your sister told your daughter to sit on her bottom not her knees your response should of been. Honey you auntie is right it is not good manners to sit on your knees like at a restaurant or when we are out in public but we are home and if that make you feel comfortable than its ok. Maybe your sister will get the hint with you having to get into a conforntation.

Answer 7

whenever your sister tries to correct her, tell your daughter she was fine how she was and than explain to your sister why she was doing it. If it's something that your daughter does need to be corrected on just let your sister know that you will handle the disciplining... sit her down and let her know that you are the one that raised your daughter, and you know what she can and cannot do, you're not trying to be rude but it is your job to discipline your daughter not hers. You could also talk to her and see if theres a way that she can come talk to you if anything is really bothering her about what your daughter does, sometimes small things that they do does need to be brought to our attention, but its still the parents job to tell them whats right and whats not

Answer 8

Well, I think it depends on what you mean by "discipline." Asking her to sit down in the chair is not discipline, and it's not wrong. She was probably thinking it was unsafe for your daughter to be up on her knees on the chair.

In my family, my sisters and I, and our husbands, all have authority over any of the kids, depending on who is available. So the other night, when were up at the portrait studio I work at to get family pictures made, my youngest sister put my son in time-out for a very good reason, and I told her son to stop running around the room. Our kids know they have to mind whoever says something, and that all of us grown-ups will back each other up.

However, that's evened out quite a bit, since we also share the load when it comes to caring for each others' kids. When one of them gets hurt, whoever is on the scene first helps them. When we're at a family gathering or a buffet restaurant for dinner, we'll fill each others' kids' plates and get things like napkins and drink refills and stuff for them. If one of the babies needs a diaper change, or one of the newly potty-trained ones (or the one who is TRYING to be potty-trained) need cleaning, we just take the initiative and do what needs to be done.

The main difference, though, is that only parents are allowed to spank. Ever. If one of my kids does something, one of my sisters or brothers-in-law can stop them, but if it's something that might warrant a spanking, they're brought to me. (doesn't happen often)

But this is just how it is in our family. It's how we were raised, where aunts and uncles had authority as well as parents. With six kids, three of which are hyper little boys and one of which is a bossy little girl, the only way to deal with the chaos is to grant authority to the adults present.

Bring it up to her if you want, politely and in private, but also try to determine whether she's really disciplining and scolding, or if she feels your daughter is in some immediate danger. If she were watching your daughter do something that could be dangerous, she shouldn't call on you to come in and take care of it. She should get your daughter out of harm's way.

Answer 9

Whatever you do, don't do it in front of your child. I would ask your sister out to lunch, just you and her. Then I would gently tell her that you do not want her to discipline your child unless it is a life or death situation. It is best to get it out in the open now before it gets any worse. I was on the other side of the fence with my sister and was just like your sister...until we talked and then I backed off. Now I have child of my own and one on the way and I completely understand where she was coming from. You have a beautiful daughter, by the way. Good luck!

Answer 10

I think that if anything would cause me drama. That is something I don't allow anyone else to do! Tell her she has no business or right to do this and she is being mean to your child. If that is a picture of your child she is beautiful and if someone does not know how to act around her she will pick up on this and it could make her feel bad about herself you know she is just a child she should be able to be one! I could be wrong but I believe you should defend your child from this when it happens so that your child knows you are okay with her!