How can I help my children to prepare for their grandmother's funeral?

Question

My four children are 11, 8, 6, and 4 years old. Their grandmother is ill and expected to pass on within the next few days. They've never had to face the death of a loved one until now. I will discuss with them what will happen and we talk about our feelings but I wondered if anyone had any ideas, based on their own experiences, for how I can help them to cope.

Answer 1

A lot of that will be dictated by your faith and culture. My kids went through the loss of both my dad and my mom when they were close to those ages. (barely 10 and not quite 4 when my dad died, and 14 & almost 8 when my mom died).

If their grandmother has been ill for awhile, you can stress the positive that she will be at peace and no longer suffering, and that you will miss her, but she is in a better place (place this in the context of your/her religious beliefs.)

You should have clothes picked out for them to wear to the visitation/wake and to the services, so there will be no last minute stress or argument about it. You should explain to them as calmly and matter-of-factly as possible what to expect at the services, and what will be expected of them. Let them know that it is ok to be sad and to cry, and also that it is ok if they are just quiet and don't shed tears--that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Give them some pointers and reminders about manners for greeting and receiving extended family and friends they may not know well. If you will be going out of town, to a relative's home, to a church, or to a funeral home, give them as many details as you need to help them know what to expect--part of the scariness of it all is the unfamiliarity.
If the casket will be open, you need to warn them about that as best you can, and neither insist that they view up close if they prefer not to nor keep them from viewing it if they wish.
You may want to let each of them pick a special photo or memento to send with Grandma in the casket. I was a young teen when my grandmother died and I still remember doing that with my sister and cousins. My son wanted to bury a pair of overalls with my dad because he knew he wouldn't be comfortable in that suit and "would want something to change into when he got to heaven"--those were pretty much his exact words as I recall them. We did exactly that, and kept another pair just like them to hand down to my son along with that story. When my mom died, it was just a couple of days before my daughter's birthday, and a sweet friend who worked at the school remembered her with a balloon at school that day, knowing she wouldn't be having much of a party. That day was the day of the visitation at the funeral home, so I was picking her up at school holding a balloon to get ready to go to the funeral home--it was quite a bittersweet irony. (If you've heard the country song, "Holes in the Floor of Heaven", it was pretty much just like that). Anyway, I don't remember if she suggested it or I did, but we ended up letting the balloon go and "sending it to Giggy (what she called my mom) in heaven"--I think on some level that reached my daughter and helped her deal with it.
Most funeral homes want family photos with the grandkids and family members as well as historic photos to place around the sitting room and they will also make a slide show for the family as part of the arrangements. If they don't do this, perhaps a family member would take on this project.

The worst thing you can do is close them off from your family's grief--it is a natural part of the circle of life that they need to be a part of for their own healing. Talk about it as much as they want to, and take them with you in months to come as you take flowers to the gravesite, etc. Not only will you find that the talking about it helps them, but you will see how you and other family members will actually draw strength and blessing from them--seeing the family continue and seeing youth and health to help contrast with the sorrow and loss.

I am so sorry for your pending loss, especially at this time of year (my dad got sick over Thanksgiving and passed away right after Christmas) so I know how hard it is to lose someone at this time of year. I hope you have lots of friends and family around you to be supportive, and that your kids have friends with parents who will be willing to come and take them places over the next few weeks and help them have some normalcy, especially if they were very close to their grandmother and she was part of their everyday routine before she became ill. I know this was helpful to me when people offered to take them to "look at Christmas lights" or whatever, so I could just be alone and break down if I needed to out of their presence and hold it together when they were home. If someone doesn't offer that specifically, but says something like "I wish I knew how to help", you might suggest that if it would help you. If going to her house was a big part of holiday rituals, you may need to work at finding new traditions to help you all deal with the loss and change.
Don't hesitate to get family therapy for you and/or them if you sense that someone isn't dealing with it well.

Again, my prayers are with you during this difficult time. It will be tough on all of you, but you sound like such a caring parent that I know you will find the words and strength to get through it as a family.

Answer 2

Explain to them that she won't live here anymore, and they won't see her anymore, but they can still talk to her and she's still watching them and loving them. Let them know it's normal and perfectly okay for them to be sad, and they shouldn't feel bad if they get sad or angry or if they cry.

Then tell them about how a funeral is a way to be sad together, but also to think about all the happy things they remember about their grandmother.

Offer to take them to say goodbye to her, if that's a possibility.

Personally, though, I would ask them how they feel about certain things, and respect their decisions.

Let them decide whether they want to go say goodbye to her now and if they want to attend the funeral. Make sure you and they understand not wanting to do these things does NOT mean they don't love Grandma.

The same absolutely applies if the funeral is open-casket. They should not be pressured in any way to go up to the casket either at visitation or at the funeral itself. If they don't want to, show them before they are shepherded to the casket where the exit is if they don't want to go view the body.

The main thing is really to be understanding in how they grieve. Kids can feel guilty about a lot of stuff they have no reason to feel guilty about. They should NOT feel guilty for grieving in a way that you or other people don't understand.

When my great-grandfather died when I was in high school, my grandmother implied that it was rude or just wrong that I didn't cry and I didn't go up to the casket. The truth is, a girl who was almost like a sister to us had been killed in a car accident two weeks prior, and I had no tears left.

Answer 3

Hi,i am sorry to hear your mom is so poorly,Kids are a lot tougher than we think they seem to accept death easier than adults,tell the two little ones that nanny is very ill and the doctors can`t make her better so she is going with the angels,and they will keep her with them and make her better,the elder two,will probably feel it more so tell them that nanny is very ill and that sadly she won`t get better and her body is too tired to be able to fight any more and she is going to die,but for them to try not to be too sad as she will not be hurting any more ,say nanny will always love all of them,even when she is gone.I hope this helps you,my heart goes out to you at this sad time xx

Answer 4

Make sure they get to say goodbye. Don't insist they attend the funeral and if they do don't make them look in the casket.
Our family lost the great grandfather of a 7 year old. The boy wanted to go to the funeral but then didn't want to get out of the car so they left him in the car. Later he came in the funeral home to see his great grandma but didn't want to see the casket. Eventually he wanted to go see it but it was his personal choice. Of course he grieved he and his great grandpa were best buddies from the day he was born.

Answer 5

I hope if the grandmother is conscious that you will take the children to her bedside for a final visit, if at all possible. As far as the funeral, the kids can be told it's a chance to say goodbye to her. Kids are wonderfully resilient.

Answer 6

Hi there.
Children mostly worry about how to act in a strange situation, the grieving will come later. Concentrate on the ritual aspects, such as being clean and dressed in a respectful manner. Make it clear what their roles are and what they need to do and all will be well.
It would be a mistake to talk a lot about their loss as they will simply not understand, that is best left to later.
All love and best wishes, Steve.

Answer 7

Tell them calmly and matter-of-fact what to expect. Tell them what they will see, and that it's ok to feel a weird, sad, whatever. It it's open casket, don't pressure them or drag them up to the casket. Give them the choice to do whatever they feel comfortable with. Maybe a private family viewing before the service or public viewing. Let them handle it however they feel comfortable. Tell them it's ok to be sad, and just give them lots of love and support, and don't try to make them feel or do any certain thing. I remember getting fits of giggles at my grandfather's funeral, along with my cousins. We got yelled at, but it was all new and weird for us.
It's ok to tell them that you expect them to sit quietly with the family during the service, and to try and be polite to friends and family who will also be there and may speak to them. I would probably also tell them that they are not the only ones who may be sad, and they should also try and be kind to other family members (aunts, uncles, etc.) who may be upset for awhile. And talk frequently about good memories, funny things that happened, special things they loved about their grandmother, etc. Maybe they could write little notes to her to include as part of the memorial.

Also, to make your own life easier, maybe now would be a good time to think about nice clothing to have on hand they can wear to a funeral, so you don't have to run out and shop after she dies. Include yourself, spouse, etc. in this. When my stepfather died we realized none us currently had nice looking clothing to wear suitable for a funeral, and my mother let us know that we were expected to show up looking nice. So in the midst of all the other arrangements, we had to run to the mall and buy a new suit for my husband, a new dress for me, and a nice outfit for our son. We didn't get to shop around for sales since we didn't have time.

Answer 8

Honestly, unless you have been hiding the fact that this could be coming up, they should cope well. Just tell them you're always available if they want to talk, and be sure to explain to them how a funeral works before they go--otherwise, the younger ones may run around all willy nilly! (I know my brother did at that age...)

Answer 9

Well my mom when I was young, we had to prepare for our grandmothers funeral too. She sat us all down and told us how she would be in a better place and that we needed to take it one step at a time. Eventually we got through it and I still remeber it because the tragedy of a loved one made us become closer

Answer 10

naybe you shld explain what has happened and spare them the funeral home until they are older i mean they will always see her like they remember the last time so if it was alive and happy let it be and if you think u must talk to them more on what thety are gonna expience letting them know you are there but more important grandma is whole now and that is just a shell ....follow ur heart on this on

Answer 11

In think all those kids are too young to see granny's dead body in a coffin. I would explain death and heaven, but leave them with a sitter for the wake and funeral.