My fiance and I are not getting married until July 2009. We made the mistake of choosing our wedding party way to far in advance. Since we asked them, we have broken off friendships with all three of the groomsmen and then we made amends with them all. But even though we are all friends again, we are still unsure about whether to have them in the wedding party or not. Furthermore, my Maid of Honor is getting married this summer. When I asked her to be my MOH, she replied with, "Yeah, if you will be mine!" That was before they had set a date. Now that their wedding planning has gone into action, she officially asked me to be a bridesmaid. What's more, her maid of honor is my fiance's ex-girlfriend - and my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend (small world). My ex is a groomsman in her wedding too. My fiance and I would rather not be around either of our exes, and my fiance is not even in the wedding party. I am very hurt by my friend's choice of her wedding party. How should I deal with this?
2007-11-26 16:53:30 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I understand it is her decision not mine. And she shouldn't feel obligated to make me her MOH just because she's mine. But the exes issue just seems like such a careless decision on her part. I have considered just telling our entire wedding party that we had to make cuts due to a small budget (which will probably at least be half true) and make our siblings our wedding party. But I'm just not sure. Any advice would be appreciated. Please don't be rude. Put yourself in my shoes here.
2007-11-26 16:56:39 · update #1
My fiance and I are more than happy to set aside our differences with people from our past to celebrate my friend's special day. What's bugging us is the hierarchy of the bridal party. She's my best friend and supposedly I was hers too. But now, all of the sudden I've been bumped down to bridesmaid (keep in mind she did ask me to be her maid of honor when I asked her to be mine). And its who I've been replaced by that hurts even more. The fact that my fiance was completely left out of the bridal party, while my ex is a groomsmen seems to be a bit of a stab too. The issue here is not with the exes, because I'm sure the four of us are perfectly capable of being civil toward each other. The issue is my friend's sudden change of heart. Please help. While your input is greatly appreciated, I don't need advice on sucking it up and dealing with exes, I need advice on dealing with a friend who has hurt me.
2007-11-26 17:12:22 · update #2
Do nothing until the end of 2008. Who knows where you will be by then. Otherwise, you're going to be asking and un-asking people again and again.
2007-11-27 03:40:48 · answer #1 · answered by sarah jane 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
hmm.... Just tell everyone that although you originally asked them to be in the wedding party things have changed and you don't know what is going to happen with the wedding being 2 years away. Just let them know that no matter what you value their friendship and you will officially ask people to be in the wedding party in a year or so. If they are truly friends they will understand and won't feel bad if they aren't eventually in the bridal party. Plus if you really aren't that close with them they will be relieved that they don't have to put on a show and spend lots of money when their heart just isn't into it.
As for your friends' wedding with the exes there. Be an adult and suck it up - this isn't high school. They have moved on (ironically with each other) and supposedly you have too if you are getting married. So be the bigger person and just deal with the fact that these people will be there and if you continue to be friends with the bride, they will be in your life in some form or another.
2007-11-26 17:03:30 · answer #2 · answered by JM 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
It's good that you recognize and ackowledge the fact that you asked people to be in your wedding too far in advance.
People change . . circumstances change . . scenarios change . . and feelings toward each other change . . and what was very important two weeks or two months ago is not that important today.
Here's a simple solution . . just tell your friends that you have decided "to make some changes." People accept "changes" because we all make them. There is no need to go into a three hour explanation. As the Bride and Groom you have the right to create the wedding that you are comfortable with.
Answered by: A Certified wedding specialist / A Professional bridal consultant / A Wedding ceremony officiant
2007-11-26 22:50:17 · answer #3 · answered by Avis B 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's going to be difficult to salvage the friendships if you "unchoose" people to be in your wedding. Look how hurt you are over your friend's choice of wedding party and her decision not to make you MOH. Now imagine she told you she changed her mind and can't have you in the wedding.
If you decide to change the wedding party, I'd take each person to lunch and explain face to face that you're just having family in the wedding. Apologize sincerely and admit that you rushed into the decision too soon because you imagined yourself surrounded by all your good friends. Then, realistically you realized the wedding party was too big. Rather than select some friends and not others, you decided to just go with family.
2007-11-26 17:08:19 · answer #4 · answered by yakngirl 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
When a wedding's planned that far in advance, people expect there to be changes. If these people are mature enough to get married, they're mature enough to understand that wedding plans change, even if they're not involved. Just be kind and honest with them. And by July 2009 many of these people you've asked may be unavailable, pregnant, or otherwise unable to be in your wedding party.
It may be the easiest route to ask your friend to replace you in her wedding party, and just attend her wedding as a guest with your fiance. Your fiance may not be a close friend of her groom... remember, the groomsmen are his attendants and closest friends, not the bride's.
Or, just be in her wedding party and honor your friend's wedding day, even if your fiance doesn't even go. It's just one day, and you can ask your friend to not partner you with your ex.
2007-11-26 17:19:38 · answer #5 · answered by Mmerobin 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think you have your priorities mixed up. First of all, having someone in your wedding is not something you ask on a whim to friends that you arent that tight with. If you break off friendships and then make up, I wonder how tight the friendship really is.
Now about your friends wedding: it is not her problem that you would "rather not" be around your exes. If you stand up for someone, you should be honored to do so. Its not about you! Why cant you just get along with the exes for the sake of the bride and groom? Thats what a real friend would do.
Grow up!!
2007-11-26 19:33:12 · answer #6 · answered by fizzy stuff 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I think your idea (to tell them the wedding has been downsized and you're just going to have your siblings fill in as attendants) is great! Even if it's just partly true, you have every right to make that decision.
Sounds like both your "best" friend and the three groomsmen are really flaky people. They obviously don't have much commitment to you or concern for your feelings, so don't waste another minute trying to please them. Just do what's right for you!
2007-11-26 17:43:37 · answer #7 · answered by Tres Leches 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is why it is best to have a small wedding party made up of family or life long friends.
Send a simple note to all concerned stating that you have changed your plans and will not need then to stand up with you. Thank them and tell them that you still want them to be there to share your special day.
Find something "important" that conflicts with your friends wedding, like surgery or a trip out of town.
2007-11-26 17:09:23 · answer #8 · answered by ruby 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
if you try and go back on your decision of whose in your wedding party you will hurt their feelings, your friendship and they will feel humilated (im sure you and them told HEAPS of people they are in your wedding and its going to be great etc) so i dont think you should change it. you made your decision too early so live with it, sorry i cant think of any other way you can change it without hurting feelings or loosing friends.
as for the exes, personally i would feel weird too but you gotta remember its not you day its your friends and your going to support her on her special day. you should suck it up and just go and have a nice day. its only 1 day and it will be over before you know it. if you dont have any lingering feelings,mistrust or attraction to exes and you and your hubby completely trust eachother it will be fine!
2007-11-26 17:03:50 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
its as simple as tell your friend that you cant afford to be in her wedding and pay for your own..one of my close friends and i were getting married a week apart..we just instantly knew not to ask each other to be in each others weddings..because of that..but her hubby was in my wedding..and my hubby was in hers......it will leave you from having to deal with all that drama..and thats all it sounds like..is drama
for your wedding..just till them youd rather have family in the wedding because its your parents wishes or something
2007-11-27 01:10:25 · answer #10 · answered by hi_iduntcyber_doyou 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋