how / when will the pain stop?

Question

as a first mom i just feel so incredibly overwhelmed with all that happened, even years later. i just can't stop the pain of it all. i've tried to think positive about it. i tried to believe that i did the right thing, but i feel betrayed on so many levels. i don't trust people anymore. i live in fear. i never felt like i had a choice. i hate living this every single day. every single day. it never goes away. can someone help? i can't even be honest about my life when talking to other people because i know if i were to tell them, i know the ridicule i'd be facing. can someone tell me, when, or if this will go away? i have had another child, but it doesn't change all the other. thanks

for the ones who are always looking for holes in people's stories, because they misread or whatever.... i'm only doing this so you are clear that what i am saying is real and true.

i was date raped 3 months before going away to college on a full non-traditional scholarship.

then i had the my daughter.... 9 months later.

my "friends" had to wait, i believe, 6 weeks before the adoption went thru. less than a week before the time frame was up, they were served with papers from the "bio sperm thing". it was him (actually the grandparents) against the 3 of us. if they were to lose their case at any point, it would then become a custody issue between us.

we had to go all the way up one court system and then through another. i don't know all the techniqualities. my daughter was 18 months old when the final decision came down on the side of the AP's. two weeks later, i was told i could never see her again.

now, do you understand? are you clear on the dates and age? if not... FU

i forgot, that all happened back in the '90s.

Answer 1

(((((((((((((((Red & Sassy)))))))))))))))
I can feel the pain in your words - I'm so sorry that you're feeling so lost right now.
I don't know if the pain will ever truly go away.
I know that many first mums find comfort in talking to other's that have gone through the same situations.
Are you linked up to any support groups??
I'll leave you with some links of support groups and blogs from first mothers. Perhaps even starting a blog of your own to write about what has happened to you. (I find that outlet really helpful) If you want any help at all setting up a blog - please drop me a line here - I'd love to help.
Please know that there are many that know your pain - you are not alone. And your pain is completely justified.

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/
http://soulofadoption.com/forum/index.php
http://origins-usa.org/
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=2804.0 (blogs)

Take care of you.
Possum.

Edit -
Magic - I would love your list of first mum blogs. I can add them to the AAAFC list also. Could you please email me through here??? Thanks.

Answer 2

Hey i'm sorry and I hope your forget like most people say you will. you did what you thought was right and no-one can blame you. Are you saying the adopted couple have your child and now don't want you to have anything to do with your child if so then shame on them. You helped them get the child not once but twice(once at birth second in court) Write your child and tell the child your feeling and how you feel even if you can't mail them keep them and when the child comes back hand them to your child (she or he) will understand what you have gone through for the child to be raised with love, this child will love you for it. Please try to get some help and give your other child a hug for me for this child has a wonderful mother.

Answer 3

It will never go away until you reunite, I went through the same thing in 1972 when I gave up my daughter, it doesn't really matter why, the fact is I did it. The first year I thought i was going to go crazy, then for a coulple of years, I thought she must be dead, because I didn't feel anything. Only a handful of people knew about her. I live a lie for 30 years, when my son was born in 1977, everytime I looked at him, I thought of her, what did she look like, was she sad or happy, but I had to go on with my life. Every year on her birthday, I could hardly move the grief was so overwhelming. I couldn't talk about to anyone, she was a big secret, it is so hard to live a lie. I was told to forget about her, but that's ridiculous, how could I? I thought if people knew, they would think I was a horrible piece of crap, because that is how I felt about myself. Then in 2000, I went to Las Vegas with a friend and after a couple of drinks, she confessed that she had, had a son and given him up for adoption. I still didn't say a word to her about my daughter. Then in 2001, my sister found a search angel, who found my daughter living in a town 100 miles away. 2 weeks later this same angel found my friends son. Somy daughter was 29 1/2 when I found her. She has issues with abandonment, but we have both had some counseling and it helped some. She does not call me mom and her kids do not call me grandma, but that's ok, I'll take what I can get. I don't know if I will ever be able to get over the fact that I gave my child away, that I couldn't figure out how to keep her, that my family was no help. We do not know the ramifications of what adoption does to the kids or the birth mother. I wish i had never put myself in that position, to have to chose and to be so stupid as to do it wrong. I never should have had to make that decision. I was afraid to tell the world when i found her, but you know what? People did not react the way I thought they would. They were excited, shocked and so happy that I found her. They were not mean and did not chastise me. Some people cried for the joy of it. I was embraced, of course some people did want to know the gory details, but it was just a few. I have been vocal with my story and it's very healing.
I think you should try to get some counceling. Even though it's now been 35 years since i gave her up, I will never be able to forgive myself, for what I did, but I go on and try to be a good friend to my daughter now. I have my son and he has a baby, so my life is pretty good. I have been on antidepressants for a lot of years and they have helped me too.
I hope my story helps you. I found the light at the end of the tunnel.

Answer 4

There seems to be so many variables in your situation that each have to be addressed seperately in order for the pain to ease. First, you should realize that you did what you felt was best for your daughter considering YOUR circumstances. No one has the right to make you feel bad for that. Only you know what you could handle at that time. Secondly, you have to deal with the rape situation. Have you healed emotionally from that? Thirdly, you have to understand that the adoption seemed to be difficult for everyone involved, but you got through it and the baby ended up where you wanted her. I am so sorry that you can't see her anymore, but in time, she may want to find you. Then, no one can stop you from seeing her. I know that it is hard, but you have to respect the AP's. They also have things that they need to consider when it comes to the daughter's mental and emotional state if you had continued to see her. You are in need of some inner healing. I would recommend a minister, phycologist, or whom ever you prefer that can help talk you through the situation so that you can heal. Until then.... I am not sure if anything else can help. Best wishes

Answer 5

first of all this isn't going to go away until you get counceling for the date rape and other things you have. you could be really messed up even with giving the child away. you need to get yourself fixed first and then you can try and find your daughter or son. its not too hard you find where they had her adopted the court and go from there. her birth certificate is there and there is cross reference there also it could help you. so you need to first get better and see the proper doctor and get on right. you can find her that is not impossibel and you can find her whether she wants you is however she was taught but it should work. there are alof of them out there that lose ground and then find themselves and it does work. take care.

Answer 6

I can hear the pain and anguish that you are experiencing. What a huge decision to make and at such an emotional time of your life. I encourage you to talk to a counsellor or trusted friend about your regrets. You have no reason to be fearful about people's judgments. You did what you considered to be the best thing at the time and you can be honest about it and you don't have to live in fear. You are a mum and that is a very important job. You have the opportunity to influence the future positively. Cherish every moment with your child and forgive yourself for mistakes and decision made in the past. You owe yoursef and your child, a good and fear free future. You are worth it. All the best.

Answer 7

I'm not qualified to answer your question because I have never walked in your shoes

I can tell you that an open adoption being closed by the adopters is the most cruel thing I ever heard - and I'm hearing it over and over again from first moms (tears rolling down face for the moms and the adoptees) it's perfectly natural for you to feel betrayed and violated in the worst way possible

All I can offer is huge hugs and hope for you. Take care of yourself

Joe Soll has a nightly support chat - there are lots of first mothers there and it costs nothing. Use the adoption crossroads link someone else has already posted here to contact him - I'm sure it will help

I know for a fact that speaking with others who have walked in my shoes has been far more beneficial than any therapy could ever be

Answer 8

(((((Red)))))

Only work through your pain as long as you can stand it. If you can't stand it (like now), take a long break - get completely away from the subject of adoption and your loss. Go back and work through more of it ONLY when you are feeling strong enough. No one can live with this stuff every single day.

The child who is with you now needs you, and needs your joy. YOU need your joy, too. This may sound stupid, but smile - force yourself. Smiling creates endorphins in the brain and, dear Red, you need endorphins right now.

Just walk away from this for a while. Get down on the floor and play a game or color with your child. Go for a walk together. Try to feel your child's happiness and wonder, and just try to ride that wave.

Answer 9

Hi Red,

I just emailed the woman who runs one of the first mother online support groups that I'm a member of. The one that I'm a member of is for reunited first moms, but she has another list for moms who have not yet reunited. I'll see if she recommends this list for you, and if she has other recommendations.

I think it is so important that you find a safe place where you can share your feelings with other moms who have lost a child to adoption. There are so many of us out there we really need to connect in a supportive atmosphere.

Look into the other links posted by Possum, too. They are good.

I'll edit my answer when I find out about some other links for you.

Hang in there Red, and a big hug to you!

Answer 10

Side note, it's amazing how many people don't recognize the phrase first mom.

Possum linked you up with some of the various forums out there. They are good ones to get your feet wet with meeting other mothers like us. She's also right, that blogging your experience and your feelings is a really good outlet.

What you are feeling is totally in the range of normal for stages of grief.

(Also Possum, I have a big huge list of blogs of firstparents if you are interested.)

Answer 11

I know exactly how you feel. Every day I look at my girls and I see their brother. His pictures are all over the house. Every holiday is painful knowing he is not here. I think it is crap when people say "you'll get over it" and "it gets easier". I won't and it doesn't. I scan the faces of young men in hopes of seeing my own eyes looking back.

I do the opposite when it comes to telling people. I tell everyone. It is almost as though I want them to ridicule and shame me right off the bat so I can write them off immediately. I don't want to care and then have them walk out. I know I couldn't deal with that.

I have found that keeping his memory alive in my home and in my heart helps. It also keeps the pain alive but I refuse to mourn him as though he was dead. I count the years until I can search for him in an active way. I have a private blog where I write all of my feelings. I can't bring myself to share it and I am glad I haven't. The responses here have shown me that my pain needs to be somewhat private. I am selective about who I share the true extent of it with. Talking with other n-moms has been helpful too. It feels as though nobody understands but there are people who truly "get it".

If you need to rant, vent, cry or just talk I am here. We need to have safe people to share the grief with, it isn't healthy to bottle it up.