I'm engaged! But I'm afraid we are going to have trouble agreeing on a date...?

Question

My bf just proposed last Wed.! I'm so excited!

Problem:
-I would love to get married next spring - always wanted a spring wedding, plus then we can buy a house together (no, we won't live together before we're married)
-He doesn't care when we get married
-His sis is already engaged and getting married next August -she doesn't mind us getting married before her
-My bf's mom told me we can't get married before my bf's sis because "she can't deal with the stress of two weddings so close together" (her first words when we told her we're engaged). She won't be paying for our wedding - she told my bf she won't be giving us money (she's spending 10s of 1000s of dollars on my bf's sister's)

My bf and I decided we aren't going to let her influence our decision, but he thinks it might be easier on his other relatives if we waited until after his sis' wedding, since it's a destination wedding and they will all have to pay for travel, etc. How did you decide on your date? Advice?

I would like to add that we're figuring on a small non-fancy wedding, so it won't be hard to pull off in 6 months. I really would like to get married soon simply because of financial reasons (paying down a mortgage instead of paying rent). I think my bf just doesn't want to deal with his mom (she'll probably have a fit if we decide to get married next spring). I don't mind dealing with her, but then, she's not my mom.

Sorry - I may have been unclear. My bf's sister's wedding is a destination wedding, ours will definitely not be. We will get married somewhere close to home (Southern California).

Answer 1

First, congrats on your engagement, it's very exciting. Second, you need to have your wedding when YOU AND YOUR FIANCEE want to have it. If you've already telked to your future sister-in-law and she has no problem with the two of you getting married first, than don't worry about it. And ignore your future mother-in-law, you two pick the date, and even if she puts up a fuss, she'll be there either way.

Do a small wedding and try to do it in like April. That's four whole months before the sister's wedding and plenty of downtime.

I myself decided our date (May 19th of this year) mainly because it was the only date in May the reception hall had left. Plus it was perfect for cousins in college to get home in time. If you want to do it this coming spring though start talking to venues now. April, May and June are the most used times for weddings so it may be hard to find a place so soon.

Good luck though and do things how you and your fiancee want them. You want your wedding created out of your dream, not your mother-in-law's.

Answer 2

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Although it is true that the destination wedding will be expensive, one thing to consider may be how far your guests will have to travel to your wedding. On the other hand, if you wait until next spring, it's still about 6 months or so away from the other wedding, right?

Either way they'll have to come up with money to go to both.
If you have yours this spring, they'll have hers in the fall, then Christmas. If you wait a year, they'll have the expensive destination wedding, christmas, then your wedding a few months into the new year. Either way, it will be a budgeting matter for them.

Now, on to my original thought.
You two decide when you want to get married and do it. Worst case, she won't go and then will feel bad. I know my mom wanted a JUNE bride, so badly.... I decided on December. She wanted nothing to do with it until I started buying my own things. Then she wanted to do my reception, then she wanted to help with my dress... she was afraid I was rushing it. I just love Christmas time and wanted a christmas time wedding.

Moral of the story is go with what your hearts tell you, either family will come or they wont. No one will hate you and if they say they can't travel to both, be understanding and have one heck of a 1st anniversary party and invite them all.

Answer 3

As far as his mother, it isn't your responsibility to appease her -- if she isn't helping out with the wedding *at all* then her presence is simply that of a guest and she doesn't need to "throw a fit" about anything. Just soothe her that her responsibilities at her son's wedding will not be as involved as those she is holding for her daughters.

But please keep in mind that you will be living with this woman for the rest of your life and it would be bad to start off on the wrong foot.

I think your boyfriend's concern about his relatives having to pay a lot is really considerate and that you should take it into account. It seems as though you need to choose what's more important: the time of year or the immediacy of the wedding. Honestly, it seems as though everyone would be happier if you just waited until next year. Why don't you just have a small ceremony this spring and then you can buy a house and move in together? Next year, have a one-year anniversary wedding celebration. Everyone will thank you for it.

Answer 4

I really don't see a problem on the date. Your fiance has no real opinion on the matter and your SIL HERSELF said she doesn't mind you getting married before her.

Choose a date next spring like you wanted.

If they are getting married next August, then spring would be no problem with the difference. A few months between should be a non issue, especially since you want yours sweet and simple!

But work out the financial details with your fiance. If you can wing a spring wedding AND the destination wedding, GO for it!

Answer 5

I would think, out of respect for his family, that if the two of you plan your wedding three months before the sister's wedding, that is PLENTY of distance between the two dates.
So if you can pull off planning your wedding for May, go for it!!!
It was relatively easy for us to decide on our date. We had gotten engaged in November, and planned the wedding for the end of July the next year. I was teaching in a town about five hours away from my hometown where we were getting married - and where we would be living - so we wanted it to be at the end of the school year, with enough time for me to be physically in that location for a month before the wedding. But ours was a big, traditional wedding - lots to do, and we needed all of those eight months to plan! Well, and to book the venue/caterer!

Answer 6

i think you are a sweetheart to care about all this but i agree with blunt. she set her date first so let her have her time, and you can have the next next spring all to yourself and you will have all the karma and good vibes that come from all for being so generous and gracious about it. i do know of a family who had one marriage and then the second sister, who had been going with the guy for 12 years, waited her turn until a year later and then had her wedding. every single person knew she had waited cause the other sis, even tho she had not been with her guy as long, did get engaged first, and all knew she did it to be generous, and give sis her space, and it was very successful all the way around.
and i do have sympathy for the mil who wants to savor each wedding in its turn, you will be so glad you waited and it will show you to be a class act.

Answer 7

You bf's family doesn't pay for your wedding....you or your parents do. The bride pays for the wedding. Well, I tend to agree that you should wait until after his sister gets married. You could get married the next Spring. She was engaged first and I think for you to get married before her takes the attention off of her. I had a similar situation last year with 2 friends of mine who are sisters. One got married in July after a year long engagement, the other got engaged in June and was married in October of the same year. The one who was engaged first was a little resentful because all of a sudden, the attention turned to her sister. It's your wedding and you can get married whenever you want, but it would be nice to think of other people, too. I think you should hold off and let you soon to be sister in law have her day first.

Answer 8

There is no rule saying that since they got engaged first, they get to tie the knot first. If you're having a small wedding that won't cost much money, go ahead and plan it for the spring. Tell his mother you won't need her help planning, so it shouldn't cause her additional stress.

You should decide the date based upon the availability of the venue or vacation from work. You have his sister's permission and that's all that matters.

Answer 9

Its your wedding you can have the date whenever you want. If your future sister-in-law doesn't mind your wedding being first than whats the big deal, unless you were counting on his parents to help with the financial part. I would just sit down with his parents and sister and talk everything out. But ultimately its your decision as to when you want to have the wedding.

Answer 10

it's your wedding! it's your marriage! plan whatever you want. you're the ones who would be paying rent and not a mortgage, and the ones with a future ahead of you.

i'd say get married in the spring. you can pull it off! the travel agent can do a lot of the booking, as much as possible, and you won't have nearly as much to deal with as if you were having it at home.

my fiance and i are getting married in vegas wtihout guests. it took hardly any planning on our parts. we just selected our hotel, flights, chapel, and some entertainment, and wala! wedding and honeymoon!

CONGRATS!!!