my son lives with me and his stepdad. he goes to visit his dad about twice a year. when he comes back its a nightmare. his manners are shot, he is more rude, and says he misses it there. bascically, he is allowed to do whatever he wants and all the time i have put in to try and have him be a well mannered polite person go out the window. and...the thing that really gets me is that his dad was a total deadbeat dad and did not help out raising him when he was small. it bugs me so badly that my son is so in awe of him. he was the worst person to deal with. now, he just acts like hes super dad. i have told my son that i have taken care of him since he was born and that i had absolutly no help from him and his family. i feel like he needs to know this as its the truth. its just how do i say it so it really hits home to him? i hate that i look like the bad guy when i have done everything from day one. its causing lots of strain and tension.
2007-11-26 05:49:33 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
His relationship with his father has nothing whatsoever to do with his relationship with you. And, your relationship with his father has nothing whatsoever to do with his relationship with his father.
There is no legitimate parenting reason for your son to need to understand your relationship with his father.
Even if you convince your child that he should hate his father, all that will do is diminish him, diminish his relationship with his father. That does not change his relationship with you. That leaves you & him with the same relationship. And, him with a diminished relationship with his father (and a contrived one, at that - one that you manipulated him into, rather than one that he built himself, based on his own experiences & interpretation of them).
The only thing that can change his relationship with you is building respect in your interactions with each other.
Don't you think that respecting his relationship with his father would be a better way of interacting with someone with whom you want to have a good relationship?
If I were you, I would, instead, let his relationship with his father be exactly what it is. And, I would treat my son with respect in that relationship. If he was being mouthy when he came back, I would address that behavior, not try to blame it on his father or give him any excuses for that behavior.
And, if he said that he missed being at his father's house, I would say "I'm glad that you have such a good time with your dad. I love you and want you to be happy in your life. I'll be sure to help you & dad out the next time he's ready for you to spend some time with him."
2007-11-26 06:06:20 · answer #1 · answered by Maureen 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is really hard to be in the situation that your in. My dad and mom divorced when I was in third grade. For the two years before their divorce- he was never into everything with the family as he should have been. After he moved out..my brother and I thought he was the best thing. His house was fun, he did things with us etc...being a child you don't realize who actually pulls everything else together. My mother never said anything bad about my father and believe me he did some really terrible things. As we got older we realized all the things that my mom had to put up with *no child support, all doctors, dentist appts, child care costs, christmas, birthday parties, school clothes, bills, food...the list could go on forever* My father was supposed to pick us up at 6:00 pm on friday night and would come 3:00 or later on a saturday. While my brother and I would sit by the window and wait for him...who was sitting there with us??? My mom! It took us a really long time to see the many different ways that he was NOT a good father. We then realized all that my mom had done for us. My father is still trying to make it up to us now that he finally left his new wife. No gifts, or money can replace the appreciation that he will hold for you when he is old enough to understand. Unfortunatly it is a long wait on you end but, it will be well worth it. Not to mention your son will never have to feel like you bashed his dad and influenced his oppinions. Good Luck and be patient. Your being a great mom...keep it up!
2007-11-26 14:23:43 · answer #2 · answered by mama3 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I understand completely your need to want to say something. However, saying something derogatory about your son's father to your son will not affect the father, it would emotionally affect your son. He will defend his father and resent you. The good news is that you have your son living in your care most of the year. The other great news is that your son is getting older every day and will eventually discover who his father is. You just keep doing a wonderful job with raising him. Instill in him all the good virtues and values in him so whatever negative influences his father has on his, your work with him will insulate him from that. Let him see the good mom you are and saying bad things about the father will not reflect well on you. I know, it's hard to hold bad, I've been in your situation before. But bite your tongue and let your child find out who his father is on his own. Trust me you will come out the victor this way. You will never be the bad guy if you are a good mom.
2007-11-26 15:07:14 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Bad mouthing his super dad is not going to help his behavior or attitude towards you when he gets home. I go through this every 2 weeks when my daughter goes to visit her dad. She is starting to get a clue about how her dad is, she's 8. I'm sure over time your son will figure it out too. Sounds like you need to have a talk with his dad about house rules so you can have constistancy at both places.
Other than that just remind yourself its only twice a year.
2007-11-26 13:58:59 · answer #4 · answered by maybe 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I knwo it sucks. I've dealt with that from time to time. I went through so much and put up with BS from my ex-husband for the kids. he didn't pay child support, and I struggled to make ends meet, instead he boought them gifts when I couldn't afford shoes. "oh look, mommy doesn't love you!".. and all the while.. he isn't proving for their basic needs. THEN I had to come up with the cash to take him to court to get it. Again.. I was the bad guy. However, you are wanting your child to side with you. This is wrong, no matter what a deadbest dad he was.. obviously he is being there now, and thats all the child cares about. You will emotionally scar him by putting him inthe middle to choose sides. If you have an issue with his dad not being there, take it up with verbally, legally, or both. Explain to your ex, that YOU cared for him while he wasn't there, and that you need him to at least back you up now and be a co-parent.
2007-11-26 14:17:22 · answer #5 · answered by Melissa J 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is no need to tell a child what type of parent they have. They already know it. That's the great thing about kids they know much more than adults think. If your son wants to go on believing that he has a great dad let him. Maybe he will be hurt later maybe not but that isn't for you to decide. You job is to support your son emotionally.
2007-11-26 14:07:03 · answer #6 · answered by billie b 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell your son about all of the good things you do for him. Explain to him that you don't like to discipline him any more than he likes being disciplined, but you are only trying to set him up for success later on in life. Leave his dad out of it. He will come to realize sooner or later with all of your positive reinforcements that his dad is a loser. You telling him that you took care of him since he was born doesn't really explain anything to him since he probably has no idea of what taking care of a child consists of!
Plus, when he gets older and realizes that his dad is an idiot, you will have automatic brownie points for letting him make his own decision, and he will not realize that you have been influencing it in your own positive way.
It sounds corny, but believe me, it works.
Don't just discipline him for being rude, explain to him the importance of respect and the impact it will have on him as he gets older.
2007-11-26 14:08:01 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is something you need to take up with your son's father. You should never say anything bad about the man in front if your son--truth or not. You are bad-mouthing his father and he will resent you.
2007-11-26 13:54:11 · answer #8 · answered by jilldaniel_wv 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
my father was the same way. i didn't get it until i was arguing with my mom one day, and told her i wanted to go live with him. she told me to go ahead (knowing he wouldn't let me). i called him and asked him, and he said he didn't have time for a daughter right now.
after that my mom told me everything, from drug use to not helping to not coming to visit after the divorce and everything. she told me about the back due child support, and how his life was more important than my brother and i. i've hated that man ever since.
2007-11-26 13:58:53 · answer #9 · answered by Amanda Nicole 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋