"Always a guest, never a bridesmaid"...?

Question

You know the saying "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride"? Well, I'm having problems dealing with the fact that I'm never a bridesmaid and always a guest.

I don't want to sound conceited here, but my friends always tell me how I'm such a good friend to them and how much they appreciate me helping them whenever they need it.

I've helped so many of my friends when it came time for their weddings and have probably spent more than thier bridesmaids when the brides asked me if I could help with this and that. I even planned one of my friend's bachelorette parties for her because she couldn't trust her MOH with it!

A good friend of mine told me this weekend that she and her boyfriend of 8 years are getting married this Friday and having a big ceremony next year. She's as sweet as she can be and I can't see her asking me for too much, but once again I'm not a bridesmaid (the groom-to-be has already asked my boyfriend to be one of his groomsmen) and I can’t help but feel like this will be the same thing all over again because it happens every time!

How to I deal with this jealousy?

OK, after reading a couple of the answers I can tell I should clarify. I would have no problem whatsoever with shelling out money for the honor of participating in my friends' weddings.

I just don't like that most of the time I end up paying more and doing more that the actual bridesmaids and MOH. It's like they're saying "You're good enough to help with this and that and even pay for it, but you can't stand up in the ceremony".

Answer 1

I understand how you feel. I have never been a bridesmaid either. One of my friends just got engaged and is planning to get married next October. I don't know if she has chosen bridesmaids yet or if she would ask me, but she called me on her way home from the Bridal shop to tell me she got her dress... alone.... and I've offered to loan her anything that she can use from my own wedding, if she wants it.

But if I am not a bridesmaid, I certainly wouldn't throw a shower or any of that other stuff... not without the title.

I'd love to have an excuse to go buy a formal dress and have some place to wear it!

But at 33, the possibility of being a bridesmaid is pretty slim........

Answer 2

Maybe they think you can't afford it or it would be too much of a committment for you...like based on your schedule at work. Are you a party girl or very consistent and responsible? A lot of brides want to make sure they pick someone (or people) that are up to job so to speak. Any other issues that take up your time? (sick, family stuff, kids, distance)

If you are clear on all that I would reconsider shelling out so much next time...for anyone. Showing up, being supportive and a gracious guest are enough...you might be over stepping if you are planning a bachelorette party and you aren't in the wedding party. Maybe people are allowing you to do all this to be kind.

Brides also pick whomever they feel closest to AT THAT TIME. Maybe you feel close, but they don't feel the same, although they appreciate you.

You could ask or just keep quiet, keeping things simple from here on out.

Answer 3

awww , thanks god you are so real about yourself. By admitting your jelouse. I have a MOH that is jelouse of the bride. always a bridesmaid never a bride.

if you really want to help the bride and she already has her positions filled ask if you can be a lady in waiting. This is a awsome job you basically are part of the bridal party the only thing you don't do is wear the dress of the brides choice.

But you help the bride on her day with whatever she needs, this aleviates the MOH of other details in fact you can work with the MOH together. Exp: make sure all the girls have all their things together.the day of make sure the bride has all her stuff . make sure there is pantyhose , breath mints, hair pins , make up is ok make sure their hair is just right... it is like being a cooridinator ...

Answer 4

Different brides choose their bridesmaids for different reasons. Maybe she has 4 sisters she wants to be her bridesmaids. Or maybe she has best friends from elementary school holding the title.

Some reasons are good, some aren't.

I'm sure your friends wouldn't be so shallow, but I once read where a bride chose only unattractive bridesmaids, so that she would be the prettiest one on her big day.

Either way, I would stop helping out so much--leave the hard work to the bridesmaids. I also wouldn't take the rejection so hard. I'm sure there really is a great reason, having nothing to do with you.

Answer 5

I think your friends should count themselves lucky to be blessed with a friend as giving of her time and effort as you. Remind yourself of the fact that as much of a great friend as you are to a bride-to-be, they can't ask you to do what their own bridesmaids and maid of honor are responsible for doing. Absolutely offer to help where you can, but don't go out of your way to plan whole events; your time and friendship are worth more than that -- these gals know the rules. They should choose friends who are reliable and can be counted on to perform their wedding party duties and they need to face the consequences themselves if they chose people unfit for the job, not relying on others to serve back-up duty. Don't feel bad about saying "no" to unreasonable requests and reminding the bride that certain duties really should be up to the maid of honor, otherwise, why else would she have chosen that person? You may not be able to change your friend's choices for the wedding party for this upcoming wedding, but your days of being the backup bridesmaid are over! I think once your friends realize you're not just there to pick up after others' mistakes, future bridal friends will think twice about asking their second cousin, three times removed, to be the maid of honor.

Answer 6

Be thankful you're NOT a bridesmaid.. Shelling out hard earned cash for a once worn dress.. Not to mention hair, nails, shoes, make-up it can really add up ! Also, trying to plan a bridal shower/personal shower, bachlorette party and then shelling out money for a gift for the couple.. It can get very, very expensive fast.. So, I'm very thankful NOT to be a bridesmaid... I would be very content in being a good friend behind the scenes.... I wouldn't feel jealous at all.... !! In fact the bridesmaids might just envy you by the time everything is said/done... good luck !

Answer 7

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I've been there more than a few times. Only as a groomsman. Yeah, it sucks. But you have to sit silently with a smile on your face. You're doing it because they're your friend and you love them. Not for the recognition right? Yeah it would be nice to be up there and sit at the head table just once, but think about, do you really want someone else to pick YOUR dress? Do you really want everyone staring at you in that dress? Do you really want to be standing around with a stupid grin on your face all day?

And lastly, as a bartender at more than a few weddings, ask yourself one last question... do you really want the bartender hitting on you all night? (I've worked dozens of weddings and never went home alone :) )

Answer 8

Just be happy that you do not have to wear an unflattering dress and deal with all of the stress of the wedding. It sounds like you get to be involved in the fun parts without the cost or stress. If you think that helping with the normal bridesmaid duities is going to make you bitter then don't help with them anymore but I think you are getting the better, funner end of the deal.

Answer 9

Aw, this is a tough one.
However, as another answerer said, there are LOTS of reasons the couple chooses their attendants.
As a guest and friend, you have made the CHOICE to do the things you have for your friends -- and should have done so willingly, with an open heart. If you hadn't wanted to, you shouldn't have been doing it. And maybe you should stop, idk.
I do know, you have to stop feeling resentful. It'll eat ya alive!

Answer 10

stay cool you will be asked by that special friend and they why to look at it ?its there loss not yours ?its not jealousy your pride hurt just go as the guest and smile enjoy and be yourself you will get your turn and it will be great and all the so called friends in the past will be sorry the did not ask you take care and be happy