Would you all attend this wedding?

Question

Let me give you some background info first. I attended a church for 15 years. During that time I volunteered endlessly and gave of myself, often sacrificing family time to do so. I had few needs but there came a time my mother passed away, not one friend came from church. Just the retired part time pastor and his wife. My actual pastor did not call, visit or attend the funeral. It was very sad not to receive that support.

I forgave and moved forward. Then a year ago my husband was seriously ill, needed more than one surgery. I put in prayer requests and not once did my pastor call. One of his associates did but they never followed up and eventually they left the church. I put in another prayer request when things got worse and my pastor never phoned me.

During this time I was volunteering at the church every week, he would see me and walk right on by. A friend commented on how disgusted she was by him and his behavior and she and her husband left the church.

Due to my husbands poor health I was unable to get to church myself and had decided that if my pastor didn't call me, I would not return.

Well he never did, but he and his wife did contact my friend and begged them to come back to the church. Their son was best friends with the pastors son..

Well not my friend is back in this church and she doesn't really like the pastor, but her son is going to be married in this church.

She has invited me to attend the wedding. I feel sick about going back to this church that I feel abandoned me in my time of need.

Must I go? Also I don't feel this so called friend was much of a friend to go back to doing the volunteer work we did, when she swore to me she would not do it without me. I feel our friendship has waned. And she didn't come to my mothers funeral either.

I am a people pleaser and hate conflict but I don't want to go back to that church. How do I decline, or should I just go?

The point is that she has never been there for me in a time of need. Not when my mother died, not when my husband was ill. Not when I had surgery. I forgave these things because I have loving family by my side and I am a Christian. However I am at a point now where I see I have been used by people, the church and have had enough. I feel going to the wedding would be nice and yes she is a friend (not a best friend) we go shopping together and lunch etc., but I do not want to go to this church or even the reception, where I would feel terribly awkward. I feel sick about this, do not want to see the pastor marry them and want to decline the invite but need to know how.

Answer 1

Let me start off by saying, I'm so sorry for all of your heartache! I know from experience, it's a kick when you're already down to feel abandoned by your pastor and fellow church members when you've given so much and then needed them to support you.
When I was in high school, my family experienced a similar situation and it truly shook the faith of a family that had always worked and volunteered in our old church however we could.
So from one wounded church goer to another, here's what I would recommend...
Don't go to the wedding if being at that church would bring you heartache. It's very kind of you to want to support your friend but it's okay to decline this time, even if it upsets her. You mentioned that she left that church but did not say if she confronted the pastor on his actions, if not, that's not a very effective support of friendship in my opinion.
Though she left because of the pastor's actions, it sounds like she did not support you in other ways that you needed even more (like going to your mother's funeral). If you feel the friendship has waned, then it really has, even if she does not see it as such.
Like you, I am a bit of a people pleaser and know it seems easier just to go along with what people ask, but I urge you to not go to the wedding. I'm sure other's will disagree, but it really sounds like you don't want to go. Just being in that building can bring up painful memories that will prevent you from enjoying yourself or your friend's day. I went back to the church that had not supported my family for a wedding, and had a knot in my stomach the whole time. And it was someone I was close to, not someone I was already drifting away from like you and your friend. Trust me, it's not worth it.
I would recommend writing a letter to your friend explaining your feelings and be sure to firmly state you will not be changing your mind. Consider offereing to meet for coffee with her and possibly sending a gift to still show support. But don't put yourself in a place that will bring back such painful memories.

Answer 2

Hi. I am so sorry about your situation.

This is a hard question to answer. I believe that I am in the same spot as you.....finally deciding in my life to stick up for myself and not let others walk all over me.

I feel so bad that your pastor abandoned you during your time of need. I can certainly understand why you would not want to set foot in that church ever again! On the other hand....this is your friend's son.....but then again, it doesn't sound like she has been all that supportive of you either.

I agree with others. I would NOT go. Unless you were super close to this friend's son, which I am assuming you are not, so there is really no urgency why you would want to witness this wedding. I would send your rsvp back in a wedding card (perhaps with a gift certificate to a store that they are registered at). Simply say "thank you for inviting me to the wedding, however, I am unable to attend. I wish you and [bride's name] all the best in your marriage." You DO NOT have to give a reason why you cannot attend! You have lots of valid reasons.

In the meantime, start looking for another church that is more welcoming and put this one behind you. They certainly DO NOT sound welcoming.

Answer 3

I am appalled at the behavior of your church. I know when I had times of needs in my family, my church and pastor were incredibly supportive. It breaks my heart when I hear someone having to go through what you went through.

I think it would be okay to send a small gift and your regrets. I can understand you not wanting to go back to this church. But please don't be too hard on your friend. She went back to the church for the sake of her son and if she is also, like you, a people pleaser, she may have been unable to refuse to do the volunteer work.

Answer 4

I'm not sure what wedding you are talking about but I would find a new church ASAP. I am not a member of any church and I receive more support than that!!! YIKES!!

Sorry to hear about the hard times in your life - good luck.

Okay, just got the rest of the question...
Don't attend, they sound like not very nice people, possibly only looking for a gift.

Answer 5

You should definitely go. I'm glad you realized how crappy the church was and left, but that's not the point. Your good friend's son is getting married. They want you there to support the wedding, not the church. The church is just a building where the wedding is being held. But if you are still dealing with all these church issues, be frank with your friend (she understands) and tell her you are still uncomfortable with stepping foot in the church but would like to attend the reception.

EDIT: I just read your other little bit. Look, if you feel this way, I don't understand why you would even consider going. It's time to grow a backbone, toughen up and don't give into people pleasing.

Answer 6

Sorry this has happened to you, I cant believe a pastor could act like this in your times of need. But the bottom line is, do you want to attend this wedding? Is it someone you want to see get married? If it is, put everything aside and attend. You dont have to talk to people to dont wish to. Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 7

Do not let your problems with a pastor and a church ruin a friendship with a genuine friend.

I agree with you 100% that this church is horrible, the pastor is worthless, and I would never attend that church again as a member of that congregation.

HOWEVER you are friends with an individual who has invited you to her son's wedding. It is rare that the groom got to pick the church, but this is a wedding not a church service. Do you support your friend? Are you happy that her son is getting married? That is why you attend a wedding.

After all, regardless of my religious beliefs, if my best friend were getting married--be it in a Catholic church or a Greek temple, I'd be there to support her and her husband. I don't have to agree with her religious choice to agree to support her marriage.

It has nothing to do with the church or the preacher. Attending a wedding has to do with supporting the bride and groom. If you wish to share good fortune with them, you should go. Just don't bother to speak to that pastor.

Answer 8

Well, if the two of you are still friends then don't do to her what the church did to you and abandon her at an important time just because of what the church did. Go and if anyone trys to talk to you about coming back, just tell them you are there to be a good friend and the day is about the wedding, not anything else. If you aren't friends with her anymore then you can decline the invitation as long as you aren't worried about upsetting her.

Answer 9

I think you shouldn't go to an event that is making you feel so conflicted. You simply decline, no need to explain yourself. If you feel you must, I would just say, Oh Ann, I wish I could come, but we have a family obligation on that day. Just offer your regrets, and go on from there. Allow yourself to be free from that scene-move on.

Answer 10

The question you should ask is church issues aside will it be important to this friend for you attend her son's wedding? If the answer is yes go to the wedding. If they were getting married at another location would you hesitate about attending? If the answer is no, then put your issues aside for the day and attend their happy day. Think about your friends feelings and how important it would be if the shoe was on the other foot. If you decide not to attend send your regrets and a small gift card to the bride and groom.