He's a total control freak. We usually all spend Christmas here and have to tiptoe round him 'cos of his moods That's bad enough, but we've just had the week from hell, and he's made it loads worse.
Amazingly he let Ann come alone to help with her sister's children while she was in hospital. Everything started off ok. but the hospital didn't go well, another two close family members were in the same week, one nearly died & my grandson was having his b'day party all very stressful.
He wasn't getting attention so stopped answering his phone, then told her she was thrown out, said he'd put her stuff outside and the dog would die SHE had hysterics screaming down the phone, had to borrow to hire a van, made her sick sister help move her stuff & fixed up to stay with friends . HE did his act, cried & pleaded etc and 2 days later she went back, owing money to friends we have to face here, & leaving us shocked & exhausted, I can't bear to hear his name but she won't come alone. HELP!
2007-11-26 03:55:50 · 22 answers · asked by proud walker 7 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Call his bluff and dont tiptoe. Most people dont like to challenge this head on, it seems impolite. He's an adult and to see him have a tantrum is disturbing but to not face it makes it worse, makes him carry on and do it more. Explain how it affects your lives to your daughter and tell her that although he (as her guest) is her responsibility you will not tolerate his bad manners any longer and will talk to him direct if he has a hissy ift. Whatever else you do, dont pander to his controlling ways or he is then not only controlling your daughter, but you and the rest of your family as well. She might be willing to stand for it at home, but you dont have to in yours! He acts up to have power over you all, not unlike a three year old's tantrums. If you dont let him have his way, like a three year old he will wail and scream, but ultimatley if you stand by your guns he will have to give in and behave. She should really be leaving him if he's that bad. By allowing the situation to continue and putting up with it, you are showing both him but especially her that his behaviour is normal and acceptable.Set an example to her and show her how to treat him when he tantrums. If by not accepting it it comes to a head and she has to leave, you'll only have brought a swifter end to a bad situation. It will only be this one christmas, win the fight and make it stick and next year will be all peace and harmony instead of putting up with it yet again!!!
2007-11-26 04:13:33 · answer #1 · answered by Wonderwoman 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, there really is nothing you can do at this point. Let your daughter know that you and the rest of the family are there for her, willing to help her, should she come to her senses and LEAVE him. Assure her that she has a safety net in you all.
In the meantime, she has to "hit bottom" more or less, before she finally comes to the point where she's had enough. He will never change, this I know from experience.
Hopefully, she'll cut her losses ASAP, and you need to be there for her when she does.
Sooner or later, she will regain her life and he will be nothing more than a bad memory and a lesson learned.
Good luck.
2007-11-26 12:27:55 · answer #2 · answered by Dory 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can't stand my daughter's selfish, egotistical partner. Thank heavens he has to work over Christmas, so I shan't have to see him and his constant drunkeness. She is my only child, and I shan't see her either, for the first year ever. Although he is always whinging to her about me, and trying to tell me what to do (he is a city slicker, and I am a country bumpkin), she doesn't want me to cause a row by having it out with him. I also have to walk on eggshells, and be told what to do in my own home, another slum (according to him). Actually, I smile, and go my own sweet way doing what I want to. I may be a country bumpkin, but I'm not stupid.
Sooner or later, all hell is going to break loose, and I'm going to let fly with a few home truths ( and I can be good with the verbals without being a fishwife!). It's just a matter of when, and what will trigger it. I don't like his drinking habits, or his lack of respect for her. I don't think long-term she will be able to cope with his drinking, he doesn't see he has a problem, she thinks she can save him from himself. I don't want to make her have to choose between us. You are also in this position. Why won't these girls listen?
2007-11-26 19:28:51 · answer #3 · answered by steffi 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a horrible situation, but your daughter is volunteering for it. You don't have to volunteer too. You have to take a stronger stand, yet leave her the choice.
I know it is very hard, but I think you should tell her that you are not going to allow him in your home again. Give her the phone number of a women's shelter where she can get help leaving him. Tell her that it breaks your heart to see her in an abusive relationship, but the choice is hers, not yours. You are there to help her when she decides to leave him, but she has to take the initiative. Tell her you can't give her any more money, because you see what happens when people give her money. Tell her you love her more than she can possibly imagine, and that is why you have come to this decision. If you didn't care deeply about her, you wouldn't care what happens to her. You are even willing to sacrifice her company for a while, in order to help her in the long run.
2007-11-26 12:17:21 · answer #4 · answered by The First Dragon 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell your daughter to dump him!
He sounds like a total flake!
She will be better off on her own and it sounds like the whole family will feel the benefit!
He is a control freak ok. You hear about these people going over the top, and doing crazy stuff.
Help her get out of this nightmare!
2007-11-27 15:13:38 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I totally agree with all Star 69 said. My own views are similar but why oh why are you tip toeing around a twit like him in your own house? You allow it to continue and it will just get worse. I have two daughters and some of their parteners have been less than satisfactory, but we can only advice, she will leave him eventually but in her own time, so don't push her, but do not allow this little bully to take over your home or even your christmas celebrations. Don't ban him because your daughter will only be pushed into being loyal to him and start lying and making excuses to you.
Allow him to visit, but at the first sign of his rudeness or bully boy tactics, step in and tell him he may get away with it with your daughter but you will not tolerate it in your home. Tell him if he doesn't like it he knows where the door is, he may well storm off, if he does, let him, he won't accept another invite. When you have other family commitments and stress, as we all do you do not allow a piddling little fart like him to cause you more stress. take control of your own home, if he continues his rudeness after you have told him it is unacceptable, then TELL HIM TO LEAVE, what is he to you? a nothing and a nobody. Your daughter will not stay with him after he has shown himself up to be such a twit, have faith in her, she will realise it, eventually. In the meantime, sod him, he isn't worth another second of your time.
2007-11-26 19:22:38 · answer #6 · answered by Mazanb 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is horrible and you have every right to dislike him for the way he acts and how he treats your daughter.
However, the Christmas season is about giving and family. So, let your guard down just for the Holiday, let him stay but don't give him the satisfaction of upsetting you. When he gets to your house let him know that there will be no yelling or fussing in your house and that he needs to repsect your daughter, end of story.
If he doesn't like it-- he can leave.
2007-11-26 12:00:55 · answer #7 · answered by ♪Msz. Nena♫ 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
OMG what an idiot! He sounds like a nasty immature little boy.
If she insists on bringing him I'd be cold and polite and distant with him. This man sounds like he needs a serious dose of grow-up and face reality, that his appalling behaviour is going to have consequences. If he starts playing up then I'd tell him to leave. He's under your roof and has to respect your rules.
And I'd work on your daughter's self esteem to help her get out of this destructive relationship. Been there done that myself. It eats away at you over time.
He sounds like the type who'd be violent too. I've been there also.
2007-11-27 02:58:39 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Im sorry but you are going to have to explain that you feel it best that he doesnt come for christmas.
Say that under the recent circumstances you cant take any more stress.
Tell your daughter that you love her very much and will always be there for her but you cant handle all the stress that he brings.
Or you have to bite your tongue for the sake of your daughter and put up with it.
Good luck.
2007-11-26 12:02:56 · answer #9 · answered by scragette2000 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell her that she is making a bad move... tell her to look back at whats happened.... he obviously is just an attention seeker... she doesnt need him... Just offer her a home and tell her shes made a bad move
Hopefully she will see sense... but if not just remember she is your daughter and try to be there for her when things turn bad again...
As for that jerk... well lets not even go down that line...
2007-11-26 12:01:40 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋