Am i being unreasonable?

Question

I am currently 27weeks pregnant and seem to being having on going arguements and bad feeling with my mother. I am in a very happy relationship with my boyfriend and am very settled. My mother has always been someone who doesn't advise she tells. Since i've been pregnant she has gotten worse. Me & my BF wanted to be the onlypeople there at the birth and the scans she was put out by this as she was there with my sister through everything (her only grandchild til now) but even to the tiny details like nappys I've bought the wrong ones in her eyes because ther not the same as my sister had. Also when she asks my BF his opinion about anything even down to what new carpet were getting in our own house if she doesn't like what we've chosen and he disagrees with her she takes that as hes being cheeky to her and speaking out of turn why ask if you don't want an honest answer. Am i being touchy or is this a common problem with grandparents with the second grandchild constantly compared

We've had the babys name chosen for ages now have told her lots of times but she keeps getting it wrong and doesn't see anything wrong in that. She just always manages to make me feel like everything i or we do is not quite good enough.

Answer 1

I think if it's intolerable you should talk to her in a "nice" but firm way. You are not your sister, quit comparing her to you, you are an adult about to become a mom, etc. If she wants a good relationship with you, your bf and your baby she needs to lighten up and keep her opinions to a minimum.

BTW I had to do that with my mom several years ago and now we are the best of friends.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Oh my, this can be a common problem with lots of people, ESPECIALLY grandparents, yours is just more extreme because you happen to be living with your mother right now. In all honesty, she is probably just trying to help you and doesn't realize that she's driving you NUTS! And unfortunately there isn't a whole lot that you can do to change her. If she becomes truly nasty towards you or your husband when she asks your opinion about something, simply inform her, as nicely as possible, that if she doesn't really want your opinion, not to ask. (Remember, kill 'em with kindness!). It is very much you and your BFs decision regarding the birth and ultrasounds, I did the same thing as you and caught ALOT of flak about it. I ended up having my mother in the room for the birth and was glad I did (but our situations weren't quite the same either!), and with my 2nd child when I went for the ultrasound to find out the sex, my hubby was in the room, but we had him leave when we were nearly done and grab my mom from the waiting room so she could come see the sex and be a part of it too. And she was so excited, so I was glad I did it.
Bottom line, you are going to get lots of unwelcome and unsolicited advice as a new parent. The best advice I ever got was from my great-grandmother and she said, "You just take the good, and leave the rest." Become the master of the smile and nod; smile, say "that's interesting" or "thank you" and nicely change the subject. Good luck (sorry for the lengthy response!)

Answer 3

It's very common. She's getting a little older and obsolete, and she's afraid that she's not useful. Her criticisms are intended to make you realize that you still need her. The best way to handle this is to call her up and ask her opinion on an occasional mundane decision, and compliment her on her wisdom.
This will smooth things over for the short run, but eventually, more drastic measures will have to be taken to protect your sanity. Try not to mention nursing homes or glue factories within earshot of her, but you probably should be thinking of a 'peaceful' facility located a good long distance from you and your new family.
Putting her away can be tricky. Since she seems really proud, she probably won't 'retire' willingly, so tell her you're taking her to help you interview obstetricians. This way she won't be alarmed by the white coats until they've safely sedated her and strapped her over a bedpan.
Enjoy your new family and mom-free life!

Answer 4

If this is how your mother has always been then to be honest I feel for you. You may be a little more sensitive to it at the moment while you are pregnant but neither you and your boyfriend are doing anything wrong.

I have had a small experience of this myself but with my now ex-partners mother, she liked to play favourites but I wouldn't let her with my son, although she still has him as one of her favourites I stop her from treating him any differently from the others.

It's your mother so you may find it hard but I would tell her, the next time she compares you to your sister, that you aren't your sister and that this isn't your sister's baby and as such you will be choosing what is right for both you and your family, and also that although you appreciate her input and advice that you wish she wouldn't get so upset when her advice isn't acted on.

Out of curiosity what was her mother like?

Answer 5

You need to be firm but kind. (Try never to say words that in time you'd regret could never be unsaid.) Tell her she's your mother and you love her, but that this is your baby and you are her mother. The only people who have any right to be present at the birth are you and whoever you choose. Be firm, and do not back down if your desire is just to have your baby's father present.

Do not get angry, however much you may feel goaded or pressurised by what she may say -- it is quite difficult to be persistently angry with someone who is unswervingly coolheaded. If you respond to anger in kind, you give the other person a 'hook' to get under your skin. Your objective must always be to get your own way in a matter so personally important to you, and a shouting match will just exhaust you and leave you worse off. The key is to be firm, polite, and non-confrontational. But be your own woman.

Answer 6

It's your life, and your baby. Your Mum is only trying to help because she cares about you, but she must be told that there is a difference between giving advice and imposing her will on you. Tell her that you will listen to her advice, but that ultimately you will choose whether or not you want to act on that advice. Tell her that you have a right to make your own choices, and that even if they turn badly, they are yours to make. My Dad was (sometimes, still is) the same. He would give "advice", then be offended if we didn't take it. I had to sit him down and explain to him that even if I got things wrong I wanted to do them my way. I explained that I didn't do things differently just to get at him, and that I didn't ignore his advice. I just chose a different route.

Be patient but firm with your Mum. Remember that she is only trying to help you, and that she is just trying to make things run smoothly for you...... I do think that wanting to be there at the birth etc. is going a bit too far though. Maybe you can tell her that she will be the first person you call when the baby is born.

I've had some difficult times with my Dad, but I love him to bits, and he has been an enourmous help to us when we've needed it. I'm sure you will be very grateful to have your Mum around when you need a babysitter, or just for odd bits of advice that you do need.

Good luck!

Answer 7

Your are not being unreasonable at all. I have had the same issues with my mother. This is a very private occasion between you boyfriend and you. If you choose to have only the two of you at the birth, that is definately your right. You may have to be a little hard about it. Trust me, she will get over it. My mother tends to be a little overbearing and I have had to stand my ground several times. You are not being touchy. You and your sister are different people with different views. Just follow your heart. Good luck with your new baby!

Answer 8

Ooooooooooh! Has your mum always been like that or is it since you flew the nest and started your own life? It doesn't sound like an unusual problem between parents and children, although that fact doesn't make it any easier for you does it! Your mum obviously loves you very much, otherwise she wouldn't be so interested and desperate to have such a huge influence in your decisions. I do feel she needs to trust you and your boyfriend more, you sound very happy together and its wonderful you're both expecting your baby, congratulations to you both. Your mum needs to be kept informed and to be made to feel special (as a mum and grandma), but does need to be told in the best way you know how, that she needs to trust your abilities to be a grown adult. It sounds to me like it's an issue between daughter and mum, not grandma and grandchild! You and your other half need to carry on supporting each other as the team that you are and try and gain contol of this before your baby arrives, otherwise it may become even more unbearable for you both. Wouldn't it be lovely to have her support as a grandma rather than having to fight against her. You mentioned your sister a couple of times, do you need to speak to her also?

Answer 9

Sounds like you need to tell her in a nice way that if she has nothing nice to say, please don't say anything at all. I would also suggest to her that she should have another baby since it sounds like she wants to be a mom in that way again. Why don't you have your sister talk to her and have her back off? I wouldn't take her call for a week, or answer the door when she comes. When she asks questions that will lead to an argument just don't answer. It takes 2 to argue. If she is thinking everything you buy is wrong, tell Her to go out and spend Her money to get you what she thinks you need. Just try to stay away from her, don't stress yourself.

Answer 10

You are not unreasonable. You are entitled to make any decision you want, particularly when it comes to YOUR child and YOUR relationship with your bf. It is a tough transition from having parents involved in every aspect of your life to having a spouse/significant other as your key person. Tough for you to draw the right lines and tough for the parents to let go. It is really up to you to find the best way to let your mother know that these are your decisions and she needs to support them. It will take time and understanding but it will hopefully happen. Sometimes you have to let it go in one ear and out the other and other times you have to take a stance. You will know when it is time for each, just trust your gut.

Remember, you and your bf are starting a new family and must define the terms for your new family. If your mother is reasonable she will come around, if not deal with her the best you can by knowing what to expect so that you do not allow her to upset you.

Answer 11

no, you're not being unreasonable. Just explain to your mother that you have your own ideas of how your child should be raised, and just because you don't do the same things as your sister that doesn't mean you're wrong. Also tell her, mom you raised me to have a good head on my shoulders, now it's time you trusted me to do the right things. That'll compliment her which always helps, and it will also let her know to back off. Sometimes parents can be so annoying, even after you're grown. And about the name, say look mom I've told you several times what the baby's name is, if you can't get it right then I'm sorry but you won't be able to see the baby, I don't want him(or her) to get confused about his/her name. Of course you don't actually have to follow through with it, but maybe it will scare her into saying the name right. Or say, look, I've told you several times now what the baby's name is, could you please try to say it right so the baby won't be confused? I know you don't like the name we've picked but it's our choice not yours, so say it right.