I need help ASAP???

Question

Well, I asked a question yeesterday about my husband and step daughter.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...
Well,today I started to bring the subject up to him. He asked me what was wrong and I told him. "I need alittle help, I know you work, but I could even use a few hours a week to myself." I told him that its very hard to raise a colicky baby with severe Acid Reflux all by myself plus take care of your daughter who refuses to listen to me. And that I cant chase her around all day while the baby is screaming, vomiting and crying.When he does get home the first thing he does is crack open a beer. Which is fine but, then Im left to care for his daughter all weekend long.Im not her Mother, so it makes it hard for me to disapline her.She just wont listen and does nothing but disrespect me, and my family.I have my son to care for, if she refuses to listen to me, CONTINUED BELOW>

and her Mother and father wont help me, then I feel its not my responsibility. I told him if Im watching his daughter all weekend long, he needs to give me time to myself to unwind and relax for a few hours. But right after I talked to him, he went to go hang out with his buddy and drink. I have been sick for a week or so, and he has not helped me for even 5 minutes.. Before I got pregnant he was a different person. I was excited about having his child, but not he neglects our son.People keep telling me I have to deal with his daughter. I have tried every approach I possibly could with her. Nothing works. She is out of control and they wont do anything. So Im the one that has to deal with it on the weekends with a 5 month old baby.And my son no matter what comes first, not him not his daughter. MY SON. Help please.

Yea I know he works, but he gets to relax and do whatever he wants after work and on the weekends. I have no time at all to myself to unwind. Im pretty much a single Mom, but with added stress taking care of an out of control 10 year old, and a husband who neglects me and my son. My parents have even made comments on how I do everything and he offers no help.

Its to the point to where I dont want her near my son, 1 because I dont trust her, and 2 I dont want him to pick up on her behavior.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Alsn4nV5dqyUqY3WQVxDtv3sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071125001447AAqPyPb

Answer 1

Hi.. i didn't read your first question, just so you know, but i'd like to say that your husband's daughter is NOT your responsibility, she is his... and in saying that, if he wants to abandon her and you all weekend long while he's off work, then you can just take her back to her mom's.... and be done with it! Let her mother know he's not home.

I don't care if he works all week or not... mothers have a lot of work to do, especially with a new baby. And it sounds as if your new baby keeps you very busy right now. Your husband has FAMILY RESPONSIBILITIES which he's not fulfilling... drinking beer isn't part of that -- he needs to drink beer in his free time -- not on family time....

Maybe he could try AA?

Meanwhile, your step-daughter is likely reacting to HER own situation -- father is remarried, and from what you say, your husband has a tendency to abandon the family and go do his thing with friends... how would you feel if you were a little kid and your dad spent every weekend away, leaving your step mom to "babysit"? Truly, it's NOT YOU who has caused the step daughter's misbehavior, but the situation, and her father's own actions. Think about it....

Children of divorce have a lot on their plates... we can't just expect them to accept things and adjust. This little girl needs reassurance from her FATHER! He's irresponsible and lax.

I suppose that, one thing you might try (i dont' know your step daughter's age) is to let her know you CARE. Let her know that if she needs to talk, you are there to listen. She might stomp off when you let her know, but she WILL remember it..... Perhaps ask her to help with the baby and include her in things -- even as simple as baking cookies.

I feel for you... i wouldn't put up with a guy like yours for 10 minutes... i hope you get some good answers here....

Answer 2

Okay... you have been left holding the bag. Husband is AWOL and not doing anything to help. Come on now... everyone has to work. Sounds like you would actually be getting a break if you left the kids at daycare and went to a regular job.

You are the mama in the family and what you say goes. Your new mantra is, “If the mama ain’t happy, then NOBODY is happy.” The mama is the ultimate authority. You must step into your power as such.

You have to be the parent, which means you must use every method at your disposal to instill the values in your children that will help them to be successful in life. They cannot navigate our society without morals, ethics, responsibility and respect.

If that means instilling respect by means of a well aimed slap on the face or a doubled-up belt across their behinds, then so be it. If you have to take away prized possessions (computer, I-pod, video game), or ground them, that is fine. You do what you must to get the point across. Try to keep in mind this phrase: "what would have gotten through to me at this age?"

You provide for all of their needs, so while they are under your roof, the kids must obey your rules. They must go to school, keep their grades up, do their homework, pick up after themselves and do whatever chores you ask of them. If they will not comply, the door is that-a-way. You have to handle these little insurrections hard and fast.

That said, the 10 year old is plenty old enough to understand that there are repercussions for her behavior. Time to take the bull by the horns. If the kid squalls, that is fine. She can go live with her mother, but if she is going to stay under your roof, there are rules.

Answer 3

That is ridiculous. I can't believe he went out. Don't your parents get mad that they are helping you with a place to live and he's throwing away money on partying? I would be.
I still say you need to ask her nicely to do what you need her to do and if she doesn't call him, if he doesn't immediately come home, call her mom and tell her to come get her. You have TOO much on your hands to be dealing with this. PLUS, that trick she pulled where she was pushing on the baby's soft spot was just INSANE. She could have killed him. I would NOT leave her alone with your son.
Why don't you try this: have a plan made out for the WHOLE weekend. Have chores and activities planned for every minute of the day. Make her and your hus help with cooking dishes, making beds, the whole bit. I know HE may not help, but she should. If she is busy, she has a lesser chance of acting crazy.
I think you should start going to church on Sunday. It will be a great break for you. The baby can go in the nursery, the daughter can go to children's church. Next week, Daughter won't WANT to be with you on Sunday and go to church where she has to behave. After church, if you can afford it, go out to eat. By the time out get back, it should be time for Daughter to go home. Don't forget to call her mother and tell her you are taking her to church so she can sent proper clothes.
Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 4

Hello,
It takes two people to make a marriage and two people to break a marriage. United you stand and divided you fall. So, your situation seems to have fallen on deaf ears and your are being left holding the bag of responsibility alone rather than in a partnership.
You need to think about what your priorities are and calmly think of alternative solutions for handling this problem. The more alternatives that you have the more clearer things will feel.
Communication is vital and boundaries are essential regarding the step-child and former wife. Hopefully, you have people that are supportive of you and that if you chose to leave your husband (in order to get your message across as to how serious you are about this situation) they would allow you and your son to have a safe haven so that you will be able to decide what is best for yourself and your son.
A marriage counselor would be a good place to go or if you attend a church.....ask your minister to help you explain this need to your husband.
Hope you will find some ideas that will help you to get your life and family back on track. BFN

Answer 5

Raising children is a job and men don't seem to realize that. I work in a daycare and love taking care of children. She is most lilkly mad if her father isn't around for her when she is sopose o be there to see him and is taking i out on you. If you only have the his daughter on the weekend try planning things a little better. Wheen your son goes down fr a nap have activities for her. Tell your husband that if he needs to give you money to buy stuff for his daughter to do. Go to a arts and crafts store and pick out things she may like. Set up a spot in your house for her to do this stuff well you son is sleeping. Then well his sleeping and she is doing arts and crafts you can relax. Also if your husband doesn't want to help tell him he needs to hire some one a couple of hours a day to help you around the house and with his daughter. I hope this helps.

Answer 6

If you haven't done this, I suggest you demand he sit and listen to you and what you're going through. If he is any kind of real man he already knows. Then if he refuses to pitch in and work with you, the next step would be counseling. If he refuses that, then you need to explore other options...like leaving him. Before you do though I would take some time off and stay with your parents while you evaluate the situation. Your child does come first and is totally dependent on you. Maybe with you gone for awhile your poor excuse of a husband will re-evaluate his responsibility. Personally I doubt it. With all said and done...take care of yourself, keep your dignity and refuse to be his slave under the disguise of marriage. I'm sure your parents will give you support and help in whatever way they can.

Answer 7

wow! i feel that your belief on your son being before him and his daughter is GREAT! thats a very good thing that you feel that way.
you seriously need to sit him down and tell him that he needs to take care of his daughter. leave him stuck in the house with his daughter while you and your baby go to a park and relax. or sit the girl down and give her a talk!
be like this is your new brother and that
she has to cooperate.
& that she cant do what ever she wants & that she has to listen to you or i will tell her dad.

*take away her t.v./radio/computer/mp3 player/ipod*
and when your husband comes home you tell him all the bad things she did.

you can also try to make friends with girl. for example
tell her lets go shopping or take her along with u to a park. or buy her something nice. or allow her too cook with you. thats always fun.
i think thats your best approach to befriend her

well good luck with you and your baby.

Answer 8

I would separate from him. Go to your family's home for a while. When he starts begging you to come back, tell him that this will be his last chance. If he does not help you, and start disciplining his daughter, it is over. You might even want to suggest some marriage counseling.

Answer 9

Where is her mother?