just wondering if someone can help me with this one?

Question

when signing the adoption papers, we are all in agreement that it will be "open" and all the promises made. then clearly there is a relationship and contact with the child and then when she is almost 18 months old, i'm told i can't see her anymore.... why don't i and others like me have any legal recourse. or do i?

I WANT TO THANK THOSE WHO GAVE ADVICE OR AT LEAST UNDERSTANDING AND ENCOURAGEMENT.

dear WASHINGTON.... i was not in competition with her AP daily. At that that, i was seeing her once a week. i had a job, and was getting ready to go back to school.

i didn't hear you mention that her grandparents were in competition with each other.

i was in counseling and progressing, HOWEVER THEY WERE NOT. as a matter of fact, i INSISTED when i moved up to live with them that we all have group counseling once a week and then i needed my own counseling once a week while i was pregnant. then I asked that they put me up in a hotel the week after she was born for recovery. the AP mom was LIVID about the few hundred $'s it would cost. both worked, she's a doctor. I told them that we were going to need some space then. she wanted me to stay with someone in the family & i said that it would be too much for everyone. the family needed to bond.FINALLY we went to the counselor. he TOTALLY agreed with me. he was a bit ticked off with them.

i have found that first moms, in most cases, try to put the well being of their child first. that's all i cared about, what would be best for her. the AP mom was all about herself. she didn't want to spend any money..... she had issues, i just couldn't face up to them. you are so wrong, and so uneducated.

you don't feel empathy, you don't have a clue.

YOU MUST HAVE MISSED THE PART ABOUT "OPEN" ADOPTION AND THE AGREEMENT WE HAD. I WAS NOT A STRANGER TO THESE PEOPLE. I'D KNOWN THEM SINCE I WAS IN 5TH GRADE.

THEY DIDN'T HONOR THEIR END OF THE AGREEMENT. THEY HAVE NO HONOR. BAD PEOPLE DON'T MAKE GOOD PARENTS.

Answer 1

I am so so sorry, Red. Although many of the people here on Y!A have tried to explain to mothers considering open adoption that these agreements are not honored 80% of the time, the message doesn't reach everyone.

This is not to say that you don't have recourse. Please do contact a lawyer and use the links below to help you.

Since I don't know where you live or the nature of your open agreement, all I can do is provide some links that may help you. A lawyer will be familiar with the current law (or the law at the time of your agreement).

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I hope things will work out for the benefit of all - most especially for your daughter.

http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/state/index.cfm
http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statutes/cooperativeall.pdf
http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statutes/cooperative.cfm

Answer 2

Though I feel empathy with your desire to be involved with a child you have birthed, I think it is absolutely important to step back and let the adoptive parents PARENT the child. That is ultimately the entire point of adopting out a child...letting someone else be the parent.

The only reason they may have taken such a step would be that they felt as though you were involved to the point that the child would feel confused about who his/her Mommy is. For an adoptive parent, I should think it would be horrible to feel as though you are competeing daily for the love and devotion of the child you have taken as your own.

I suppose it seems a little harsh the way I'm stating it, but just step back and let her parents have her, OK? There will be plenty of time when the child is older to get to know each other. A time when the child feels is right...

Again, I know it's a harsh way to put it. I have a very firm belief that the family that has been created by an adoption needs to be able to bond and grow together. Imagine someone stepping into YOUR home and claiming a right to YOUR child. Anyone would balk at that. This is THEIR child. Let them be. They are not trying to erase who you are, they are Just trying to RAISE THEIR CHILD. The child will know and love you. Just give this family the time they need.

I'm reiterating, I suppose, so I'll stop now.

Give them the space and time to have their family.

OK...now I'll stop.

It's just that these parents are being painted as evil and I know there is a second side that no body has acknowleged.

That's it. I swear.

Edit (response): Everything you said points to the same conclusion I had before: you are trying to be too involved in how they handle their lives. They didn't adopt YOU, they adopted the baby. How can you insist that they go to counseling? How can you think that weekly visits are NOT invasive? Even non-custodial parents in a divorce generally see their child once every TWO weeks! And your insistance that they put you up in a hotel for a week.... few hundred dollars?!? If it so little money, YOU spend YOURS to stay in a hotel. Didn't want to spend any money? On what? YOU? How long do these people have to pay you off, in your opinion? You didn't SELL your baby. My opionin remains the same.

And YES...empathy DOES apply. I wish I could have time with the daughter I adopted out. BUT IT'S NOT MY PLACE. She HAS parents. I sympathize with what THEY are going through to parent this child. You shouldn't be making it more difficult. It's not about YOU.

Answer 3

Unfortunatly there is no real legal recource. I have had the same thing happen, except we agreed that I would wait 6 months before seeing him for the first time. I agreed, thinking it would be best for me, to give me time to heal. But she never let me see him. I do get a picture or two once a year. For me, that is enough. I could nothing. Be patient. The parents will come around one day. It just might not be as soon as we hope. But rest assured, the amom is doing what she feels is best for the child. She loves the child very much, and may be fearful that your getting to close and she may loose him. Just give her time!

Good luck, and God Bless!!

Answer 4

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling, but I have to disagree with some things. you cannot ask them to pay for your hotel room. Most times the adopting parents will pay for your hospitl bill, but I don't think they have to. It's usually their choice to do it and I believe most do just out of courtesy. I considered adoption when I was pregnant and even talked to lawyers about all of my options. We talked about open adoptions and I was WARNED about the outcomes of Open Adoptions. That is why I didn't go through with it.

However, you did dign a legal agreement so you need to go to the lawyer that wrote the agreement up. When going through the adoption process, lawyers on both sides go through your rights and the adopting parents rights with a fine tooth comb just so everyone is in an understanding and they explain everything thouroghly. You were told all of your rights as well as theirs for reasons just like what you are going through right now. People take things to court saying they didn't understand what they were signing etc. to have the adoption reversed. So believe me....it's all in the paperwork you signed. You need to go back and check your paperwork to make sure you understand your rights.

Good Luck and I hope everything that happens is what is best for the child becaus ethat's the whole reason this all started, because you wanted what was best for her right?

Answer 5

Do you live in a state where the agreement is legally binding? If not then there is nothing that you can do, legally. You can however have a mediator and have a sit down with everyone and talk about things and why they are stepping back and not honoring the agreement made.
I have had to do this because I live in a state where they are not legally binding and her parents have stepped back.
If I have to honor the agreement and then, well, they should to. Since, what kind of message does that send to your child? That promises don't need to be kept and that they are worthless and made to be broken.

Answer 6

I adopted my son 3 years ago and I wish his BM would have wanted an open adoption. To me, I feel it is so important to keep everyone together. My son knows he's adopted but of course doesn't have a clue really what it means. I didn't want him to grow up and find out later in life and wonder who he is. To me, it is important to both family's together for the sake of the child. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and hope that you go seek a lawyer and go over those papers. Good Luck!!!

Answer 7

If you prefer marie osmond that so much to have an effect on your devout association...definite EDIT: Apparently Micheal is retarded. If we base the whole thing off of cartoons....we could have an exciting international one million. We'd all have yellow epidermis, and over the path of two decades handiest age three years two. When we get indignant, we would develop muscle tissue and switch inexperienced three. When our family have been in risk, we would be capable to shoot spiderwebs from our wrists. four. We'd are living in house, have robots and one eye'd peers five. Gravity do not have any outcome till we spotted it.

Answer 8

My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine making an agreement such as this and not keeping it. In fact, we were willing to keep our open adoption agreement, and it was the birth parents who chose not to participate. It was difficult for us to accept - but not nearly what you are experiencing. We are blessed to have our son's bio-grandparents involved in his life on a regular basis.

Unfortunately, your recourse is probably going to depend on the agency that processed the adoption or your state laws. We were all told when we were signing the papers (birth parents included) that although we were committing to an open adoption, that most courts would not uphold the paperwork (something I still find ridiculous - even as an adoptive mother - to me it is a contract so why not uphold it unless the child is truly in danger). Our agency said that failure to abide by the openness would result in the addresses being provided to the opposite party. Well, our son's birth parents separated and both moved out of state - so there are no addresses.

I agree that you should have some type of legal recourse. You signed in essence a "contract". I would contact a lawyer to see what they have to say if the agency is not able to help you. If that doesn't work, start writing to your state legislature for help. Until we all (bio & adoptive parents alike) start working in unison to change these laws, our children continue to suffer.

Good luck to you in your fight. Stay strong. And remember that not all adoptive parents are like these people.

Answer 9

I am so sorry. That is so common. I was in a few different email support groups and believe it or not, most of them are birthmothers who had the same thing happen. I don't have an answer for you, but PLEASE continue to stand up for yourself. Is the birth plan on a document that you have or that the agency has a copy of? Don't give up. This is too important and I can imagine how heartwrenching it must be.

Hang in there.

Answer 10

I think your best bet is to consult a lawyer on this one. A lawyer will be more seasoned in adoption and family laws for your state and will be able to tell you whether your open adoption is enforceable. Unfortunately there are very few states that legally honor open adoption agreements. I hope that your state is one of them. Good luck.