Confused, Abused, and Out of Options...?

Question

My dad is a habitual, functional alcoholic who is EXTREMELY emotionally abusive. Every Sat. night I drive 1.5 hours to pick him up from his favorite bar where he drinks from before I wake up in the morning until he calls me to come get him at whatever time he deems necessary in order for him to chug however many drinks he wants. I do not want to be an enabler, but if I leave him there to drive home himself, he will probably kill someone else. Then it would be my fault. I do not have any resources for any kind of help. I have tried talking to him when he his sober, but nothing has changed and he is just as mean/mushy sober as he is drunk. I cannot tell anyone at school...it is a small town and my mom works there....I cannot contact Alateen/Alanon bc mom does not approve of outside help. I am 17 and my sister is 12...I have to go to college next year, but I don't want to leave this for my sister to deal with this, my responsibility....not hers....I don't know what to do. It has been this

way since I was 3 years old...I can't take it anymore...I am so frustrated and can't stand the constant changes in mood and inconsistent rules. I don't know what is what and I can't just leave and let my sister have it for herself...it wouldn't be fair....but what do I do?? Like I said...I have no resources and no family to go to. As far as everyone is concerned we are the 'leave it to beaver' family.

Also...I know someone is going to suggest this...but yes, I've talked to my mom, and NO she won't even consider leaving him. This summer we had to leave him for two weeks because he became very violent, after two weeks mom decided he was changed and everything was fixed, and my sister and I were forced to move back in.

Answer 1

Wow girl you got your plate full. whether or not your mom approves of outside help, you're going to have to get some. She doesn't have to know if you're going to Al-anon meetings. Go and get help. It's completely anonymous. You won't be able to do anything on your own. And seriously, if it's that bad maybe your sister shouldn't be living there. Of course your mom is against help because it would show people how abusive your family life really is.
I went through this myself when I was a kid. I got the whole bag of tricks, emotional and physical abuse. And nobody would ever help no matter how many people I told.
But it's different now, people will help you.
Hang in there OK sweetie, and good luck to you!

Answer 2

I am very sorry to hear this from a 17 year old. You have done your share in helping make things work out. You really have to tell someone even if your mother does not approve of it. Pretty soon you will be gone to college. The worst thing that will be in your mind is that you did not go and seek outside help (if ever something bad really happens). Your mom may be hurt with your actions in the beginning but she will understand in the end. And don't worry about the small town talking. It is your problem, and will be theirs, too, if your dad hit someone while driving drunk (because you are no longer there to drive for him). Act now. No one deserves to be emotionally and physically abused.

I am happy that you are trying to protect your sister. You will realize that you will be protecting her more when you are out in college by immediately calling for outside help. Your guidance counsellor may be your first step. Your sister will be very vulnerable when you are away, considering that she is way too young to handle these things.

Answer 3

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Go to a meeting outside of your immediate area or contact the hotline. It is anonymous for a reason and even if your mom doesn't want help, you should get help. It is NOT your fault that your dad does what he does. It is also NOT your responsibility to pick him up or to take on all this for your family. Natural consequences happen and you need to let them happen. It might mean he gets picked up for drunk driving....so be it...maybe he gets help then. Your mom is very invested in keeping a secret, but you are all being harmed by keeping that secret. A school couselor, minister or family counselor will keep your secret while helping to guide you. No matter how much you all try to avoid it, at some point something will slip and you won't be able to control it. You don't have to carry around this guilt and sense of responsibility. Reach out, don't keep the secrets. I hope you find some help and comfort somewhere. You need to take care of YOU and let the rest sort itself out. For your little sister, take her to Alateen with you or help her find help on the hotline or online. Your mom and dad will have to face the consequences of their actions and choices. Give yourself a big hug then reach out.

Answer 4

Hello I sat and became you so that I would be able to give you a logical answer to your question, what would I do in this situation. I weigh all my options and none of them were easy.You said your father was your responsibility no hon he is not he is your father that has an illness and needs help.You need to talk to your mom and tell her you are not going to do this any more be respectful, get you a job there has to be something out there.Your sister will be 13 by the time you go to college so she is safe for a couple of years. Your mom needs to take more of a stand in this situation. As far as your father not much you can do about that until he ask for help.You try enjoying your life you are so young to be caring around all this stress.Very proud of you going to college lots of studying and be the top of your class my wish for you good luck sweetie.

Answer 5

If you live in a small town and your dad is getting drunk at a bar everyone allready knows. Go seek profesional help for your sisters sake. In a year you'll be 18 and can choose to make your own way in the world. She cant. You need to stop enabling tell you dad you will no longer help him drink. What he does or doesnt do isnt your fault. If you wanna save the community when he calls from the bar needing a ride tell jim to get a cab. If he can afford drinks at a bar he can afford a cab ride.

Answer 6

Morgan, Your story is very sad. I understand what it's like to live with an alcoholic person. Fact is, until he wants the help or until he reaches his bottom and is forced to get help there really isn't anything anyone can do. If you can't talk about this to other family members you can't even try an intervention. Your Mom doesn't sound like she wants to help at all. It sounds like she is hiding her head in the sand from this. As far as your schooling goes honey you have to go to college. Your little sister will be 13 then and she will be forced to handle it just as you have been. It isn't fair I know but you can't let your own life be ruined because of your father!

Answer 7

FIrst of all it wouldn't be your fault if he chose to drink and drive. Maybe that's the wakeup call he and your family needs. You are going to and I can tell you resent that you think you HAVE to do this. I would tell him and your mom that you aren't doing this anymore and that if your dad chooses to drive home drunk you will tell the bartender to call the cops, or you will set your alarm when dad is supposed to leave and call the cops with his liscence plate ready to read to them. You do have a choice. This IS NOT your responsibility and you will continue to enable him and your mother if you do this. They both have probems they need to deal with eventually and you need to step away. Thank God you are leaving next year, but you also need to start letting your parents be adults and accept the responsibility for their poor choices. It's a shame your mother is too proud to accept outside help, if more people would there might be alot less messes to clean up. I really wish you the best and hope you make the wise choice.

Answer 8

It was the same way for me when I was in high school, GO TO COLLEGE whatever you do go away to school. I didn't and I dread it everyday. I missed out on so much. I felt that if I left home I was leaving everyone who needed me and it would be my fault if something happened. Well guess what when I finally decided that I had enough, my dad and mom split up, and a few years later my dad got help. I was 25 years old when it finally happen but it did happen. He had to fall on face and pick himself back up. No one can do it for him and in the meantime don't let it destroy your life.

Answer 9

The only one who can help your dad is your dad. An alcoholic is not going to seek help until they have figured out what a problem it has become. If you don't want to enable his behavior, then let him drive home himself. If he kills someone, it is on him.... not you. Maybe he needs a few DUIs under his belt and a monitor on his ankle to force him to sober up.

Sounds like your family would benefit from counseling. This is his problem, not everyone elses. If you can't remove yourself and your sister from this situation, then you need to contact the proper authorities concerning your father. Trust me, he will thank you for it later on.

Answer 10

I'm sorry that you think it's your responsibility to take care of your dad. He's suppose to take care of you. I know exactly who you're talking about, right down to the inconsistant rules. I think you should talk to your mom about these problems and not your dad. You could try talking your mom into caring more about her children than what other people might think. I'm sure she's been conditioned to not want outside help but it is the only way it's going to get better and she has to help your dad get it.
Good luck and don't feel so guilty.