I am 38 years old and both of my parents were alcoholics.?

Question

My mom died of liver disease when I was 14. My father still drinks. I have a career and a family of my own now. I have no brothers or sisters. I am doing very well in my life but now I have so much resentment watching my father sit and drink all day. His health is deteriorating due to his lifestyle. It is to the point where I just don't want to have anything to do with him. I am resentful in the fact that he never took care of me when I was little but now I'm expected to take care of him. I am the type of person that you take care of your loved ones but I can't stand to even talk to him. He shows up at functions obviously drinking. He is almost 70. He is way too old to be doing this but has done it his entire life and will never change.

Any advice?

Answer 1

My advice is to let your kids have a real good look at him and see how pathetic he is and how drinking does not make you cool at all but destroys lives and relationships. Warn them that alcoholism is genetic and they could be carrying that gene and if they dont want to end up like their pathetic grandfather that they should never drink.
As for you just keep your distance as much as you possibly can. I dont believe in rewarding drunks.

Answer 2

Alcoholism is a disease. He can not help himself. Furthermore, his thinking is so clouded he probably thinks he doesn't need help. Many people start drinking to cover a deep personal pain in their life. You are not obligated to help your dad to the point where he musts live with you but you could assist him with finding a nursing home where they could get him off alcohol and monitor his health. Many times with a life of drug or alcohol abuse Parkinson's or Alzheimer's becomes a health problem so close supervision is needed.
You have deep hurts also from his neglect and from years of watching him drink. I can see some of these feelings in your e mail. Just rest assured that the hurts you feel he did not do deliberatly, and he probably feels tremendous guilt over the bad feelings he has caused you. Unfortunately he will probably never voice them unless he gets into treatment. In treatment,one of the steps an addict has to take is realizing how their actions hurt others, and they must appologize. I am more than positive your dad would do this if he were in recovery. Most addicts gladly take this step even though it is an extremely difficult thing to do. I am sure you think it would be an easy thing for some one to appologize, but please don't try to judge until you have walked in another person's shoes.
They have support groups for adult children of alcoholic parents. A support group would help you vent some of your rage and hurt. You also have to watch that you don't slip into addictive behaviors. There is evidence that people inherit a gene for addiction, and people also slip into addiction if this was a prominent example demonstrated during their childhood.
You have to feel sorry for a person who is addicted. I am sure you may have a little idea of the kaos and disrespect their lives are filled with. It is a terrible, terrible demon to have on one's back.
You sound as if you may be doing okay dispite the war zone you have been through- career, family. Hold on to it and charish it dearly. Be sure that your actions are not clouded or misguided because of emotional hurts you need to nurtue within yourself. I pray for you. I wish you peace, grace, and wisdom from above as you struggle to work out this problem you have.

Answer 3

It's sad to know your father is drinking himself to death. You are not helping him or yourself by being bitter or resentful. Forgive him just because it will help you to deal with it. He needs all the love you can give him because he is obviously miserable. If you can give him good care in spite of the fact that he didn't take good care of you, the day will come when you will have peace of mind knowing you did what was right. It's not about him; it's about you. Be the better person.

Answer 4

Well let me 1st say that I have lived with addicts in my family too. So I understand the frustrations, the guilt, and the helplessness that come with living with an alcoholic.

You said that you are the type of person who believes that you take care of loved ones.
But I have to wonder if you are really being fair to yourself.
Why do you feel you have to put yourself in a trap? Why do you volunteer to take on the care of a man you have grown to hate?
Did you learn to be so caring from HIS example?

Also, are you caring for him out of LOVE really? Or is it out of guilt? Intellectually you may feel you have nothing to be guilty over, but if all that you do for your father is wrapped in anger and resentment, then what other reason can you give for why you are there for this man?

Here's something else for you to think about as well.
You said "he is way too old to be doing this, but has done it his entire life and will never change"
My friend, I have learned that no alcoholic will ever change unless he/she has to.
As long as your father has you around to take care of him drunk or sober, then he has absolutely no reason to change either.

Answer 5

First of all don't drink alcohol yourself since your parents are both alcoholics. Then remember that you can't choose your parents. Just be as nice as you can tolerate to him knowing that he isn't going to live forever. Sadly, we can't go back. It will be much easier for you when he dies if you have tried a little to be nice to him. Then you will have no regrets. Again...you didn't choose these alkies for parents so try to leave the resentment behind because it will only hurt you, not him. He doesn't care. Does he?

Answer 6

If you choose to take care of your father then why complain and show resentment? Either take care of him and keep your mouth shut and forgive him or....don't take care of him and then complain and be resentful towards him. You are grown now and the past should be just that the past. Let it go so it don't eat at you. He has his own life and you have yours. Make the best of it.

Answer 7

I'm so sorry for whats happened to you my heart goes out to you. What you are feeling is normal. You have every right to feel the way you do. Right now if you feel like you can't deal with this then you don't have to. There are other ways for him to be taken care of. Let him know that you are willing to take care of him but he has to stop drinking, if not then there is alternatives. More than likely being that he has drank all these years he probably won't stop until God calls him home. You got to remember, you have a family to think of too. Your kids don't need to see this kind of life style etiher. They don't need to see you stressed out because someone in your family doesn't want to change. You are only obligated to who you brought into this world. If your dad wants to be a part of your world he has to change his. Also seek out support for children with alcoholic parents. It will help you deal with so much in your life. Sometimes our pasts don't hit us until way later so be prepared. I'll be praying for you! Good luck an God Bless

Answer 8

Have u ever told your dad the drinking upsets you?. I think your family needs profesional help. AA or something, Sorry about your mom. All the best and glad to hear you havint chosen the same path.

Answer 9

as an adult child of an alcoholic, i hope you yourself went to Al-Anon, best thing for you
you dont HAVE to take care of him, nor does he have to come anywhere near you
my mother was the alcoholic in my family... till she got sober, i had nothing to do with her
unfortunately, she isnt much of a person sober either
good luck

Answer 10

well tell him, tell him he never took care of u and now u feel like u are responsible for him, and u dont want to feel that way cuz he never took care of u, tell him u cent stand him and u hate seeing him around, tell him ur true feeling and maybe he will feel so bad and hurt that maybe he will change