we need to stop fighting...help?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a month, and it seemed like once we hit the first year...we just could not stop getting at each others throat. We fight about the dumbest things..he snaps...i snap. i don't know what to do anymore. we see each other everyday..but i'm so confused about that because i was thinking "ok, maybe if we dont see each other as often"..and then i started working sundays all day and he says to me that he doesnt like me working sundays because he misses me. i'm freaking out because he is the love of my life, and i dont want to loose him. but we need to stop fighting.

Answer 1

This is not as bad of a situation as you might think. Fighting shows that both parties still care about each other and want to express themselves. It connotes passion and a future. It also seems like you have the same fighting style. There are three. One is to bottle, two is to discuss patiently, and three is to have it out. As long as your styles match, you are a good pair. However, fighting can get tiring. I would suggest, on you part, when you are in the middle of an argument, stop arguing back, no matter what irritating thing he says, and listen to him for as long as it takes for him to run out of steam. Then say your thoughts in two sentences or less. If you are thinking about what you are going to say while he is talking, you are not listening. At the end of his rant, you may have changed your mind. When he feels listened to, he may feel like the fighting on his part doesn't need to be so intense. This way, you can both take it down a notch. Make it a one-month resolution. It's a good way to handle any fight collectively with major coolness. Calmness gives you the power, because you are in control of yourself. Also, during the fight, ask if this is something unimportant that you can just let him have. If it's a political debate, at the end, tell him he has a great point, and that you will look into it/think about it. If it's a matter of principle, state your stance firmly, but promise to consider it at the end. Don't bottle, because he won't. If you are upset, talk to him after the fight, after you have at least pretended to think over his position. THis is actually easier than it sounds. Just make your motto DON'T TALK and look him in the eye. Most arguments are just repetitions and are unnecessary to having someone understand your point. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Good luck. Be confident, bc it doesn't sound like you are at all close to losing him. He argues bc he is comfortable around you and cares what you think. It's not a bad sign, especially at this time in the relationship (one year). Don't try to get him to shut up by telling him you don't want to fight, just take the heat out of the fight at your end and the heat on his will cool with time. If he feels like you are hearing him without interruption, that will be good for you both. You are completely right about the seeing eachother every day thing. You need a day off. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Don't be dependent on each other. Tell him that you miss him too and you will see him the next day and leave it at that. If he presses, tell him that you think it's better for your relationship in the long run if you both want it to last.

Answer 2

I have the same problem with my b/f whom I've been with for the same time (1 year and 1 month...weird!). We live together so I see him everyday and even though I started working weekends now, the fights don't let up. Sometimes when we're fighting it's like we speak a different language, the communication is totally lost...I'll say something and he'll take it the wrong way, he says something and I take it the wrong way. The only thing I can say is that you have to be responsible for your own actions. You can't change him or what he does but you can try and work on yourself. It's important to fight fair, no name-calling or hitting below the belt or bringing up the past. If you're guilty of that make sure you put a stop to it. I'll be very interested in seeing what other answers you get because like I said, I'm dealing with the same thing!

Answer 3

Sit down and talk to him about it. Keep your voice level and calm, even when he shouts. If he loves you, he'll try to see how much the fighting hurts you and he'll want to stop. Maybe you guys can figure out the root of this problem, maybe there isn't a clear root. It's not uncommon for this to happen around the one year mark; it took my guy friend and his girl friend till a year and a half to fight like that, or at least it took that long for the fighting to escalate to the point where everyone else knew about it. Yo guys can pull through this, though, and your relationship will be as strong as ever.

Answer 4

i know exactly what you are going through. my boyfriend & i are going through the same thing but we have only been together for 7 months. i called him last night & talked to him about it & told him exactly how i felt about him & how i felt about the fighting & now everything is great. we couldn't be happier now. you might try that & if it doesn't work talk to him about how much u need him & how bad it would be if u lost him.

Answer 5

Write him a letter explaining how you feel. That way he has to hear (read) how you are feeling and he can't respond immediately he has to think about it. When he responds to your letter think before you speak. Maybe being at a year scares him and he doesn't realize he's being so snappy