did i make the right decision to put my foot down?

Question

my daughter is 23 years old and has a 3 year old child the problem is i have him more then i should the father has him for three days out of the week and i have him the rest unless she gets a day off sad part of it is the job is first and the child is second in her life i relize its important to work we all have to and she is a single mother been there done that myself but i think she can pull back just a bit on the overtime after having my grandson all week she called to ask me at 8pm tonight if i would take him overnight again becaues her work was short handed and i told her no she got nasty with me and said thanks alot ive always helped her but im raising my grandchild here ive put my life on hold becaues of it please im not a selfish person but she is wanting to much out of me its even got to the point the child doesnt want to go home with her or when his father picks him up he cries to stay with me talking to my daughter doesnt help she thinks im ganging up on her any advice

thank you everyone for you answers there all good ones to answer the question as to why my grandson crys when he has to leave is when my daughter does have him he is ignored and screamed at this is not the way she was raised so why does she do this to her child weve talked about this time and again when he is with me he is well tooken care of and loved the fact of the matter both of them didnt want this child in the first place she says she did but when she puts herself first i find it hard to believe does she abuse him i dont know he doesnt show it but trust me i watch her like a hawk and yes i have caught her screaming at him right in front of me and we get into it and the issue of the job again we all need to work but i think she uses the chance of the overtime to get away from the child

Answer 1

Put your foot down. Tell her how much you're willing to babysit and anything more then that she will have to hire a babysitter to cover. It's not your responsibility to raise her child. She should back off of the number of work hours and be a mother to her child. She could also consider having the father take the child when you can't. Just because they have an agreement saying each has the child so many days, doesn't mean they can't still help each other out at other times. They may not be together but they need to be adults and do what is best for their child. I've always believed regardless of what a custody agreement says, if one parents is unable to be with the child because of work, socializing, or whatever, then the child should have that time with the other parent rather than a babysitter. Parents need to start doing what is best for their child and put their own issues and feelings aside. If the other parent using her work against her is a concern then she needs to face the fact that she is working too much! I know she has a kid to support but there is more to support then financial.

Answer 2

Advice:
1. Set rules and boundaries up with your daughter. Tell her that you will babysit ONLY for certain hours and that's it.

2. Understand that if your daughter works in RETAIL that she will have to work overtime during the holiday hours - it is expected of you or you could be fired!

3. The sickest part of your "question" was stating that the baby cries and doesn't want to go home with its mother or father. The kid isn't crying because it prefers you over its own parents - the kid is crying because that's what 3 year olds do when their "situation" changes. If you take a 3 year old to Disneyland - he is going to cry when it is time to leave. If you take a kid to the beach - he is going to cry when it's time to leave. This is a normal reaction for a 3 year old.

4. Stop being a babysitting service if you can't handle it. Tell your daughter you can't handle having an infant so much because you aren't the young and agile person you once were. Tell her that she has tons of child care options that millions of parents use every week. It costs about $80 - $150 a week for childcare - and there's no reason why your daughter and the baby's dad can't each come up with $40 a piece to put the kid in daycare.

Answer 3

You are still a mother and you still have your own life to live. She has control of your life at this moment, and sadly you are allowing this.

Make a decision to change the situation. Tell her that you have decided that you will only look after her son from ?----to ---? and that from now on she will have to make other arrangements if she is working longer than the hours you stipulate. Stick to your guns.

My only question would be, why doesn't the child want to go home with her. Is there something going on there that you don't know about. I would find out if I were you, because you don't want to find out that your grandchild is afraid of her, or she is harsh with him or------. If your grandchild ever came to live with you permanently, except for the time he spends with his Dad, you would have better control of the situation because then you could arrange your life around certain hours with him, and then make other arrangements, like after school care.

Whatever you do, get your life back, but at the same time make sure, without telling your daughter that is what you are doing, make sure there is nothing wrong in her home.

Answer 4

I understand she needs the money to support her son, but it sounds as if she's pretty much neglecting him. Not to down grade your daughter or anything, but when I have a child they're always going to be my first priority, and I know working to make money is putting him first in a way, but not taking any time to spend time with him she is missing out on a lot. Does she care that she'll miss out on his first smile or laugh, or even the bigger things like his first steps or word? I know I would. You were not in the wrong for putting your foot down. You shouldn't have to take the role of his mother, that's not your responsibility. I don't know, she should at least make some effort to be a part of his life, because if she doesn't he will end up resenting her in the long run, even if she was trying to do it for his own good. I think at this point he just needs his mom.

Answer 5

Wow, you have got an awful situation going, perhaps you all need to talk! You have as much stake in the "custody agreement" as they do, it seems!

Yes, I think you did right to put your foot down. Not that it is an irreversible "no" to flexibility, but it's definitely time to put the brakes on that scene and ensure you don't start getting taken for granted!! You did your mama time.

It's one thing to need a job and perform it well. But that can slip into an excuse to get out of the house, be with adults, get paid, etc. as opposed to the more difficult job of mothering.
As one poster wrote, your daughter needs to put in her overtime when your grandson is with his dad.

The really troubling part of your post is that your grandson doesn't want to leave your house to be with either his mother or his father. There is always a certain amount of that to be expected, but I would watch that carefully. I would think that is not an age 3 characterisitc...?

Answer 6

Seems like you've got quite a problem! I won't exactly be answering from personal experiences, but from the way I see things, you really need to sit down with your daughter and the father of your grandchild and talk to them. Really talk to them about the situation and try to figure things out. They're the parents, and they need to realize that it is their responsibility to raise their child, not yours. Now granted, you obviously have no problem helping out here and there, but enough is enough. And by putting your foot down... it's not being selfish, trust me. You're doing this for your daughter and grandchild's sake. If this continues, your daughter will miss out on raising her son... and your grandson will miss out on sharing valuable memories with his mom. And if worse comes to worse, keep putting your foot down. Your daughter will learn the hard way... but trust me, she'll learn. Don't let her walk all over you.

Hope this helps!

Answer 7

I say give it time she'll grow to respect all of what you have done. My mother was a single mother and always depending on my grandma. My mom has become such a strong, wise, and confident person in time and sees how much my grams has done and can't believe how smart she was when it came to her advice. It will take a long time, but what you did was the right thing to do. When she finally gets the time to relax and observe everything about her life she'll notice how good it was that you did what you did! I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 8

I've got mixed emotions about this actually. First, its good that your watching him because shes working. I know a few single moms that have someone watch their kid all the time like that, but because they are out partying instead. She needs to give you more advanced notice though on when she needs you to watch the child, and maybe find a babysitter thats dedicated to this, rather than just taking advantage of a family member. Tough call when it involves family.

Answer 9

If she is REALLY working the times you have him, I'd think I'd be thrilled to have such a hard working daughter and so much time with your grandson. Is she doing all of this OT to make a better life for her son? Is she still married to the dad? More info on her situation might help to get better answers.

Answer 10

You didnt say what work she does or that she needs the money so that she absolutely must work. If she puts work before family just because she likes it that way, sad, and if she can change her working environment to be more at home, then she must. 3 year old kids is the time that should be as much as possible with parents.