Hello,
In order to gain respect it is vital that you have respect for yourself!
Right at this time you need to forget about being "best friends" or "pals" and focus your role on that of being the parent. You must trust that you and your husband have provided a solid foundation of values and morals.
Your daughter is old enough to work for spending money or for her clothes that she needs and one way that she could earn that money is by doing chores around home.
Personally, I would cut the bankroll! I am assuming that her dorm or living quarters, food, books, classes, tuition are paid for by her parent's. So, the money that you are giving out is done, in my opinion, because of your love for your daughter. ( We as parent's have a tendency to have made the monster by our love and not wanting our children to do without. It makes us feel good.)
My suggestion is to consider setting some boundaries. Privately talk with your daughter along with your husband so that she will see that there is a united front between her mother and father. Establish the guidelines that you want her to display when she comes home. No reason for arguing or debating. Treat her not as your daughter but as an adult and what you would expect from an adult that visits your home. Failure to comply results in the loss of the fringe benefits which to me are: spending money and clothes, etc.
The good news is that it won't be too much longer and your daughter will realize that mom and dad have been wonderful parents. Hang in there! BFN
2007-11-24 18:07:14
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answer #1
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answered by snookums 4
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You are her parents and while she lives in your house what you say goes. If she doesn't like your rules then she can leave. But let her know that if she choses the door, that all the financial assistance that your husband and yourself provide will stop. She has to understand that you are not made of money and that money does not grow on trees. Ask her to pay you back the next time she borrows a $20 and say that you request that she pays you back in trade, whether it be another $20 in return a few days later or her simply caring for her pets, or cleaning up her messes instead of you. If she will not stand to listen to you then cut off any further hand-outs. The next time she comes to you for extra cash, just tell her you don't have anything to give her. Even if she knows you are lying, its your money and your choice as to whether or not she gets any. I think I would encourage her to get a part-time job or start selling some stuff on ebay.
2007-11-25 02:11:07
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answer #2
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answered by SoAZ Gal 6
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You are looking for an easy way out. It's time to grow a back bone and become a mother and not a doormat. Treat her like an adult and she'll have no choice but to act like one. You're going to have to deal with a little bit of tension in order to get past this. You do not have to help her with anything you do not want to. She's 20 years old, and it's time she started acting like an adult. You cannot solve this without confrontation. Get over it, and face it. You need to reclaim a peaceful home environment again. Do yourself a favor, and have a backbone!
2007-11-25 02:00:41
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answer #3
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answered by *Honk Honk* 3
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Make her work for her money. Don't be the typical doormat mother. Realize that she will never learn how to live on her own and provide for herself and future family if she knows you will hand over anything she asks for or needs. I am 21 years old. I am married, a mother, my husband and I own our house and we just got a new car a few months ago. I work around 50 hours a week as does my husband. I think of myself as a mature and responsible adult. Your daughter really needs to mature and the way she can do that is if you both make her.
Realize that you doing this is for her future and her best interest.
2007-11-25 01:38:46
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answer #4
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answered by Megan 4
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It's unfortunate that u have to go thru this,but i must say you and ur husband hav not shown her any respect,by u doing everything for her and giving her, her every want did not help her nor did it help u, the only thing i see u doing is giving her some tough love, only supple her with exactly what she needs and if you can help it no CASH only give cash when absoultly nessessary(prepaid for card 4 month,prepaid gas card,etc.) as far as pets go either she takes them with her or take care of them herself, or bye bye pets sounds cruel but that's way it needs to be, a parent myself of a 18 yr old , i've done things a lot different than my parents, spoiling me did not help me at all as i became an adult and always thought they would be there it was a terrible lesson to learn rather quite embarising. there should be no arguements nor discussions ( after u ask it's either yes or no ) and trust me she will be asking for something. we as parents want to give our kids everything but in doin so, we tend to create MONSTERS. u and ur hubby pay rent/morgage,lights ,etc why should u feel strained in ur own home. u and ur hubby need to sit together and get really creative i sure u r going 2 shock ur self with what u come up with each child is different like taking the phone from mine didn't work cause she hates the phone. good luck ur in my prayers and please let me know how it works out again GOOD LUCK AND STAND UR GROUND DON'T GIVE IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2007-11-25 02:02:32
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answer #5
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answered by DaysE DukeS 3
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You should tell your daughter that if she doesn't start shaping up, you won't help support her. If that doesn't stop her, don't support her for about a month to show her what it's like in the real world. Eventually, she'll realize that she is an adult and she needs some responsibiltity. You have to show her that you will not always be there to give her free money. In fact, nobody will. And if that doesn't work, then you might have to just stop! Good luck!!!!
2007-11-25 01:40:12
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answer #6
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answered by schippygirl 1
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At 20 she should be supporting herself. She isn't because you do not require her to do so. She does not respect you because you give her everything she wants without giving you respect and you keep giving. What do expect. To get respect you must be worthy of it. Respect is earned. Break her plate. Stop buying her everything. Let her have a tantrum then send her packing. You are not doing her any favors. She is 20 but running out of time. If she doesn't grow up soon it will be too late.
2007-11-25 02:05:45
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answer #7
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answered by just me 7
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It sounds like she is a bit too spoiled. As a mom who's been there. STOP SPOILING HER. And expect the bottom to fall out when you do. I bet the family will want to help resolve that one. It is not your responsibility to spoil her. And you are not preparing her for the REAL world by doing so. My daughter has a way of finding others to cover her yet. But she is beginning to get the big picture and I can enjoy her more now.
2007-11-25 01:52:03
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answer #8
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answered by lulusbuggy 2
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Why the heck are you funding another able body in the house? Forget that she's your daughter, and start treating her like a grown adult. She's USING you. Stop giving the money. Its not hers. Inform her that if she is going to live with you now, its time she start paying rent. Next, if she can not do her part in keeping up YOUR house, to YOUR standard, then she will have to find another place to live. Quit being a pushover. YOU are the one at fault here. Shes not a kid anymore and you are still treating her like one, and then wondering where the respect went.
2007-11-25 01:46:17
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answer #9
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answered by averstar23 2
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tell her, "you're an adult now, and i'm not going to be able to support you forever. i'm happy to help, but you need to try to pull your own weight. get a part-time job, and when you do that, we can discuss how much you NEED from me. i will help you with needs only, now is the time for schooling, not splurging MY money on clothes and entertainment: that's money you need to earn for yourself."
i know it's difficult, but you're HURTING her by supporting her. she's not learning how to do anything by herself financially. i know a mom who pays for her daughter's apartment, schooling, and car, and STILL picks her up to take her to college. this girl's brother didn't know how to do his own laundry until he was in his mid to late 20s. do you want that to be your daughter?
if you want to help her out a little more, make a chore chart. it sounds childish, but i bet it'll work. maybe if she does the dishes, you'll give her $5. and if she does her own laundry and folds it, she'll get another $5. if she helps you go grocery shopping or make dinner or take care of the animals, give her more, or some other REASONABLE pay. then she'll learn that it's not that hard to earn your own money.
do it for the sake of your daughter. i PROMISE that she'll thank you for it later, as will the rest of your family when the fights stop.
2007-11-25 01:57:38
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answer #10
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answered by Anonymous
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