Is it wrong of me?

Question

My fiance' and I have been together nearly two years and engaged for a month, so he and I don't have any solid plans yet, but we're thinking a wedding in May '09. That would give us time to get things in order (finances, careers, etc). At that time I'll be 20, and he'll be 23. Well, everything was fantastic until tonight. His brother gave his girlfriend of less than six months an engagement ring and she's already made it clear that she wants to get married before Spring '09, so their wedding should be sometime in November '08. Is it wrong for me to be so upset by this? I feel like they've stolen my fiance' and my moment, that they cut in line. I don't cry, but I feel like crying. What should I do? His brother's fiancee' has always talked about how she wants to get married before she's thirty, but she's only 28, so she would still be withing her "time limit" if she married after my fiance' and me.

If I didn't know what love and marriage was about, I wouldn't be getting married. None of you know me well enough to know how mature I am, so keep your opinions on that to yourself. I merely asked if I were wrong to be upset.

I'm mainly upset since his mom keeps trying to have us push the date back from tenatively May 10, 2009 to 2 years or so for his brother and his fiancee's benefit.

Excuse me, I have never pitched a fit, and never will. To me others' happiness is important, and I would do nothing to make them feel unhappy or uncomfortable. I am entitled to my feelings, and I am upset. I'm sure all of you have been upset a time or two whether the situationw arranted the emotions or not.

Answer 1

My God, you all are lack a pack of angry wolves. Who are any of you to judge her maturity level? And who of you haven't been upset by something in your life? You all seem upset that she thinks the wedding is about her and her fiance'. Who's it supposed to be about?

I do think it was shotty of your future brother-in-law and his fiance' to makes plans as they did, but they deserve happiness too. Just be sure not to let this affect your relationship with them. I myself would be upset if this happened to me, but don't let it ruin your special day. You love him, and he loves you, so your day will be special no matter what.

Answer 2

First of all, congratulations to you and your fiance! You two are very lucky to have found each other so young. I do not think 20 and 23 is too young to get married if you are mature and committed to each other.

I don't think you should be hurt about your fiance's brother getting married before you (although I do understand why you don't like it). It is normal for older people to date a much shorter time before they decide they want to get engaged. After all, your fiance's brother and his bride-to-be have had ten more years than you have had of dating people and thinking about the qualities they are looking for in a spouse. It makes sense that in six months, they would know they had found "the one." Also, it makes sense that a slightly older couple would plan a shorter engagement. After all, they are probably a lot more established with their careers and finances. A year-long engagement is average for most couples. They weren't trying to steal your thunder; they were just proceeding with a normal timeline for people in their late twenties.

I do think it is smart that you and your fiance are planning a longer engagement. When you are young (in your teens or early twenties) it makes sense to want to be better established before you get married.

Think of it this way, if you must... in some sense, you will still be "beating" her. You will be married at 20 and she will not be married until 29!

Answer 3

Keep your date, tell his mom that you are not changing it as you got engaged first and set the date first.

Nov '08 and May '09 as wedding dates are not that close together.

They did NOT steal your moment though. You can be upset if you want, but why not just be HAPPY for them? Express your pleasure that they are engaged to be married and throw out your feelings that they "stole" your limelight (when there really is none to steal as you have been engaged for a month).

Tell his mom you are not changing the date. If you let her have you push back/forward the date, who knows what other demands she will have for you. Put your foot down now.

Answer 4

Well I can understand how you feel. But honestly let them have a their joy and go and celebrate their nuptials... And then they can come and enjoy your nuptials. It's not really about "stealing your thunder"..That statement would be more like if she's making a scene at your wedding or being a ***** about something. that's more stealing your thunder. You also have to understand something else to. women in their late 20's want to have children before age 35... and 28 is a good age to get married. your more settled, mature, and you know what you want out life. People in their early 20's change alot before age 28. So my advice is be the gracious young woman that you are. Help her plan, celebrate with her, and let her know you support her. And when it comes time to plan your wedding you can ask her for her help. I hope this helps you.. Good Luck.

Answer 5

You have every right to be upset. I know that the subject is a touchy one, with no etiquette set in stone but I had something similar happen to me. Although I tried not to let it bother me it did. I think that since you were engaged first it is your right to pick the date first. On the second hand, you are not getting married for almost two years. I understand that you are getting your lives in order and I commend you for that, but it sounds like your soon to be sister in law does not want to wait as long as you do to get married. Try to understand where she is coming from too. You have the right to be upset, but don't forget to look at the whole picture. She will be your sister, don't let this get in the way of family.

Answer 6

I can understand how it might feel like they stole your thunder.

Without knowing the other couple, I can't tell if they did so to be spiteful or if they simply want to get married at that time. I suspect the latter.

Generally, people don't plan their weddings around the weddings of others. I'm pretty sure they didn't give any thought at all to your wedding when they picked that date.

Go ahead and feel a bit miffed for a bit. Then let it go. It's not worth carrying around the resentment.

Answer 7

It seems to me that you are focusing on the thought that you will be upstaged by the wedding of another couple who are obviously older and more mature (hopefully) and probably more financially stable because of the age difference. Try to be glad for them as they enter into this marriage because they will be your in-laws for many years, and it would be great to start off with a good relationship. The important thing is that you are waiting until you feel you can take this step and be financially secure. No matter who marries first, both weddings deserve the support of friends and family and should not start with a rift in the family. Be happy for them and for the fact you are getting a wonderful husband. Best wishes!

Answer 8

Yes, you're wrong to feel badly, and no, they didn't cut in line in front of you guys. Because there IS NO LINE!! When my husband and I got engaged, we had been dating for a grand total of 3 weeks. We were married 6 months later, and will celebrate our 20th anniversary in January. We did this not so that I would be married before my sister got engaged (which we also knew was coming, because she had been dating her husband for 3 years) but because we both knew it was right for us. You need to be happy for them, and quit thinking only of yourself and how someone has stolen your limelight--because you didn't have it in the first place. I will tell you this, from many years of experience and seeing it in my friends (who are now divorced) being selfish is the root cause of most problems in a marriage. Your reaction here is VERY selfish. Quit thinking of yourself, and start thinking of others, starting off by welcoming your new sister in law into your family.

Edit: to Always K--this isn't the bride's family--it's the groom's family that's having 2 weddings. And having 1 wedding in November of 08 and then another in May of 09 isn't that huge of a deal--especially today since most brides and grooms wind up paying for their weddings themselves. The weddings will be about 7 months apart. I have 2 other sisters that are both getting married soon--1 in January of 08, and the other in April of 08. They're both thrilled for each other, our parents are thrilled for their 2 girls, sometimes there's more important things in life than worrying about how much money there is for a big, expensive wedding, and celebrating the fact that 2 people are willing to commit to marriage.

Answer 9

Your not wrong to be upset about them "stealing" your special day. And trying to make you move your wedding form them when you where engaged first is wrong. Frankly if it were me I would have my wedding on the day I want, and if anyone tries to stop me I'd take them off the list. But that might not agree with you. Don't worry though, nothing to be guilty about. your in the right.

Answer 10

ehh i wouldn't stress out too much about it. It could be worse..she could have chosen the same month as you..hell, even the same date! haha

Look at this as a blessing, you can learn from watching her plan the wedding and avoid making the mistakes shes made. ..but i wouldn't sweat it...you'll still have 6 months before your own wedding to bask in the spot light...just sit tight til then and start planning the wedding of your dreams!