My husband's mother "borrowed" his identity and now we are footing the bills-what to do?

Question

Long story made short-My husband found out that his mother borrowed his identity and opened two credit cards in his name without him knowing about this. We got a shock when he ran his credit report and found two cards he never even knew about that had gone to collection. He confronted her over the phone and she fessed up. We found out that to do anything about this legally that we would have to press charges against her-needless to say, he couldn't do that to his Mom. He did tell her if this ever happened again that she would not be a part of our lives EVER again. So, we are now stuck with the bill. I feel as though he should put her on some type of payment plan to make her realize her behavior will not be tolerated-he just wants to forget the whole incident. It isn't that we need the money back, it is the pain and grief she has caused that makes me feel as though she should have to do something to realize how much of an issue she has caused.
What would you do?

Answer 1

I feel bad for ya. That sucks. I would not take it sitting down, that's for sure. You let someone off the hook once (and that's what you're doing, btw), that opens a pandora's box of someone walking ALL over you. I had to set limits with people in my life by not talking to them at all. If she were a reasonable person, I'd sit her down and explain how you feel about what she did and that she should somehow pay you back for it. Make an affordable arrangement. If she doesn't walk all over you and your husband money wise, there are other ways people can make you their chump. I got walked all over for years before I learned better. You HAVE to set boundaries. Also, if you don't talk to her about it, a grudge could grow too. That would take a toll on your relationship with your mother-in-law, and ultimately on your husband in the long run. You need to have closure to the issue, and if I were in her shoes, I'd be embarrassed. Talking through it honestly could help you all grow closer ultimately. No one is perfect, so at some point it'll help you forgive to work with her. If she doesn't work with you, BLOW HER OFF. Don't associate negative behavior with positive reinforcement. Good luck.

Answer 2

That totally sucks. But it doesn't matter what I think. And even though it affects you by bringing down the family credit options, it doesn't really matter what you think. It was your husband's identity she took and it matters what he's willing to do.

If he won't turn her in and would rather pay the money off himself and not have her pay in anything then that's his decision. From that point, I personally would be making sure that most of the money came out of his wants rather than from family wants. Because it was *his* choice.

And I'd highly urge him to get enrolled with a credit watch company because if his mother did this once and got away scott free she's more likely to try it again. A lot of times the need to overspend is a compulsion the person can not stop without lots of help what it takes to make them see that is often hitting rock bottom.

Answer 3

I think it would be best to press charges. She needs to learn her lesson. You shouldn't be stuck with the bill and the bad credit. Actually, I like the idea of his mom being put on a repayment plan, but I don't know how you would enforce it.
On the other hand, if your husband is so irresponsible that he lets his mom do this and doesn't press charges, I guess he earned the bad credit honestly.
That's my opinion, but I don't mean to make trouble between you and your husband. If he won't do it, and you want to stay married and you and any kids are not suffering too much as a result, you have to let it go, I guess. This is big, but not the end of the world.

Answer 4

I really feel, in a way, your husband had done the correct thing, since it isn't an issue of needing the money so badly, but if it really bothers you and you feel you need to talk to him about it; just ask him this. How would he have reacted if this had been your mother that had done this to you and you were left footing the bill? See if he can put him-self into your shoes. I believe he will then empathize with how you feel, and in return, it will give you much closure to to this issue. I also feel that verbal, and physical empathy is a great tool for healing in a relationship. Sometime if we only acknowledge our partners pain in any issue, it seems to make it easier for that person, and even begins a healing process. But one last thing, as I said before, I do feel you are a very strong woman, by doing the right thing in letting him have complete control over this situation, because you don't want it to bring any harder feelings between you, your mother-in-law, and husband, than it already has. I hope this helps you.

Answer 5

I totally agree with how you feel about with how you simply put it at the end about doing something to realize what she was wrong i feel the same way about alot of things and i think she should be put on a payment plan an taught a lesson people think i do things just to be mean but i think it should be dealt with that way sometimes just to show it will NOT be "tolerated" if you don't do things to show that then the people think it's ok so they continue to do these things even if it isn't to you they doit to others and it's rediculous,but it is understandable for him to want to forget about it cause it's his mother,we all seem to be soft when it comes to family sometimes people need to realize family will screw you over just like any other person would,i'm sorry you feel this way even if you don't think it's a good choice of him just forgetting about it please try and be understanding that it is his mother cause if not it will just cause alot of arguements between you and him but i still think you should let him know that this better not happen all the time and you won't stand for it

Answer 6

In the USA, it is traditional for the attendant to pay their own costs: dress, shoes, transportation, etc. The only thing provided are the flowers she will carry. And possibly the jewelry she wears might be the gift from the bride, but not necessarily. The bridesmaids also pay for their own hair and nails and may be expected to give a shower, attend others, attend engagement parties, and give a batchelorette party. And some or all of these events involve buying gifts. Up to you if you want to pay, it is your daughter, if you wish her to decline the honor, of course you may. Unfortunately, most bridesmaids dresses are not appropriate to wear elsewhere, and might be hard to sell, since they go out of style quickly [this year's colors are not next year's colors]. Sometimes someone will buy the dress, and use the fabric in it to make something else, but they buy at a fraction of the cost of the dress. You could always give it to charity, and claim it on your income tax, or use it for a trick or treat costume [or part of one] later.

Answer 7

i would say that is unexeptible and make her pay for it. parents are saposed to by for their childrens fonds, not the other way around. also tell her how dissapointed you are in her and after you press charges, take her out of your life forever. what she did is unfrogivible, but it will be hard on your husband, whatever he ends up doing, get him a tharipest. you are a good person for asking for advice instead of acting out irrationaly, but what she did is just not right. i am so sorry you have to deal with this, and if you find you are in pain, you may need a tharipest too. i am only 13, but i am mature enough to understand how hard this must be for you two. if you ever need to talk to me, than my email is [e-mail] (i know it my email address is stupid, but i made it when i was 5 and i thought it sounded cool at the time.)

Answer 8

You need to get on one of those credit monitoring services so you can watch all of this.

Talk to the credit card companies and tell them what happened... that your identity was stolen and that you did not open these accounts. The mother's identity does not matter... it is still identity theft. The credit card companies can scope out who did it and prosecute her directly.

You also need to get her to pay for those credit cards... at least take her to small claims court. You should not be stuck with her bills.

Answer 9

completely unacceptable!!! If you don't want it to come between you and your husband, then you may have to let it go and put it behind you like he is wanting to do. I am not saying it is the right thing to do, I am just saying not to let it ruin your marriage. If I where in your shoes, I would tell my husband that I would stand behind him all the way, it is his Mom. If it were my Mom that did this, I wouldn't want to put her in jail either! I would be hurt and mad as hell, but I wouldn't want her to go to jail! Undoubtedly she has some kind of issues and needs help. Just tell him, I am with you baby, and I will not let this come between the two of us. If it does happen again, you will have to choose me, by doing something about it or her, by letting her get away with it, which I can't accept again! Good Luck, it has to be a hard spot you are in! I just wouldn't let it ruin my marriage! Especially if I didn't really need the money!! My marriage is priceless to me!!!!

Answer 10

First off, have your mother go to the credit card company and fess up. If you don't your credit rating will be shot to hell. Yes, they may press charges for fraud, but you can offer to not press charges. But that cash HAS to be paid. If the items she bought are returnable, return them, and for items like food, or gas, have her foot the bill. If the cash gets repaid, then they won't press charges. But if not, then that's like stealing from the credit card companies, and they can press charges for grand larceny and fraud. That won't go over too well. Good luck, and I hope your credit doesn't get bombed like Hiroshima.