Can you truly overcome abandonment?

Question

My father has been gone for 16 years. I don't blame my father for leaving, for I know that he had many problems and obstacles to overcome however, I can't say that it has not affected me. As a matter of fact, it affects me everyday. I choke relationships and constantly feel unwanted or feel like I have go the extra mile for people to like me. In reality, people rarely dislike me and i'm always being told that i am a strong person and that it seems like the abandonment has no affect on me. Recently I feel like that I have been tricking myself into feeling like it doesn't bother me. I feel like this is the root of all of my problems. My Mother shut down due to this and following abusive husbands/boyfriends and was rarely able to be there for me. I got into a lot of trouble as a kid. I tried to self medicate with sex. I'm now a father to three sons at 24 and will never leave them. I overcame a lot and am about to graduate college but, can I truly ever overcome the abandonment? how? when?

Answer 1

I am so sorry this happened to you. God gives all of his creation free choice and it is not His fault that people in our lives chose to make selfish choices that had a negative impact on us. The good thing is that God is there to lean on when those around us let us down. I too have been searching for a way to heal a broken heart due to neglect, abandonment and abuse. Father heal this young man's heart, help him to lean on you and find the peace, joy and love that only you can give. Forgive us all when we fail you and help us to be ready when you come as spoken of in Thessalonians. Thank you Father, In Jesus name...
I asked a similar question and the answer worshipful heart gave was so good and cut through years of therapy in one paragraph. Let me share it with you as I have her permission
ASKER: I know that we are "Fearfully and wonderfully made". Are there any other ways of recovering from the lies
told and shown to us as children by those in Satan's service; that we are worthess, don't measure up, no good...and all the other negatives that keep us from becoming who God wants us to be. On an intellectual level we know, but, it is the heart level that needs repair. Mmm
.
Best Answer by Worshipful heart
Forgiveness- forgiveness is the key.
When we are able to recognize those that hurt us did so because they were hurt and hurting, forgive them and do not hold their sin against them, leave the lies and false reports at the cross for God to deal with- then we are more easily able to receive what God has told us about who we are.

Another way of looking at things is recognizing that unforgiveness is idolotry.
When you receive and believe what another person has told you about yourself rather than what God has told you about yourself- you are putting that person in the place of God, giving them the authority to define who you are which in turn affects your choices, emotions and reactions. Take that person out of that place of authority, repent for receiving their report over God's report, forgive them for their sin and daily ask God to remind you who you are in Jesus . Take captive every thought that would rebel against what God says, bring it into the obedience of Christ Jesus and walk in it.
When you have truly forgiven the offender, YOU are free . . .FREE. . . free from their sin that has held you in bondage for so long!

† Heaven Bound Prayer Warrior †

"Look up for your redemption draweth nigh". Mmm

Answer 2

It sounds as if you really have overcome it. You are a responsible adult, you will never leave your children, etc. You have truly shown that you are strong enough to overcome this.

But it does not sound as if you FEEL as strong or as powerful as capable or as lovable as you clearly are. That is the problem. For that you need counseling. There is nothing wrong or "weak" in this, though some will try to tell you otherwise. Admiting you need help and getting it is a sign of a strong person. Please do seek a good therapist, one who is experienced with abandonment issues, and probably a man because of the type of issue this is. You probably have access to a few free counseling sessions through your college, and I urge you to start there. They probably will not be able to take you all the way that you need to go, but they will be able to give you a start and can recommend someone in the community who will be able to help.

If people are telling you that you need to "get over" this and just not think about it anymore, then they are wrong. This is something you do not get over completely, because it was a big loss. People don't truly get over things like this, they simply incorporate this into who they are, get help to realize what a valuable and lovable person they truly are (not necessarily professional help, but that is the easiest way), and move past this trauma to become a healthy adult.

It sounds as if you already are a lot of the way there, but you just don't believe it. Hang in there and get help and you will be all of the way there.

Oh, and one more thing, go ahead and blame your father. If you were in his situation, you wouldn't have left, would you? And if you don't blame your father, you will continue blaming yourself, at least subconsciously. He was an adult and you were a child. He was responsible, not you.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 3

Of course you can. Thousands of others have done so, then why not you. You are an individual, a unique person, you have the free will to make your own choices, and create your own life..

No matter has happened to you in the past, you can choose to put it behind you. Do not let what happend, ruin the rest of your life. You say "can I truly evern overcome the abondonment?" YES YOU CAN. Put it behind you. You have three sons and it is according to what kind of father YOU ARE as to what they are going to be like when THEY are your age. You can turn this all around, by choosing to be the best you can be. Why let somebody, who hasn't been in your life for 16 years, ruin the rest of your life. Does that even make sense. Whatever you are going through, you are choosing to go through. Choose another way. My children were a delight to me and I did everything I could to give them a good life. There is your solution. Concentrate on your sons, these three little boys that need you. Forget that man that left you. Blood doesn't make a father or mother you know, it is what you do for your child and how you love them and look after them as they are growing.

The time that they are small, is but a fleeting moment, and don't that pass you by. Choose to live in the now, do that today. You are graduating college. That is wonderful. Now do you have a dream. Then work towards tjat drea,/ You are young enough to have any dream you like. Walt Disney was 44 years of age when he started his dream. Whatever you do, remember, you have the most important job in the world, being a father. I am sure you do not want to blow it like Your father did. These boys of yours could look back and be so thankful that they had a Dad like you. Make something of yourself and you will have learned a valuable lesson. That we are all unique and all have certain talents, and can always fulfill a dream, if we have one.

Answer 4

The only way I was able to overcome it was with the Lord's help. I was abandoned by my parents when I was 17 years old. I had no place to live when my mother locked me out of the house, so I was forced to support myself through highschool living in an attic in a boarding house. My dad and her were divorced at the time, but he was very abusive to me, so I could not live with him.

I made a lot of wrong choices over the ensuing years which resulted in two failed marriages, and deep down I always blamed my parents for the path I was taking. One day, while reading my Bible, I came across a passage in Psalm that changed my life - Psalm 27:10: "When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up." It felt to me like He was talking directly to Virginia, that no matter what my parents had done, He had not abandoned me. It was then that I truly experienced God's love for me, and because of that I was able to forgive my parents. In the years since that day, both of my parents were saved and are now with the Lord. I can't tell you what peace I have in my heart now.

I pray you will have this same peace in your life too! God bless you!!!

Answer 5

once you are abandoned that unfortunately leaves a permanent scar ...I dunno if you can blame your actions on this dilemma but certainly the lack of neither parents guidance plays major roles...we cannot change the past nor can we ever truly reach perfection ...and often times our striving to might lead to not only a quick way to the looney bin but left with grave disappointment ...counseling can be a great relief ...in learning to accept and let go of the unfulfilled feeling of nurture and love you crave and very much, as we all deserve....the other thing is more powerful and for me as an abused victim myself...(abandonment is abuse however justified ) is to count the small blessings ...and look around at all the others so less fortunate than myself ...remembering the story on the person that thought himself so poor that he did not have any shoes...until the day he met the man with no legs...so many of cry over the things we do not have never bothering to be ever so grateful for the things we already process...its not too far a climb left up that mountain my friend...but do not forget to turn around every once and awhile a soak in the beauty of gods sweet devotion ...and take a deep breathe and be grateful of your achievement in the pursuit...but behold ...when you least expect it ...you will find another trapped , lost and possibly hurt trying to make the same journey up ...reach out your hand and you will find your strength is there and not one step bestowed upon you however despairing would be counted as a loss...best of love and luck to you ....YOUR FAMILY...ACHIEVEMENTS...and most importantly of all gratitude....

Answer 6

I am 34 and no, you do not get over it. You will always look for that father figure. My father left when I was 6. I have seen him a few times since but never any real contact. I have 2 kids and also I have sole custody of them. I believe my father not being there has made me a better father for my kids. I know I do not want to be like him.

Answer 7

I suffered from the same insecurity... I was told to pray that this fear would leave me. I thought, I have nothing to lose, so why not. I prayed, learned to lean on the one who is always there for me. And all of a sudden "poof" the insecurity of being left was gone. I came to realize that some ppl are meant to be here for a reason, others only a season! I truly love those who are my friends. If they ever leave, it won't be because they no longer cared. It's because "life" has a different course in our path for the time being... Never stop loving... The heart has to have it!

Answer 8

Truthfully, I don't think you can fully overcome. You can make your life different; and you are doing that. My father was a stranger. My son's father, abandoned too..I think it is harder when it the same sex parent is gone. My bro, took it much harder than I.

Even tho, I wasn't much closer to my mother, she did take care of us. To me, the absence, speaks for itself. The parent, that stays, takes a lot of the heat. I, too, vowed to make a difference when raising my son. He gets along with everyone, too..and I know he's had his troubled times with the abandonment issue.

I see it as good that someone that does not wish to be somewhere isn't....and we carry on the best way we know. Live fully....that's the best way..be happy and smile. You can make totally different and healthier choices.

Answer 9

Wow my story and your story are almost exactly the same but I am a female. You made me realize why I am the way I am. I am the same way. I struggle to keep relationships(friendships), i doubt people really want to be around me and try so hard to hold on to those I have already, etc. Yea I think it really cripples life for us. Thank God I have a Husband who has been my world and my rock. If I didn't have him I would probably be in a big world of hurt. Who is in your life who you can count on? I think you can overcome abandonment but you need to understand that who you are today is because of what happened in the past, it doesn't have to rule you but you have to understand yourself and when you have a weak moment don't feel defeated just realize most people are super ego centric and turn their backs quickly. I cut the people out of my life who don't really care about me. I don't feel there is any reason for them to be in my life because they bring only pain and feelings of self doubt that my father brought to me as a child. It's important to weed out friendships or people who don't reciprocate what you give them. Congratulations and best of luck after graduation! I don't know when you will overcome your feeling of abandonment but you can heal the more you focus on yourself and bettering yourself everyday,but most important surround yourself around those who love you and want to be around you as much as you want to be around them. Take care!

Answer 10

Yes,you can.It only takes you to realize the problems and forgive them all being human.Sounds silly I know.Its only human nature at its worse,but it sounds like you are a fabulous,responsible young adult so give yourself credit for your accomplishments,profit from the mistakes you see around you and be happy that's all any of us can do in the end of it,except have God in their lives.Just let go of it,you no longer need it.Be happy and God bless you!