I'm feeling like a bad mom. My son is learning (I hope) how to go to sleep alone. He co-slept as an infant and

Question

we were happy with that. I breast fed and had surgery complications, so it really worked out well. We had him sleeping in a toddler bed, but it didn't go well because he's a very active sleeper (like dad). He'd go to sleep and roll over and hit his arm on the side of the bed and hurt himself and want Mommy and Daddy. SO, I got him a full-sized bed. Daddy and I have been lying down with him at night until he goes to sleep. This works well, but he turned 2 last month and I think he should be starting to sleep alone. I've been putting him to bed alone on the nights when dad is not here (Dad's the enabler). But he cries on and off for about 30 mintues. It isn't an all-out cry or a constant cry, but it is killing me inside. He basically goes Wahh! Wahh! for about 10 seconds then stops. I haven't been going in unless he cries for a few minutes non-stop. I really don't believe in the whole cry-it-out method, letting them go on and on. I worry about abandonment issues. What do you think?

I have a vaporizer that bubbles and looks like an aquarium. He still wants a bottle sometimes at night so if he asks I give him one and then I rub his head and give him kisses. We have a BIG nighttime routine: bath, lights dim, cuddles, books, off to bed. The nursery is off of the master br so he's literally 15 feet from me. I just can't see him for the wall.

The vaporizer is lit, plus, I usually have a reading light on in my room. I study after he goes to bed. I have to be careful about going into his room. Sometimes, he wakes up I walk in there to check on him. I guess he's a light sleeper like mom. :)

I have stopped getting in bed with him. I'm trying to get Dad to go along with me and he is willing, but my son acts COMPLETELY different when dad is home. He screams like he is being killed, won't stay in bed and generally makes my tired hus so miserable, he'd give him his bass boat if he'd lie down and be quiet. When Daddy is at work or gone hunting, he's an angel most of the time.

Answer 1

My son is exactly the same way, he will have a hard time going to sleep on his own, in his own bed unless he felt mommy or daddy laying beside hime while he fell asleep. If we were not there he would do the whole pity cry lol. It is very heartbreaking to hear, but you have to realize that he is in no pain, just not used to the fact of sleeping alone. What helped for us is that we got a long body pillow and when he went to bed we would put the body pillow on his side, and played soft gentle music. That way he felt as though someone was beside him, and the music kept his mind off of being alone. Now trust me it didnt work great at first, but it started working well after about three weeks of us doing it, and it working for one night and not the other. Just gotta keep at it, and dont give up!

Answer 2

Part of the problem here is that you are only putting him to bed alone when dad isn't home. The baby knows that *sometimes* crying gets him what he wants...mom and dad have to do this together and have a united front on the issue so that the baby has consistancy at bedtime. One thing you can do is instead of getting in the bed with him, is just sit in a chair in the room. Reassure him with your voice when he cries, and lead him wordlessly back to bed if he gets up. It will take time and patience (and dad on your side) but it can be done. Good luck.

Answer 3

I think what you are doing is fine. It is a little power issue. Letting him cry for a few minutes won't hurt, I know most parents disagree but I did it with mine and they are fine.
When you first put him down why don't you try reading to him or singing a couple of gentle songs so he relaxes a bit first and doesn't feel abandoned or just dumped (I am not saying you do dump him just he might feel it).
Each time he cries let him cry a little longer then before. For instance go in after 1 minute of crying. Settle him then leave. Go in after 2 minutes of crying, settle and leave. and so on.
Resettling him should take minimal attention and talking. Quickly say lay down,it's sleep time, then leave.
The more attention you give when settling the longer it will take him.
Hope this helps but it sounds like you are already doing a great job.

Answer 4

Every single person out there has to deal with sleeping on their own at some point. Don't feel bad for him. He's lucky his mom and dad love him so much. I think you're right to make him sleep on his own.

I stopped letting my son get into my bed at about the same age. I was COMPLETLY determined and never let him sway me. He whined and cried for a long while for the first three nights. After that, no more.

Answer 5

He won't develop abandonment issues...don't worry about that.

Try establishing a pretty standard bedtime routine...bath, PJs, stories...a wind-down...try getting him a special big boy blanket or stuffed animal to help him feel secure...put a nightlight in his room if he wants...talk it up and help him get excited about going to bed in his big bed all by himself.

You can even try the 'Supernanny' technique of sitting in the room, without talking to him or making eye contact, while he falls asleep. Each night you get closer to the door, until he's able to fall asleep on his own. At the final stages, you'd sit outside the door...then not at all. This gradual withdrawl seems to help with some kids.

It will have its ups and downs, but you're already seeing progress, so keep it up, you're doing just fine.

Answer 6

I personally don't think a child is going to have abandonment issues if he's left to cry for a few minutes every now and then. Abandonment issues are going to arise from actually being abandoned. You always come back.

Anyway, as long as he knows that a cry will get you and dad to come back in, then he's going to continue to do it. You've just got to be strong and, believe me, it will be worth it when it's falling sleep faster and the crying stops altogether.

Answer 7

I also co-slept/sleep with my daughter. She just turned one and we are trying to get her to sleep well alone again. She was sleeping really well from about three till ten months. Then we visited my parents for a couple months to help out after surgery and she got back into sleeping with me. I'm not pro-cry but not totally anit-cry either. I think that you have to check on them because there may be a reason, but if you are sure there isn't then it will get easier over time. I would say you are ahead of the game if he will stay in his bed when you put him there. 30 minutes of crying doesn't seem that bad to me since its not solid scream crying. I'm sure you know the difference between his pain cry and regular cry. That should help, if you know that you will see a difference if he is in pain. If you want to try to break him of it slowly then first you and your husband need to get on the same page. Even one day of daddy laying in bed with him until he sleeps will make you start all over. Maybe you can start with talking to him about it during the evening, so he knows its coming. He is old enough to start understanding that. Then you can start by sitting in his bed with him until he falls asleep, then move to next to his bed, then in a chair in the same room, then maybe with the door open. Whatever steps work for you, and move at a pace that seems to work for you and him. Then when he hurts himself or has a cold or just wants you, you can go to him, and comfort him but don't get in bed with him. Maybe lay out his old crib mattress in your bedroom next to your bed, or just a blanket and pillow, so that when he gets scared at night or its a bad night you can let him sleep in your room, but not in your bed with you. I can remember as a child going into my parents room and sleeping next to their bed, it helped me and allowed them to get sleep. Maybe putting the crib mattress there wouldn't be a great idea because then he may be comfy there and not want to go back to his bed. You could also try getting him a new stuffed animal or something that will help him sleep. Remember that it took two years to get him to the point he is at, so don't expect anything to happen overnight. I had friends who layed down with their little girl when she was about two. They did the same thing you did, co-slept then layed with her when she was older. They did a little more of a cold turkey approach and it worked pretty well with her. They started after she slept at my house one night and when they asked how I got her to sleep I told them I just layed her down and told her I had some things I had to do and I would come back if she couldn't sleep, of course she fell right asleep for me. Isn't that how it always is though?! When they are with someone else...I do wish you good luck. Just remember that he loves you and you love him and you are doing what is best for the both of you!

Answer 8

Install a night light, in his room, and play soft calm soothing music. Make sure he's tired and then he should sleep fine.
You are NOT a bad mother! I only wish more mothers would do what you're doing.....:)

Answer 9

I think you are doing the right thing. He will eventually stop crying. If you ever seen the show "Super Nanny", you will see that she uses that method.

He will be OK. I don't think you're abandoning your child.

Answer 10

What he is going through is part of normal child development.
Because he is home with you all day he has got your attention whilst your husband is at work.
Found info to undertand and solutions this tantrum behaviour