We may be adopting a grandchild?

Question

My step son has a baby on the way, 12-25-07! The mother already has 2 babies aged 1 and 2.5 yrs. She was with my boy for a short time during her divorce from her babies father. Now she and her ex husband are back together and she is talking about putting this baby up for adoption. He ex husband doesnt want to raise it! She lives in Indiana we live in Ohio. Our son is heart broken. He doesnt have a pot to p!ss in or a window to throw it out. He is currently living with us. My husband has asked me how I would feel about adopting that baby. Truthfully is scares the you know what out of me. Our youngest is 18 and a senior in HS! If I agree to this I want it to be our baby, not a baby with strings attached! I dont want to have to ask the boy, get permission or explain ourselves for actions we take in raising the child. Is that too much to ask?

Has anyone else had this experiance?

My mother was adopted by her biological paternal aunt, and her bio father did not interfere

Thats what I'm worried about... if he gives it us to adopt.. he has no rights, other than to visit and such.

He has learning problems so the chances of him getting a decent job are bleak. We have thought he has a form of autism but he is in denial. He cant seem to hold onto a job.. even if it came with handles. We have tried, friends have helped get him hired, he always quits or gets fired. He has been diagnosed as ADD/ADHD but there are other factors in his behavior that dont add up to that diagnosis.

Thats the other thing that worries me.. the boy is not exactly the smartest or healthiest. Sometimes his dad and I wonder if he is a hypocondriac or if he really does have all these little health quirks and adverse reactions to medications.

I worry about genetics. The mother has only had 2 prenatal visits her entire pregnancy.. those were a few weeks ago, and only because she thought she was overdue!

Answer 1

How old is your son? If your youngest is 18, then he is not a minor and is not a "boy". What does he want? Does he want an adoption? This is his child - his decision. If he does not want an adoption and decides to parent, make it clear that you will hold him accountable for providing for and caring for his chilld. That you will be there to back him up but will not do the dirty work. If he does not want to parent and is willing to let you adopt his child, then you need define family roles and responsibilities very carefully to him. It is important to let him know that you are there to support whatever decision that he makes.

Have you looked into a grandparent kinship agreement with your son? Under the kinship agreement, his parental relationship is not severed, however, the grandparent make the day to day decisions about raising the child. Many grandparents use kinship agreements to get health insurance coverage for their grandchildren. The advantage is that there are no secrets and lies about the family relationships.

Regardless of how you decide to keep your grandchild in your family, it will take a lot of work on your part and is a life-style altering event. It is also a very rewarding decision and gives your grandchild the gift of staying with his/her genetic family and a stable home.

If the mother of your grandchild is considering adoption, you need to step in today and start proving that you are supporting her during the pregnancy. If she has already contacted an agency and agreed to an adoption, the agency lawyers are already a step ahead of you and are working to prove lack of support from your son to make termination of this parental rights easier. If you are supporting her pregnancy, document everything.

I wish you all of the best and admire you and your husband for caring about the new family member-to-be.

Answer 2

If I were in your shoes, I'd do it no matter how hard it is. If you don't do it, you'll spend the rest of your life thinking about that baby. Not to mention that this is probably the best solution for the poor innocent baby. But your son will have to give up his parental rights. You need to talk to him about that and make it clear. I'm sure you can get him to agree because it seems that he has no other choice and cannot take care of the baby on his own.

Edited:
I really like Lue's answer...
About setting boundaries and maintaining your role as a grandma though you will officially adopt the child and have all the legal rights ...

I just want to warn you that you may find yourself in a similar situation in the future with your son, or with your other children... and you'll be expected to step in and take the same action then....

Answer 3

Would your son still be living with you if you adopt the baby? If so, then this could really complicate things, as he will be expected to act as the child's older brother rather then father, and not "interfere". It may be difficult for your son and confusing for the child. Does your son want you to adopt the baby?

If both your son and the mother agree, and you truely desire to adopt this baby, then it could be a very good situation for the child. I do encourage you to make sure that your motives are out of the desire to raise, love, and nurture a young child again, and not out of obligation.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I know a few people who were raised/ adopted by family members who didn't really want to be parents again, and were just trying to "do the right thing". They never really felt like they were the "child" of the family members who raised them. On the other hand, I have a cousin who was raised by grandparents who adored him, and were thrilled at the idea of adopting their grandson, and the situation has been good for him.

Answer 4

Im adopted by my grandparents. You are in the exact same situation that my grandparents were in. before they adopted me, I wasnt living in the best conditions and I already spent a ton of time at their house so they just decided to adopt me. Everything has worked out wonderfully. I see my birth dad weekly and I dont know anything about my birth mom but thats because she ran away. If you adopting that child is going to give them a better life then go for it! Who better to raise the kid than a family member who is sure to love that child like crazy. When my g-parents adopted me, they had a son who was also a senior in hs, but everything has worked out great! It sounds like you already love this child as if he were your own, you should go ahead with the adoption! good luck!

Answer 5

If you can do it! In my opinion it is much better for a child to be raised by their extended family than to take a chance on a stranger. Just be sure that you cover your a** legally as far as the mom and her husband. Plus there could be issues with who she has to claim to be the father. In Michigan you are required to put your husbands name on the birth certificate if you have been divorced less than 6 months. Good Luck! I hope it turns out well for you and your grandchild.
Other option, help your son raise the child. Give him the chance to be a good father to his child as opposed to being a brother.

Edited
Well that does change things. If you can not take care of the child there is really no chance of him proving for his son.
But the fact remains he will always be the child's father. That will likely cause issues in the future. And that is a fact that should never be kept from the child.
Have you talked to the mom? Is she open to you and your husband adopting?

Answer 6

In New Jersey, there is assistance through a program called "Kinship Navigator". Also, if your great-grandchild is taken into DYFS custody and you become a relative care provider, you will receive a monthly subsidy and clothing allowance. This subsidy would continue if you took what is called, Kinship Legal Guardianship or KLG. If you are not in New Jersey, contact your local AARP chapter. They have a lot of information about grandparents raising grand and great-grand children and will be familiar with programs in your state.

Answer 7

I am an adopted child by my grandparents and you dont have to explain your parenting to anyone. i am also an adoptive parent, the best thing my grandmother did was not change her role on who she was but explained the truth and no secrets. Even though she was my grandmother and she adopted me she was still grandma and she laid the law down. she told me it was no differant than raising her wn children and didnt make the other grandchildren feel like i was better. my best advice is to set boundries from the very begining! you are the one responsable so you are the one who will be setting the rules. but also remember openess and honesty is a;ways best in the long run. many prayers to you and your family.

Also, try to keep a positive relationship with birthmom now! No matter what, i know its hard.

Answer 8

Does your step-son want to give up his rights? Can he go back to school to get a better job in order to provide for his child? If he allows the adoption to take place he would have to understand that it is for good, not just until he gets his life together.

Answer 9

You better step up right now. Once that child is placed, you will never see that child again. Becareful. The mother might jump states. Make sure you make you feelings very very well known.