Why are so many people against adoption? The trust and abandonment issues that can arise in adoptees also?

Question

arise in people who were raised by their birth parents. There are bad parents period. I've known adopted children with and without problems. I've known non-adopted children with and without problems. It's not adoption that's the problem, but the parents raising the child. that includes parents who gave birth to the child.

So for those of you against adoption, would you rather have a single mother on welfare raising her child in poverty? Would you rather she chose abortion?

Adoption today is very different than it was 10, 20+ years ago. I hope you also understand that adoptees aren't the only ones who have trust and abandonment issues too. It can happen to people raised by their birth parents as well.

I'm not saying people who think reform and open records are against adoption. I'm asking why people like answers #2 & 3 who are (openly and admittly) against adoption are against it. Answerer 2 gave links and answers, although I don't agree, it was an answer, which is what I wanted. But I have no clue why Answerer 3 feels the way she does.

Answer 1

To quote Elizabeth:
"Abortion is a far better choice than adoption."

Why don't I see any of the adoption reform Mafia responding to this? Would you all rather be dead than alive and adopted? Unbelievable. I am not anti-abortion, but I just can't see why someone would say what Elizabeth said. If a person truly feels that he or she would have been better off aborted than adopted, why hasn't he or she committed suicide? NOT that I am advocating suicide by any stretch of the imagination! I just find it interesting that so many of you post about how awful adoption is, etc., etc. but no one even gives Elizabeth a thumbs down for saying such a hateful thing. If that's her opinion, fine. But do the rest of you truly believe a person is better off never having had a chance to live than to have been separated from his or her birth family? Come on.

Yes, some adopted people feel tremendous loss after separation from their birth families. Do all adoptees feel this? No. I don't believe any one group of people who share a characteristic (adopted, blonde hair, abusive parents, live in Detroit, etc.) EVER feel exactly the same way.

Answer 2

I don't think most people are aginst adoption that's why

Answer 3

I am not against adoption, but I do think it should be a last resort.

Yes, I would rather a mom take welfare and raise her child than give it away, I did this for a few years when I was at University, and finishing my education while raising my child.

Adoption is still about separating moms and their children, I am not sure why you think it is different now.

You are right their are good parents and bad parents both adoptive and non-adoptive, but I think the very act of adopting is damaging to the child. Not to say I would rather children be abused, and not that adoption isn't ultimately in certain cases still in the child's best interest. I think those cases are very rare though, and the issues stemming from adoption very real.

So no, I am not against adoption, but only when it is a last resort to avoid abuse.

Not if it is done to give the child "more" because I don't believe it does, people shouldn't lose their mom to gain a swimming pool.


eta: Sorry if I wasnt clear, I am pro-family preservation because adoption caused great deal of harm in my life, and in the lives of every adoptee I know in real life. Even though I really do love my adoptive parents.

Answer 4

A single mother on welfare raising her child in poverty, if she were an empathetic and nurturing parent, would have been preferable to many well-monied but physically and/or emotionally abusive adoptive parents (whether the abuse was intentional or not).

As I have said before, adoptive parenting should be held to a much higher standard because it is "parenting plus." It is not the same as raising one's biological children. Adopted children have been traumatized. Adoption-ignorant people cannot do that job properly.

Adoption today is NOT different than it was 10, 20+ years ago. Adoptees are speaking up, and they are saying they have suffered from the same issues as adoptees from 10, 20, 30, 40, and 50+ years ago. Adoptive parents claimed adoption was different in those days, too. Unfortunately, it wasn't.

It isn't.

Yes, many people who were raised in intact families suffer trust and abandonment issues because of how westerners raise children. But there is a difference between them and adopted people - adopted children came to the situation already traumatized. It's a double-whammy for adopted people.

The two situations are simply not comparable. I find the point you are trying to make extremely dismissive regarding issues that are unique to many adoptees.

Answer 5

I don't believe that people are "against" adoption but rather want to see the reforms that "Healing" refers to in her answer. Also, those who appear to be "against" adoption have had some type of negative experience with it. I must admit, that although I am 110% for adoption because of the difference I've seen it make in so many lives, I can understand why some people who were taken advantage of during the process would be against it.

I agree that adoption is much different than it was 10 - 20+ years ago. I've seen that firsthand between the differences when my cousins were placed into foster homes 30 years ago and my son's own situation. But the truth remains that there is still a lot of reform and support that is needed for all involved - the birth family (not just the parents in some cases), the child (or children) and the adoptive family.

Answer 6

It is too bad you used numbers instead of names to refer to answers because I think that the order of answers sometimes changes with time and I sure don't understand what you are saying about those 3 answers.

Anyway, to answer your question, your question would not even come up if only we taught our children about sex in a serious manner. Just say no is NOT serious. Of course we would have to get serious about life first. Meaning we need to face reality: teenagers will most probably have sex. Get over it and teach them how to protect themselves. And if it means putting your girls on the pill, then do just that.

Sorry girls but boys are idiots and will always try to get out of using a rubber or, if a pill for males is ever invented, they will probably not take it. So it is up to you.

I don't care if you're religious or have a problem talking about sex. Religion is never going to keep a girl from getting pregnant if she's having sex and signing a pledge not to have sex has so far only kept a few girls from doing it. And if you're not comfortable talking about sex with your kids, get over it. You'll just be one among many of us. But think about how comfortable you'll feel when your daughter tells you she's pregnant or when your boy tells you his girlfriend is pregnant.

Just compare pregnancy rates here and in western Europe. They have serious sex ed and easily available protection. They also have serious books available for those parents who are not comfortable talking to their kids.
End result = way less unwanted pregnancies which also means way fewer adoption problems.

Answer 7

So, if I understand you correctly, because other people have problems, then adoptees shouldn't speak up about their problems?

That sounds a little like asking why people support cancer research since people die of other things. Of course other people have abandonment issues. But that doesn't mean that we should ignore the abandonment issues of adoptees.

As for your question about welfare mothers and abortion, it has been asked, and answered, and asked, and answered, and asked, and answered, and asked... ad nauseam... You might want to do a little digging for the old discussions to see the responses to it.

And, finally, as A Healing Adoptee and Joy M have both pointed out, there are few people who are against adoption altogether. Many of us, though, think that adoption is sugar-coated and made to seem like a good first or second choice, rather than the last choice that it ought to be.

Answer 8

I don't know how many times i have to say this. In none of my answers have i ever said i'm aganist adoption. Most people here are not aganist adoption. I want adoption reforms!! Better screening of adoptive parents to the child is placed in a stable,loving and safe home. Better counseling for the birth mothers to ensure that they are comfortable with the descion they are about to make. I'm for open records for those adoptees that want to search for their birth families. I agree with you that adoption touches people in different ways and affects us in different ways. Just because i searched for my birth mother and i thought about her growing up, i'm for open records and better reforms in adoption. DOES NOT MAKE ME ANTI-ADOPTION OR ANYONE ELSE THAT IS IN FAVOR OF OPEN RECORDS OR SEARCHING FOR THEIR BIRTH FAMILIES.

Answer 9

I was adopted. In the past, before the eighties, many children were nearly confiscated through coercive measures by social workers who made a living off of adoption placements. Nobody wants to admit that it was wrong to make money a motivating factor in adoptions. Times are different. Adoption laws have changed. Teenage girls can keep their kids: it's socially acceptable and there is financial support available. Unwed motherhood is not easy and adoption is still a good option for some women but isn't popular. Birth control has also changed things.

It is the right of a mother to keep her child but I'm not buying that it is emotionally scarring to be adopted. If I have had problems it is more likely because of my mother's (adopted) controlling tendencies and constant anger at my father than adoption, no? Still, noone believes me about my adoptive mother and most believe that adoption is some injustice. It doesn't keep me up late at night. Verbal abuse is more serious than that. I am not buying the assumption that adoption is wrong but it is true that in the past the system went about adoption in the wrong way. The adoptive parents are not to blame for this and are mostly good parents because they are screened. Nobody's perfect and there are no guarantees, however. It does make sense to assume that if people wait five years to adopt a child, they probably really want a kid and will try harder, especially with the exacting standards imposed by adoption agencies and government regulation.

Looking is a personal choice. There are two sides to it and it may be Pandora's box or it may be a wonderful reunion but I doubt it is easy. I don't believe in looking if one's adoptive parents disapprove greatly. Open adoption is becoming more popular. It is a good option if somewhat awkward at first for everyone.

Answer 10

I'm not against adoption as an essential last resort

I am against adoption practices in the USA and I am against sealing birth certificates from the adult adoptees they belong to

And I hope you won't dismiss any issues your adoptee(s) have with adoption in the way you just have right here