We have been ousted by my in-laws, should we confront them?

Question

My husbands family did not even bother to invite us over for Thanksgiving this year, nor Easter. Now granted we did have a falling out with his step mothers children, and stated we will not attend any holiday when they are present. However they did not even bother to invite us. And to top it all off, we have a one year old, and they haven't seen her in nearly two months. They never invite us over, and when we invite them they make excuses. When we try to swing by they make excuses. As a result, my daughter is afraid of her Grandfather when she actually sees him. And I every day am starting to dislike the step part of the family more and more. Because I feel they are creating this wedge. What should we do? I so badly want to confront them about this, and let them know how terrible (atleast the biologcal grand dad) is for not even knowing his own grand daughter that lives maybe 20 mins away.

Someone mentioned it must be us. Well partially YES. However the wedge started when his Step brother didn't attend our wedding. And later this year (5 years later) found out it was because he thought he might tell my husband not to marry me. Every personal thing that my husband has shared with his Father in confidence, his step mother tells her children and that laugh about it. Many things have nothing to do with them. Do they dislike ME? Yes I know they do. He infact told my husband he hates me. I have been nothing but nice to these people. And finally lost it, and my Husband finally stuck up for me. I agree with the gentlemen who mentioned we should make time alone with the grand dad and her. We have tried. But he really doesn't make the time. My family tells me I shouldn't care because our daughter has them who love her so much. Someday when his Dad is REALLY old and has no relationship with his bilogical grandkids, he will regret all of this, and then it will be too late.

Answer 1

Screw them. Don't stress that. Let them do without and you continue to live on happily ever after.

Answer 2

You stated that you had a falling out with his step mothers children and state "we will not attend any holiday when they are present"

Now you are turning around and whining about they didn't invite you for thanksgiving. Does that many any sense to you?

There must be something more going on that they have turned against you and your family. I can only guess. One of you is a very negative, crumbly, self centered person and is always making remarks about some of the other side of the family. Instead of dealing with things in a positive way you dealt with everything in a negative angry way.

Turn the table, if you were them, would you want YOU at the thanksgiving dinner. I don't think so.

When your family has changed it's attitude and really DO feel sorry for your words and actions. Then pay them a visit, unannounced and tell them how truly sorry you are for the past and you would like to make it up to them

However, don't make that move until you have looked into your selves and honestly appraised your own thoughts and actions.

It is never too late to change your thinking. CHANGE YOUR THINKING CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

Answer 3

Maybe the step-family is dead wrong. I'm not debating that. Maybe they're creating a wedge. Then again maybe you are too. Maybe they know you don't like them. Maybe they don't like you. Dislike doesn't have to be stated, but it is most certainly felt. Maybe you'll never like one another. You can't make them like you if they don't and you can't make them do what is right, but you can do what's right for you and your daughter. It would be ideal if they liked you, but you have a family that loves you so really who cares if they don't.

That said it might go a long way to apologize to them for your behavior. Afterall you aren't entirely blamess. YOU had a falling out with the stepchildren then YOU told them you would not attend another holiday with them present. Then YOU decided you want back in and furthermore YOU have decided they should invite you. If I had someone have the gall to issue what was certainly an ultimatum like you did I wouldn't be to quick to invite them over either.

They likely owe you an apology too, but you may never get it. Spend the holdays with your family and drop by briefly with your husbands so your daughter can get a little time with the family and you can limit yours. Remember sometimes it's not about who's right, but what is right.

Above all your husband should stop telling them your problems. Find a clergy member or counselor you can vent to and who can truly listen without malice and bias to help you resolve the problems.

Answer 4

What did you think would happen when you told them you wouldn't attend any family function if your husbands step siblings were there? That is their mother, they have just as much of a right to be there as your husband. So if they are coming then of course after what was said they wouldn't bother to invite you. Knowing it would be pointless. And I am sure your husbands father doesn't want to be in the middle of this, he didn't create this problem. And shouldn't have to deal with it.
Swallow your pride and just ignore the ones you don't like when you are there. I have one step brother I really don't like. And I could have cared less to see him, but there was no way I was going to let him stop me from spending time with my mother last year for the holidays. I just didn't talk to him.

Answer 5

He might regret it eventually, but it's his decision to make. You sound like you've made your bed. You told them to choose between your family and the Steps you don't like and they chose. They did what you asked them to do. So don't be so surprised. You may have liked a different outcome, but when you back someone into a corner like that you don't always get what you want. Heck, sometimes you don't even have to back them into a corner to stop getting what you want. Let the Grandfather know that you think it is impoartant that he and your child have a relationship and that you are willing to figure something out so the two of them can. And then let it be. That's all you can do. If he accpets, work through it. If he declines, it's his decision to make, so respect it and back off.

Answer 6

My humble opinion: Confront them because it takes too much of your energy (and you need it with your precious one year old) to be mad and wonder constantly if they hate you, why they don't come around, etc. Get it over with and out of the way. It's not like you don't have a good case, so to speak. Ask them what gives? I will tell you they did not invite you because of what you said though....about not coming around when her kids are around. That was clear to me....they just figure they know you won't come so why even invite you. I'm not saying I agree with their approach, but I do understand it. I would kill them with kindness...always extend an invitation to them....say for 6 months trial period. Invite them to EVERYTHING you do....and once they turn you down each time....you have more leverage. You can say, "Well for goodness sakes we have been polite for months on end inviting you to be a part of everything! You never cam....we give up." Unfortunately, with kids, being scared of family members is tricky. My son is 2 and scared of his great grandpa on my husband's side and he sees him often....so don't worry about it too much. Just make sure your child always has you right by his/her side around that person and don't let them hold the child....you hold them and then grandpa can talk to him/her from a distance. Good luck and I hope your Christmas is enjoyable!

Answer 7

In all fairness it was you who started the wedge. If you don't like family members then deal with it, cause family's usually work one way. You black ball someone and the whole family will black ball you. As for the grand dad, some people have a hard time dealing with the younger stages of life. My grandparents didn't start visiting until I was 5. Just give them time and if you really want to confront them then do it in a non hostel way unless you want to be black balled forever.

Answer 8

Are these the type of people you want in your life? My mom's sister is an animal and people have been telling her that for years BUT my mom thought it was a good idea that I had a relationship with my aunt etc....

Long story short people like that don't change so screw them and focus on your child. Give them all the love and care in the world and invite positive people into her life. The people that you're describing will cause unnecessary stress in the future.

Answer 9

You made it clear to them that you would not attend any holidays or family functions where the step mother's children would be; why then should you be offended that you are not invited? You are a parent. Ask yourself this question, would you invite someone who made it clear to you that they didn't want to be around your child? I know I wouldn't. My children come first. You guys are adults...not children. You got what you asked for and are now pouting about it. You may think that they are being unfair, but as an outsider I see things differently. You are asking the stepmother to disregaurd what you feel about her children and invite you even though you said you wouldn't attend. Isn't this a little juvenile? Why would they invite you when you said you would reject their invitation? I think you and your husband need to do some thinking about this.

Answer 10

The mature thing to do would be to confront them and have an open minded and honest conversation about how the way they are treating you and your family is making everyone feel. Perhaps your husband could have a talk with his bio parent first to melt the ice a bit. But sad fact is that you are all going to have to get along somehow in order for there to be a more natural relationship develop. Sad story but best of luck in resolving it.

Answer 11

You need to make an effort to patch things since you informed them of your intentions not to come if steps are there. Or clear it with the dad to spend separate time with just him, maybe a dinner out from time to time. I've had in-laws and steps and I was much happier without them. No problems, no traumas. I enjoy the peace in knowing they were not in my life.

And it's nice to have grand-fathers but not if they are not pleasant to be around...She's better off without a grumpy one
You are going to have to decide where you want to be a make the first move. Can you eat crow?? dead or alive???