If my mother-in-law verbally attacks me and my husband promises we'll leave next time, is this ok?

Question

So my mother-in-law goes from telling me I'm an angel to telling me all her family's problems are my fault.
I am chronically ill and have been out of work for almost 2 years, she rubs this into my face every chance she can get (Even though before I got ill I was working almost 80 hours a week). She will actually trap me into a conversation so she can verbally lash out at me. (And it's worse when she's drinking) I have NEVER said ANYTHING mean or even remotely unkind. All I've done is help her. My husband and I decided that we don't want to be around her when she's like that and especially now because we don't want our 4 month old togrow up around such negitivity. So my hubby made me a deal, we'd visit, but as soon as she starts in, we'll leave. but yesterday he took that back: see his dad asked if we'd come over to help him move and my husband said yes, then he tells me he's not going to leave his dad hanging and if his mom acts up he won't leave with me. is this fair?

I mean, I know he needs to help his dad because he said he would, but he also told me he's help me rest this weekend since I've had no breaks with our son is days.
But it's the fact that my husband got mad that I didn't want to go, why would I? If I know the only way of getting away from her when she's attacking me is to leave all by myself and drive 2 hours home by myself? I thought the husband was supposed to stick to his wife... I tried and tried explaining it to him to help him understand where I'm comming from and I got accused of having an attitude and now he's mad that I wouldn't go with him (It's not like I can help much with a 4 month old anyway)
Also, my mother-in-law has to tell me in little comments how I should be taking care of my baby and acts like I'm a bad mother. Which is weird because she left her family for like a year when her boys were small. I just don't get this family and I'm trying so hard to get allong and just accept me.

ok, more details:
My father-in-law knows to some extent what she does (He's kinda just staying out of it because he wants everyone to get allong, and he's in denial about how bad she can get) my husband just started noticing the little jabs she's constantly giving me.
And to answer your question, yeah, I know she doesn't believe that I'm sick, even though my husband has told her, I don't say anything because she told me one I complain all the time about my sickness (which I don't, I just tell people what's going on when they ask, the last thing I want is pity). She thinks I'm being lazy and living off her son (oddly enough, I supprted him by working 2 jobs when he was unemployed, but she doesn't rtemember that) she thinks because I breastfeed and don't use desitin I'm a bad mother and she could do better, and she also thinks that My husband's grandmother (her mother-in-law) is evil and tried to tell us how aweful the (80 something mind you) woman acts. I'm realy at my wits end

Answer 1

Your mother-in-law has no right to treat you like that. Your husband should be standing up to her and also to the promise he made to leave when she starts in. Does his mother treat him like that? Did she treat you like that before you became ill? Some people don't believe that a person is ill just because they may look "OK". I don't know what kind of chronic illness you have but I would gather as much information as I could on it and see if she would read it. I too have a chronic illness and look "ok" but my husband's mother just doesn't want to hear about it, but she doesn't treat me mean. If your husband is being a "chicken" about standing up for you there may be two (and more) options. Next time don't go with him when he goes over there, or if he refuses to leave and you are able to drive just take the baby and go home. I agree, I would not want my child to be around someone who is verbally abusive and drunk. Out of curiousity does your father-in-law do ANYTHING when she acts like this? Maybe you can talk to a pastor or counselor to see what they would advise. They may be able to tell you how to make her back down. I would make your husband go with you. Good luck I hope you find a solution. Sharon

Answer 2

You could try a different approach. For example, if your husband was going to help his parents move, then you and the baby could stay home. Since you are ill and caring for the baby then there really isn't a need for you to go with your husband when he is helping his parents. When you do go with your husband to visit his parents, set a specific time frame for the visit-plan a specific time to leave. If your mother-in-law lashes out at you verbally or is intoxicated then stay at your husband's side and do not respond to her at all. Either your husband will say something to her, or you'll leave, or he'll do nothing. If he does nothing then you must decide whether you can just ignore her or if you'll just not go with your husband when he visits.

It's probably not fair that your husband changed his mind about leaving when his mom acts out. Your husband should stand up for you. He's probably feeling torn. Just keep talking and trying to figure out a way to work these visits so you both are ok....and one option might be for you and the baby to stay home more often. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

Good Lord, I didn't know there was such an epidemic of controlling people out there! Your mom-in-law sounds just like my stepmother (except for the drinking). After 10 years of trying and dealing, I just remove myself from the situation. I feel a little guilty about cutting my dad out, but I have a right to protect myself.
My suggestion is if, after repeated attempts to work with her on setting boundaries have failed, remove yourself from the situiation - regardless of how your husband feels. He should be sticking with you. If he doesn't, tell him that you have a right to protect yourself and you will not go with him to see his parents, period.
Counseling would help in 3 big ways: 1. You will get validation of your feelings on the situation 2. You will have a professional telling your husband what his mother is doing is WRONG and 3. You'll get professional advice on how to handle the situation.
Good luck, and no matter what, be relentlessly consistent in defending your boundaries. Don't back down, not even once. No one has the right to inflict that kind of harm on you.

Answer 4

She attacks you because something is wrong with her. MOst in-laws are decent but sometimes if they see a flaw in their family that wasn't there before they attack the NEW person when all the situations started happeneing. I would tell your husband he could help his dad but you don't want to go and want to keep your son/daughter with you. He should understand because why would he want to put you in a "uptight and mean" situation with his mom. I don't blame you for wanting to upbring your child in a calm envoriment with peace and tranquility. Once children get to a certain age anyway they are exposed to a harsh reality, why not let them enjoy life before they have to deal with negetivity. Talk with your husband and be abdament about how you feel and if he doesn't listen then you may have to work on the two of you before dealing with his mom. Best of Luck and Happy Holidays



Your husband and you should sit down with her and talk with her and find a solution. She doesn't like you, but she does need to be civil to you because of your 4 month old. Your husband needs to stick to one story and decide on who he wants to support. They will always his parents but his first goal should be looking after you and his baby. He needs to realize that having a 4 month old doesn't give you much time to contribute with helping his dad pack.......he volunteered not you. Listen to your GUT...and stand firm. Best Wishes

Answer 5

I would tell my husband that while you can understand why he feels the need to help his dad, that you feel it would be better for everyone if you just stayed home or went to a close friend's house this time. If your husband reacts negatively to this, then I would go and do everything possible to help out, staying busy enough to avoid a confrontation with his mom.

Answer 6

I think it was honorable of your husband to help his father move. That was a special circumstance and the easy solution would have been for you to keep the baby home with you! However, I think you're lucky that he's agreed to leave with you when she starts her rant. The woman obviously has issues but you're right to leave and not listen to it. Your FIL probably knows she's got problems but just distances himself from all of it because he's given up on changing her.
I waited 42 years while my daddy was married to a hateful woman who always had something bad to say to me or to my children. Then five years ago, after daddy's funeral, I went home and have not had any contact with her since. I have never said anything ugly to her and I'm glad. But now that daddy's gone, I don't have to listen to any more of it !!

Answer 7

wow she sounds crazy. i understand where your coming from. it doesnt sound like things are going to get better unless your husband stands up for you. its none of her buisness how you guys live your life. i understand that your sick. but what if you were not sick. alot of women stay home and as long as you and your husband are ok with that, who is she to judge you. and its none of her buisness how you raise your baby and how you live your life.
as far as your husband helping them move, i would not go with. stay home and relax. get a sitter for the baby or see if your husband can bring him with and family on his side can care for him while you relax. i would not go with for the fact that you would have a 2 hour drive by yourself. and being sick wouldnt help that if you were put in the spot that you wanted to leave. talk to your husband and tell him you dont want to be a part of that family because of the way they treat you. you deserve respect no matter what they agree with or disagree with. my step mom has been out of work for 5 years and there doing just fine. she has back problems and crones disease. my brother and sister are 12 and 16. its better that they have a parent at home. they get in much less trouble and have help with homeowork and dinner on the table. there better kids cause of it in my opinion. my mom had to work so it made it easier to get in trouble and skip school. i didnt even graduate and got in a lot of trouble.
i dont think it would help, but you didnt mention what was wrong with you to make you sick. you could try to explain your problems to your mother in law and see if that helps. maybe if she had a better understanding of the problems she would back off. maybe she thinks your lying or making things up. i know you shouldnt have to go that far, but an idea.
its definately not fair!! stand up to your hubby! good luck:)

Answer 8

Your husband needs to set firm limits with his mother and needs to make sure his dad is aware of what is going on.
Next time you see her, make sure that you have an escape route ( car keys, car) and leave on your own if your husband isn't willing to make a stand.
Don't back down or she will walk all over you.
If her behaviors continue, refuse to see her.
Good Luck.

Answer 9

Your right just stay home there is no reason to put yourself there. I can understand your husband wanting to help his father but you dont need to be there. Tell the truth I'm just tired and dont want to go.

Answer 10

Your husband is a wuss. But that doesn't mean you have to be one too. There's some people you need to set straight.