my sister in law and brother not fit to be parents?

Question

Every time they call to my house or i call to their house there is always something that sticks in my mind and its the way my sister in law treats the kids and my brother doesnt say anything! they are both in their mid 30s and have been together 3 years, they have a 2 year old girl, and she has 2 girls, 11 and 8, from a previous relationship..
she treats the oldest ok, and its like the youngest is the centre of their universe but the 8 year old is not shown any ove, just contempt! it sickens me! if she tries to speak, she is told to shut up, that no-one wants to know, and if she says she is hungry her mother says 'what do u want me to do about it?', very viscously! i was their last night and he child was being quiet , went to tell me a story abt school, and was told to go to her room by her mam cos she was annoying her!!! the toddler is always being told that this child is bold and not her friend, but that the oldest is her friend! the 8 yr old often says that no one likes her and...

... is often referred to as 'trouble' and as far as i can see she is a good child and very intelliegent! after visiting last night i cried when i got home as i couldnt believe the extent as how she speaks to her own child! my parents and younger sister has noticed too... i dont know wheter to say anything to my brother about it, but he can be very defensive and may fall out with me and that will be us fallen out and nothing changed! i really do not know what to do! when iit happens in front of me i just look away and am disgusted, and i dont know if this is picked up on my either my brother or his other half... what r ur opinions?

i would hope that my brother says something to his mrs when no one is there but she clearly wears he trousers in the relationship and to be honest i dont even know if he thinks its wrong or not! we werent raised like that!

i forgot to say, these 2 older girls from the previous relationship, their dad died 2 years ago so she hasnt even got him to turn to..

we live in ireland

Answer 1

This needs to stop. See if you can get the middle child to come and live with you at your house or something, seriously.

Bring up this problem to any and all adults you can trust that you know, and ask them to please do something about it before that little girl is ruined.

If I were you, the next time I was over there and saw that going on, for instance if she tried to say something and they told her to shut up, I'd speak up and say NO she doesn't have to shut up, and you need to treat her with love and kindess and stop being so abusive to her. And if she says she is hungry, FEED her, this is a CHILD, do you not understand that? Would YOU like to be treated like that, you heartless idiot? This child did NOT ask to be born, YOU brought her into the world, and you do NOT have the right to abuse her. If you don't want her, she can come and live with me.

And then I'd look at the brother and tell him I'm freaking ASHAMED of him and he makes me sick for treating a child that way.

But that's just me. I never did put up with that kind of crap. I was that child, when I was younger. Nobody stood up for me, so I had to do it myself. Do all you can to put a stop to it, ok.

Answer 2

I'm going to guess and say something created an issue between your sister in law and her second daughter (maybe that child is her ex's favorite) I've seen this happen with so many children it's not funny, the parents hold them repsonsible or blame them for things that can't possibly be their fault, build contempt and then treat them horribly.

If your in the US you need to make a phone call to the local Child Protective Services, report extreme emotional, psychological and "possibly" physical abuse (the physical abuse may not be true from your notes above, but it will get them to come out faster!) Call the childs school and talk to her guidance counselor or school social worker. Your a concerned family member they will not ignore your request to bring attention to her needs. 1 phone call to CPS will bring your neice onto the radar, 2 seperate phone calls (maybe another family member) will get a Child Protective Services Visit within a week. Generally 48 hours because it flags it for attention.

They will talk to the parents, the children together, and then seperate, they will take them away(during the visit) from your brother and sister in law and talk to them about all aspects of their lives. They will examine the childs room, and possibly other parts of the house. They will inquire on activities each child is involved in, and eating habits, including snacks etc.

They will gather information, and they will set an appointment to come back. When they come back they will have a list of things that your bro/sisinlaw will need to change to avoid further supervision, actions etc.

For example if they know the child is being denied food (denying a child a snack is against the law and you can be fine etc for doing it) Nutrition is a basic need and one they take seriously, they will require that the parents document what the children eat/ including snack and will check it against what the child tells them. (They wont tell the parents they are planning to compare so coaching wont be predicted)

If language is being used that is psychologically damaging to any of the children CPS may require counseling and threaten to remove all the children from the home if all don't attend.

After you've taken these steps, if you feel the situation has not improved or got worse, you can petition the state for legal guardianship - considering how much the child bothers your sister in law, they might willingly give you. Otherwise you need to be ready to fight for her.

I applaud you in sticking up for this little girl, she needs someone like you to be her advocate!

Answer 3

I went through a bad time when I was a child and, believe me, it does affect the rest of your life. You really have to have a word with your family, then you should all tackle your brother. You don't know what this child is suffering when no-one is there. If it were my brother I'd threaten to bring in social services if things don't change. If you don't want to go down that road, you or a member of your family can have a quiet word with the girl's school. Please do something about it. It's not interfering, it's saving a child from a hellish life.

Answer 4

My sister did the same thing to her eldest, she has three kids and the youngest two have a different father than the eldest. What i did was become his best Friend in the family, I would take him and only him out to the park, the movies or just home to my house and do the things that he wanted to do, play board games get him to help me cook dinner or just sit and talk (because he had no one to talk to he would never shut up). I never minded that because I could se the excitement in his face when he talked, it was like he was soo happy that someone was taking the time to love him and spend time with him. My advice is that next time that you are over there and that happens, just before you go home say that you have a day off soon and that you will be happy to take the 8yo off her hands for the day or you can say it in your own words. If she hesitates offer to take the eldest as well so that she can have some time to herself to relax with out having to worry about the eldest two.

Answer 5

Thats such a shame, but it seems like clasic middle child syndrome. The first born gets treated with respect an the youngest is the baby of the family so gets molly coddled. That poor child will have serious relationship problems unles someone gives the mother a shake

Answer 6

That will be very hard to prove legally...

You might be stuck with only being the caring Aunt that makes a difference in this child's life....try to take her with you as often as possible..I'm sure the mother will be glad to get rid of her...maybe even bad enough to let you adopt her at some future date???

Just like Julia said..I was that child, also... but not just from mom..I guess it became trendy or something as I was often the brunt of scorn/ disdain ...not for anything I'd done..just for being, me. My dad was a decent guy; but, my mom would lie to him about thing that had happened, so that he would take her side. The only one that ever stuck up for me was my 93 year old grandmother (I rarely saw her though)...God rest her soul! It wasn't much, you see; but it was just enough to keep me going. Give that little girl a reason to live!
Let her know that someone loves her..even if it's not her parents.

Answer 7

Have your parents talk to your brother alone and hopefully they will get through to him if not it might be up to one of you to call childrens services on them and see if they can get some parenting classes as they obviously need them especially the mother of these children . she might have had a bad mom and does not know how to be a mom . I agree that at this point neither your brother or sister in law is a good parent. your parents need to do something . good luck and god bless.

Answer 8

hi, this is not excusing what she is doing to her daughter but maybe the middle one reminds her of her dad and it still upsets her, but i think that she should be made aware of what she is doing and then if she does nothing about it someone should contact social services as the child is clearly being neglected

Answer 9

join forces with the rest of your family to confront your brother about this. if he's defensive about it it's because he knows it's wrong. can you take your niece out? maybe if you arrange to spend time with her, have her for sleepovers etc you'll be able to get a bit closer to her yourself. she needs to know someone loves her and cares what happens to her. i wish you and this little one all the luck in the world. diane.

Answer 10

If she's hungry, so what? I mean, that's assuming she's already ate what was given to her. She's probably just whining because she wants attention. If she's not being fed at all, then it's neglect. It's not neglect if the kid refuses to eat enough at meal time though.

Anyways, the other behavior might not be savory, but there's nothing illegal going on and nothing that CPS would care about. Why? There are worse parents out there. Get over it.