Today I did a bad thing to my 12 year old stepson...?

Question

He was told to do one of his daily chores and after I discovered he did a half-assed job and left a mess, I made go out and fix it. In the verbal exchange that followed I pushed him because he was taking back to me and he began to "tell me how it was going to be". I put my finger in his chest and pushed him back into a wall. He went and told his mother that I "shoved" him and began to cry. In seeing this my wife began yelling at me saying that I have no right to touch him. Her son is very combative and talks back, has no respect for anyone else and acts like he is "entitled" to all he has or wants. I know that what I did was wrong but he has absolutely NO discipline outside of sending him to his room where he is more than happy to go. He has his own phone, tv, computer and video game players . I'm at the end of my rope and my wife won't go to counseling. I was raised in a strict household with accountability, structure and rules, I feel helpless and am thinking of divorce after 8 yrs!

Answer 1

unfortunately you are in a bad position..as a stepfather she has authority over you when it comes to her son..dont get me wrong, this is NOT how it should be.I believe that you both need to sit down without son around and talk about this.Let her know that he is not a little boy anymore and that he has to have some sort of discipline. Try to form some sort of agreement...

If you both cannot get control on him now it is going to be even worse in his teenage years and you will have no control whatsoever.

how about next time instead of the arguing (which doesn't get anywhere) tell him to go back and redo it or his computer and video games will be unplugged until it is done right..If he argues..go unplug them or take away a cord so that he cant work it...

If the wife complains then..well you have a really serious problem.Hate to see a divorce but you cant be run over by a 12 yr old to which you have no right to discipline

best of luck

Answer 2

I recommend reading up on the psychology of children-especially the differences between authoritative and authoritarian type parenting. It is really interesting and will give you an insight on how they view their behavior and interpret yours. I do know that being overly strict and constantly correcting everything your child has done wrong actually has a negative impact on them. Let the child help you create the boundaries and the consequences he will have to face if he does not obey. Also, you do know that children learn their behaviors from those around him. If you are a very demanding parent and push him, what do you think he will learn from that situation? He is going to see that being angry and aggressive is an okay behavior. Then when he is combative and makes you angry, you are even more angry back. You feed off each other in this cycle that is negatively affecting the family. I think you need to have a serious talk with your wife because you as a stepfather cannot change this behavior on your own without the son or your wife thinking you are singling out the child. Your wife is the one that can make the biggest contribution. Also, try not to resent the kid for his behavior. When things cool down invite him to some event that both of you can enjoy. If you create a good bond between you then it will be easier to get him to obey you as a parent.

Answer 3

You say you are considering divorce after 8 yrs of this, why didn't you and your wife discipline him when he was younger. He did not learn this type of behavior by himself. He would have only been 4 at the time.

You need to sit down with your wife and talk with her. do it in a calmly manner and without raising your tone when you talk.
Communication is the major key here.

It is right that you had no right in touching your stepson in that way, you are the adult and they learn ( even if there is NO responsibility that was taught to him at an earlier age ), from example.

His actions now will someday return and bite him in the butt. He WILL grow up and learn how to react to things because the world will teach him a much harder lesson then what is there now at home.

I say, with the actions that are at home, just to relax, go ahead and try to discipline but maybe leave the disciplining to his mother....

I would reconsider leaving this family. There would have to be a zillion things wrong before I left mine. Discipline can be overcome. Just try to relax and work them out.

No one ever said Marriage was easy........... it takes 100 % on both parts.
Raising kids ( whether they are yours or not ) is the same way. Takes 100 % on all parts.

Good Luck !

Answer 4

It sounds as though the main problem you have going on is that you and your wife do not see eye to eye on how to discipline this child. And this child knows it. That is exactly why he is "telling you how it's going to be". He knows that he can go to his mother and she will take his side.
Your entire family needs counseling, but most especially you and your wife. You absolutely, positively must present a united front to the child. Your wife is 100% in the wrong to yell at you, in front of this child. If either of you have issues as to the way the child is being treated, disciplined, etc., that should go on between the two of you and behind closed doors.
First thing first, though. If your stepson doesn't complete his daily chores properly, deduct money from his allowance. If he doesn't get an allowance, take away a privilege, like his telephone or tv or computer. If he needs to be grounded to his room, ground him to a spare bedroom, with a book to read, or even a bathroom. Maybe if he has to sit in a small bathroom, with absolutely nothing to do, other than perhaps a book to read, he will truly think about what he's done.
Again, I think your biggest problem is your wife. She is pitting you against your stepson, whether she realizes it or not. She may feel like she needs to choose between him and you and that's not fair to any of you. Your stepson should not be running the household, and it seems that is exactly what he is doing.
Please get at least yourself to counseling and hopefully you can persuade your wife to go as well. Don't directly blame her or your stepson. Best of luck to you!

Answer 5

just because she doesn't want to go to counseling doesn't mean you can't go it will give you a safe place to vent your frustrations.

The fact that your stepson has all of those things in your room, maybe when you punish him you should either take those things out of his room first or you should have a different place he goes to be punished. Remember that divorces are not always the easy on kids either (even if it was 8+ years ago). He needs to know that when he comes to your house you are in charge. Otherwise he is going to feel like he can get away with anything.

Communication is the key. You need to talk with your wife, and let her know how you are feeling and what you think. You two need to work together otherwise he will always be able to run to his mom for a way out and you will be seen as the "bad guy".

Also sit down with your stepson and let him know the rules that you expect of him...also let him know that you are sorry and that what you did was wrong and that you shouldn't have done that. He needs to know that you were in the wrong and that you know that. Maybe try to sit down and do some things with him, get to know him more what he is into take him to a sporting event or something. Let him know you are there for him.

People always say you have to hit rock bottom before you can start climbing out...maybe this needed to happen in order for things to change.

anyway, good luck

Answer 6

You wife is not doing a very good job raising her son. He is well on his way to being an unmanageable teen. Your wife needs counseling more than you do and the boy needs it as well. The whole family sounds like it is being run by the 12 year old. You are right, you all need counseling and if you wife will not get it you may have to leave. After all, she is making the mess and you will be suffering with her through the teen years and she still will not see that she is raising an unruly person who no one will want to be around.

Good Luck.

Answer 7

You need a marriage counselor.

Before entering into any kind of relationship there are 3 things both parents MUST agree on

1. Children
2. Inlaws
3. Money

Obviously you and your wife do not agree on how to raise your son. When you married her, you should have also taken responsibility for the entire family. He then became you son as well (even if not by blood).

If she refuses to go to counseling, then she has agendas other then raising a family together with you on her mind. I suggest seeing a lawyer if that is the case, and get away as fast as you can.

Answer 8

I'd seriously talk to your wife and hopefully she would consider counseling. Your views on parenting are different. I know he's her son and not biologically yours, but the rules still need to be the same.

Have you tried spanking? 12 is NOT too old for spankings. I grew up in a very strict household too and my last spanking was at 15 years old.

Although it may not have been right for you to poke and push him into the wall, it was very disrespectful of him to talk to you like that. I know if I talked back to my dad, I would've gotten backhanded !

Talk to your wife. Tell her that you want to be able to agree on the boy's discipline and if you guys can't work it out that way, then you should see a counselor because you feel helpless and afraid this will effect your marriage.

Answer 9

We aren't in the step situation here............ but as far as parenting here's our rule of thumb, which might not totally work for you initially, but bare with me. WE have the rule of showing an united front. In other words if parent A takes the lead on a discipline issue parent B backs them up at least until the issue is resolved whether or not parent B agrees. Now with that said you need to sit down with your wife and possibly her ex husband if he's in the mix and lay out some ground rules that everyone agrees to, then back each other up. Regardless of who the bio or step parent is, this child will play you against each other if he sees a 'weak' front' present a strong united front that he knows that they are all going to be on the same side............... also the going to his 'play' room, wouldn't be my discipline of choice either, make him sit somewhere he does NOT want to sit. (And I am not talking about a time out that you'd use with little kids. I am talking something uncomfortable). Our recent 13 yo has sit at the kitchen table (just because its a room we can isolate him in), with us in the living room, where he can't see the TV or get to the playstation, sit at the computer, nothing fun. IF he wants to read, I pick the book, but otherwise nothing to do, sit and stare............ generally doesn't take long and he's ready to 'mend fences' so to speak. In other words he can't go lay on his bed, talk on his phone, has to sit up right in a straight chair and be bored!

Answer 10

You should tell you wife what you wrote here. Tell her if there is no counseling for the 3 of you, you will file for a divorce since you feel you have no alternative left. When he is sent to time out, it should be in a different room without all his stuff. This is not punishment if he can go there and play games, watch tv, use the computer and phone. Your wife is leaving you to be the bad guy by coming to her son's defense instead of forming a united force with you for his discipline.