How should I react to the Thanksgiving fiasco w/my fiance's family?

Question

I'll try to summarize everything. We had to give my fiance's brother a ride to their parents vacation home 3 hours away. His brother told his dad that we were going to be late leaving, because I needed to see my mom... his dad went ballistic. He then told his dad that we'd have to leave their house early so that we could get back to see my mom--he still said no way.

My fiance said that if I went w/him, then we'd for sure come back. At 6pm my fiance told his dad "our dogs are home alone, this is her first t-giving w/out her dad.. and plus her friends dad died". (my dad died recently, my friends dad died yday)

His dad yelled and said "I have more sense than any of you, I'm a doctor and know what I'm talking about. Who cares if she doesn't see her mom-don't put her above us. Her friends dad is dead and it's over with.. and your dogs won't starve over night". This went on for 10 minutes.

How would you feel about this?

Answer 1

I hope that your fiancee told his father right then and there to calm down and that you left. Obviously, the man needs medication and is not well, he could be bipolar or something. In any case, he showed a totally lack of manners and restraint, not to mention any feelings for his new potential DIL. I would be very concerned, especially about how your fiancee handled it - if he did not tell Daddy dearest to chill and then get you out of there, then you do need to be very concerned. I am so sorry.

Answer 2

OMG. I would feel uncertain if I wanted to marry into this family. His dad is a cold, unfeeling jerk. Worse, but I can't print it here. To be honest, if you lost your dad recently, your place was with your mom on her first Thanksgiving without him. That really trumped everything for this particular Thanksgiving. His dad's word's, "Don't put her above us." Doesn't he realize that when you marry, that is exactly what he will be (should be) doing for the rest of his life???? That is what marriage IS. This will be a life-long problem if your husband can't stand up to his dad on your behalf. You don't say if you were able to get to see your mom or not so I don't know if he did. You did say it went on for 10 minutes, and your fiance shouldn't even have allowed that.

Answer 3

Gut reaction... your fiancee's father is self-absorbed, selfish and insensitive.

What wasn't explained here though is how your fiancee's mother reacted, how long you actually spent at their vacation home and how the actual visit went. If your future MIL said nothing or quietly went along with her husband, I would say your future FIL is a bully with his family and that's how he gets his way.

I would imagine you went to support your fiancee, but did you know your future FIL's reaction prior to leaving for the dinner? If you did, I would question why. I would make it clear that at a time when you've recently lost your own father, your friend lost her father and your mother was alone, the last thing you need is to be around people who are insensitive and uncaring.

The comical part of this (to me) is a man saying that because he's a doctor, he knows what he's talking about! HAH! That just makes him arrogant and a pompas ***.

Remember... we teach others how to treat us by allowing their actions to dictate our lives and our feelings. Teach him that you will allow him to treat you with kindness and respect of your feelings and your family. Otherwise, you have the right to not socialize with them. The harder part is how your fiancee is reacting to all of this and whether or not he stands up to his father in support of your feelings. You'll never have but that one "Mom" and were it me, anyone who told me to not put my mother above someone else woould not be someone I would want to waste my time with. I also guarantee I wouldn't know how long his tirade went on as I would have been out the door long before he was finished.

Good luck and happy holidays. Hope Christmas goes better.
Tina

Answer 4

Wow. Well first off, I'm curious to how your fiance reacted? Did he just take it and not stick up for you or did he defend you? I don't think this has anything to do with you in my own opinion. This sounds more like a deeper problem. On one hand, you probably should have told his father that you weren't going to stay late right off the bat, but the brother should have just minded his own business instead of stirring up trouble. It was definately rude and heartless for his father to say those things about the loss of your and your friends fathers. I suggest you all sit down and talk this over or it might end up becoming a bigger problem down the road. My guess is that theres something else his father is upset about. And it might have nothing to do with you or your holiday choices. You may have just been the victim of him losing the last bit of sanity he had.

Answer 5

His dad is an uncompromising pompous ***, for making everyone miserable. Your fiance tried to keep everyone happy, give him some credit.
It's unfortunate that your friend's dad died but you wouldn't fix much by coming back for that. Spending luch at your moms and dinner at his father's should have been enough for common sense people. And get someone to feed and take the dogs out next time you need to leave home.

Hopefully in the future you'll make arrangements earlier on.

Answer 6

FFIL sounds like a wacko. Just like my FMIL-same situation happens to me every Thanks'g. His dad needs to understand that his son is starting his own family now and that means holidays may change & that he has to share his son with another family just like your mother has to share you with his family. Some parents can be so selfish-I think the best option is always to split holidays 50/50 if possible or if you spend lots of time with one family b/c they live closer, hopefully they will be understanding if you explain that holidays may be spent w/other relatives. Maybe you should ask your fiance to speak to his dad and say that he understands why his dad was upset, but he has to consider how his son feels & the prediciment he put you both in? Unfortunately there is no good answer and someone will be pissed or upset. Wecolme to my life (p.s.-are the in-laws spanish? hehe).

Answer 7

thats awful, what did your fiance do? I hope he stood up for you. Being a doctor doesn't give a person common sence.I would have just left. the dad will get overhimself adventually. If your fiance is going to be your husband then he needs to put you first anyway. Needing to see your mom and feeding your dogs was important.

Answer 8

Depends on your fi's reaction. If he promptly stood up for you and was immediately ready to leave . . . then fine.

If he did not stand up for you, placated his dad, and stayed at dad's longer to do so . . . then end the relationship.

If fi did not stand up for you, then this is an example of what you can expect throughout the marriage. His family will ALWAYS come first. Your wishes and your family will be unimportant.

My advice would be if you feel worried or uncomfortable about your fi's reaction in any way, then it is time to end the relationship.

I agree with Avis B. In-laws like this only get worse after marriage. They do not get better, I promise you.

Answer 9

Either he was drunk, or he had just lost a lot of money on the Green Bay/ Detroit game.
If no one in that family was shocked by his behavior, that's a bad sign, because it means they are used to it.
Your fiance needs to tell his father to shut up and quit embarassing the family. Make sure your fiance knows that until you get an apology from his father for his outburst, you have no obligation to get back together with his family. Relationships are based upon respect, and because his family apparently does not have any of that...You can have no relationship with them.

Answer 10

I only have a few words for you . .

Keep away from these people . . because it is only going to get worse.

Do you really want to be related to these people?
Do you really want all of your future holidays to be a repeat of this one?
Do you really want to be chastised and talked down to and belittled about the things that you care about?

You may have a really great fiance that you care about BUT do you really want his family in your life . . for the rest of your life? Think about it!

Answered by: A Certified wedding specialist / A Professional bridal consultant / A Wedding ceremony officiant