Adoption question from an adoptee?

Question

Recently I've asked some questions regarding my reunification with my birthmother (I was adopted at a few weeks old), and the way in which it has being going very negatively. She has, among other things, demanded I cut my parents out of my life, and ignored 3 of my 6 kids because they're not bio kids. I have tried to work with her, encourage her to seek help, etc, but to no avail unfortunately.
Now to my question. As a foster parent, and someone who has worked as a family liason officer, I'm no stranger to adoption horror stories. But I was shocked at the number of people who blamed adoption in and of itself for my birthmother's issues. I understand that a lot of people have suffered a great deal of pain from adoption, and I'm so sorry for them. But sometimes people make their own choices, right or wrong, and adoption certainly isn't always wrong or harmful. So why do so many people still seem to blame adoption itself? I was just looking for an insight, thanks.

Answer 1

I think in your situation, your birth mother does have some issues with something. It may be a mental disorder, it may be something to do with the adoption, I don't know. I'm a birth mother and I would never ask my daughter to stop talking to her adoptive parents. I am thankful for them and I consider them part of my family. As someone else said, you can never have too many people who love you.

However, your birth mother's actions will hurt your children. If she isn't willing to change her actions around them, as well as letting you have a relationship with your (adoptive) parents, then you might have to walk away from her. I'm not trying to be mean, but she is asking something of you that she shouldn't.

You seem like a smart, thoughtful person. Several people have posted that there is something wrong with adoption and that all birth mothers suffer horrible pain from giving away their child. And that if they weren't coerced into it, they imply that they were unloving. That is simply not true. I wasn't coerced. I don't regret it and I would do it again given that same situation. And I am not mentally ill.

I think there is more to your birth mother's actions than the adoption.

Good luck!

Answer 2

I don't blame my being adopted. Why would I? I was adopted by two wonderful people. My birth mother made her own choices in life. She choose her drugs and men over raising a family. The only good choice she made was when she told social services i will not give up my rights unless she stays with the people who are caring for her now. Otherwise if she didn't say this there was a pretty good chance of me being in the foster care system. What I want is better screening for the adoptive parents because unfortunately some shouldn't be parents,kinda like a person who has bio kids shouldn;t have them because they are abusive. Better counseling for the birth mother to ensure this is what she really wants to do. The welfare of the child is the most important. Now there are posters on here that say because we want reforms we are anti-adoption. That is far from the case. Most of us are for adoption we just want better laws surrounding adoptions. Please do not take to heart what these mean-sprited people say.

Answer 3

I understand what you assert Sunny. Giving this guy or woman the income of the doubt (no longer understanding who mentioned this and what the situations have been), i could wish that they are insinuating that adoptees no longer inevitably forget approximately issues that befell to them, yet attempt to %. up the products and stay their lives devoid of being debilitated by employing lots of the negatives of adoption (which i'm confident lots of you/us do in this board...Yahoo! solutions is not any one's entire existence i'm hoping lol). back, i'm hoping they recommend something like the above and not basically the common "forget approximately approximately it" stuff. on a similar time as i do no longer individually experience any of the trauma at the instant, I understand that others DO and that i could by no potential want anybody to experience like they ought to easily "forget approximately approximately" their thoughts and the flaws that befell to them in the event that they're nonetheless attempting to artwork through them. i believe a similar (what I mentioned above) is going for adoptive mothers and dads. they're human. they are going to need issues that different people want (like little ones) and harm like different people harm. only because of the fact they can't have little ones would not by surprise cause them to no longer worth of the sympathy (from human beings at right here because of the fact society customarily has a tendency to side with them) that adoptees and birthparents get. If anyone at right here ought to drop the "recover from it, forget approximately approximately it" attitudes customarily, then possibly we can be in a bigger place. Sorry for rambling men...I only had to put in my 2 cents.

Answer 4

You are right that people do make their own choices, and that not everything can be blamed on adoption. I think, without knowing more about your bmom and the situation, it would be hard to know what was going on. Even if adoption has caused her difficulties, it is unfair of her to take them out on you rather than trying to work through them.

That said, as you point out yourself, adoption does cause a great deal of pain for some. It isn't easy to get over great pain and loss, and that can influence and affect choices that we make. People may be trying to give your bmom the benefit of the doubt, that maybe there's a reason she's acting this way.

Whether or not the pain and loss of adoption explains her behavior, it doesn't justify it. But blaming adoption for the pain and damage it causes is a different thing than excusing that behavior. But saying that it doesn't excuse bad behavior doesn't mean the pain and damage isn't real.

I do blame adoption for all the pain and damage it causes. I don't use it to excuse bad behavior.

I am sorry for the way she continues to treat you. Good luck.

Answer 5

I think adoption is a form of child abuse, so yes I blame adoption itself.

My adopters were less than ideal parents, but the fact is no matter what they did or didn't do, they were never my parents. And that is the problem.

Adoption requires a certain amount of pretense, and a subscription to a false reality. It is both mind-bending and traumatic to live a society that says family is everything, yet for adoptees we lost our entire families and are forced to pretend strangers are an acceptable replacement. They are not.

Answer 6

This question has been asked so many times. It almost makes me want to write out a form response. I digress, my bad.

Most of the people around here are NOT blaming the act of adoption, they are blaming a flawed adoption system. Adoption can be and often is the best choice for the child, that is what we all want right? What is best for the child?

It isn't a matter of hating adoption or wanting to stop the practice. It is a matter of wanting adoption reform. For agencies and adopters to cease the coercion tactics they use with natural parents. For agencies to stop selling children to the highest bidder with Caucasian infants topping the financial scales. For adoptive families, adoptees, adopters and natural parents to have easy access to badly needed resources such as parenting skills, counseling, financial aid (should the natural parents choose to parent instead of place), open records for ALL, an end to the secrecy and an open book policy for agencies to ensure they operate legally and ethically.

None of us want to see a child live in true squalor or with an abuser. What we do want is an end to the dirty adoption practices thus bringing, once again, to the forefront what is really important here. The wellbeing of the child.

Answer 7

Counseling would help her. As a reunited birthmother, I know my place in the grand scheme of things. She has a mother, but I feel you can't have too many people who love you. It is unfair of her to ask you to giveup anyone. Obviously she hasn't learned anything from her pain at your loss.

Answer 8

My apologies, I thought you were asking for ways to reconcile with her to reach a positive end

If you have already made up your mind to walk away, then do what's best for you and your children.

I would never cut my adoptive parents out of my life or have any of my children ignored either

Whatever you do, I wish you well

Answer 9

Snickette, it's clear that your natural mother has unresolved issues in connection with the loss of her child (you). I don't think that means you have to condone her behavior, however. You need to do whatever is healthy for you and your family.

Who wouldn't have issues in connection with the loss of a child, especially if they were never given permission to grieve that loss? I would tell your natural mother that, until she seeks help, you have to bow out of the relationship for your own mental health and that of your children.

As for blaming adoption, if your mother was forced to surrender you because an adoption agency had the potential to make money and fulfill 'orders' from potential adoptive parents, then I can see how she might feel adoption was to blame. If she gets help, she will be able to sort all this out.

Regarding the psychology that the pasta person is promoting, I respectfully disagree. Freud & Jung are dead when it comes to the integrity or disintegration of the mother/child dyad, infant & child development, and infant & child trauma - as well as the psychological repercussions on a mother who loses her child - specifically disenfranchised grief.

My own natural mother had plenty of issues stemming from losing me. Who was to blame? Society, for its refusal to accept unwed motherhood? Her parents, who demanded she surrender me to adoption to save themselves from shame? The adoption agency, who was interested only in filling my adoptive parents' request? My adoptive parents, who were willing to pay so their son could have a sister? My natural father, for cutting and running?

I have found that many people play a part in situations that hurt others. No one finger can be pointed, but we need to look anywhere and everywhere so we can do all we can TODAY to prevent these painful situations from happening in the future, don't you think?

Answer 10

The worlds of foster care adoptions vs domestic infant adoptions are miles apart. I don't know that the mothers who place via domestic infant adoption blame adoption for their unhappiness so much as they blame the corrupt domestic infant adoption system. The counselors who work for domestic infant adoption agencies do everything that they can to denigrate the expectant mother's ability to parent. They have them make lists of what they can provide their children vs what the their well-heeled customers can provide. They try to drive a wedge between supportive parents of expectant moms and the moms and try to isolate them from all support systems. They give the expectant mothers lists of what they must provide their children that are absolutely ridiculous. (I am a mother to 2 children and have never heard of some of the crap on the so-called list of "necessities"). The counselors most assuredly do not seriously explore the option of parenting because parenting means no $$$ collected. So, often although the mother made a free choice at the time, she often looks back and realizes that she was duped and manipulated.

For the "birth" mothers who made uncoerced choices of adoption, I think that there are two reasons that they blame adoption on their subsequent unhappiness.

First, in any relinquishment, there is inherent loss. Even the "birth" mothers who feel that they made the best decision for their children, grieve deeply because of the loss. Very, very few are able to walk away with no feelings of deep loss. They need to work through their grief, much in the same way that people work through the death of a loved one. They learn to cope but they can never be the same person that they were before.

Second, many women who made uncoerced choices for adoption do so based on their situation at that time. For many of them, their situation changes. They finish school, they marry (often the father of the relinquished child), they become financially stable, and they have children and realize that they ARE good mothers. That is when many "birth" moms look back and realize that could have successfully parented their children and begin to have serious regrets, bitterness, and anger at the adoption system. They (rightfully) blame the adoption system that is too quick to judge the ability of single/poor moms to parent and pressure them to give their children away to "better people".

I hope that helps and that some is relevant to your mom's situation. I admire you so much for trying to understand your mother's anger and resentment.