Should I tell him to go cheat??

Question

I've been married for 2 1/2 years. My husband was a virgin. He just got back from Iraq and we're supposed to be trying to get pregnant. But lately he only wants to talk about bringing other people into the bedroom.

I hate the idea. Its grosses me out and makes me feel as though I'm not good enough. We've never had any problems til now. I don't know what to do.

The Bible is pretty specific on how God feels about sex outside of marriage and I don't want to violate God's Word but at the same time I want my husband happy.

If I can't satisfy him and I don't want other people with us should I tell him to go get it out of his system and I'll be here when he gets back???????????

If he does that then he may leave me or never stop the trysts but if I don't he might leave me or just recent me for the rest of our marriage.

He can't even preform anymore without talking about other people.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

No, Don't encourage him to cheat, It will only weaken your marriage further. Sounds like your husband needs counseling. These feelings that he is experiencing do not sound normal. I suggest a mental health care provider.

Answer 2

First, a lot of people here are not going to agree with me.

Sometimes, sex is just sex. Sex doesnt always have to do with love and marriage. He is experiencing a fantasy, that quite frankly, most men have and so do a lot of women.

You are right, Biblically, this would be a sin.

I dont think he would feel the same about having sex with another woman without you. The fantasy is experiencing it with you. He does NOT feel like youre not good enough. You are plenty good enough. He still loves you. He wants to try and share this new experience with you.

If everyone is comfortable and into it, it can be an enjoyable experience. Many people do it and have happy healthy relationships. If everyone is comfortable and trusts everyone, there will be no issues of him not wanting to stop or leaving in the future.

If you were into it, I would say go ahead and have fun. But you clearly are not into. You admit you dont feel its moral and that it is a sin. You admit that physically you are not interested. With the feelings you have, if you do it, it will cause problems with your marriage and you are the one that will end up leaving. Same thing if you tell him to have sex with someone else. You clearly are not comfortable with it. So if thats what happens, you will be unhappy and have trust issues and so forth.

If he really loves you, he will respect that you dont want to do this and wont push the issue. If he doesnt respect that you dont want to do it and keeps pushing, then he probably doesnt love you as much as he says, and sooner or later one of you will leave.

You could, however, try to come up with alternatives to his fantasy. One alternative would be to blindfold him and use both your hands to touch different places at the same time. You could have sex infront of a mirror. You could incorporate a blow up doll or some other toys. Try watching some porn while having sex.

But like I said, if you are not comfortable and feel its wrong, if you do it you are gonna be the one with resentment. Again, if he loves you, he will respect your decision to not do this. And to me, it almost sounds like you already almost have trust issues about what happened in Iraq. You do what is best for yourself, your conscious, and your faith.

Answer 3

NO. Don't do it. Sarah made the same mistake with Abraham in the bible. It resulted in the centuries of war and conflict that is going on in Iraq even today.
It sounds like your husband has more of a spiritual problem than a sexual problem. Is he aware that marriage, by definition, is a covenant relationship between one man and one woman? This young man has apparently, made a committment to you before giving up his worldly adventures in the flesh to settle down. My advice to you is to postpone any plans for a pregnancy with your husband right now because if he is still uncertain about his sexual committment with one woman, his wife, he may feel the same lack of committment about his responsibility toward any child that results from his union with you. There are already too many single mothers trying to raise children alone in emotional, financial and spiritual distress. Do not expose yourself to sex with other people in your marriage because it is an act of adultery regardless of which spouse commits it- husband or wife. If your husband refuses professional marriage counseling AND clergical counseling, ask him for a divorce and find a man who understands the meaning of the godly marriage vows, a man who loves God and believes the gospel as you do and let this young man you are currently with have all the threesomes, trysts and fornications he is seeking because it is not just your feelings, your body and your marriage that is at stake here. If he is seeking sex outside of this marriage now, he will continue to do it if there is no intervention and if you consent to it , he will lead you into a new lifestyle you already know is not right for you. See a marriage counselor together if you can get him to cooperate and speak to your professional clergyman in private if you are involved in worship (together if possible). Best wishes to you.

Answer 4

It sounds like your husband needs to re-center himself on what marriage is about and why. Sex is the giving of yourself to each other, the expression of your love and your total commitment...not a physical fantasy driven act that's purpose is self satisfaction.

Being in Iraq, away from you, with other more worldly people, may have changed his view. But he needs to pray, to maybe seek the counsel of a priest or pastor and be the husband he is supposed to be.

No, he should not just go out and cheat and get it over with. This will ultimately ruin your marriage. Marriage is multi-leveled and all the levels need to be intact in order for the marriage to be strong. Your sexuality is the gift you give each other of yourselves...you or he, cannot go and give that to another without doing irreparable damage to the relationship.

See if you can get some counseling and talk to your husband about how you feel and what you want from your marriage. Ask how he feels and try to help him cope with what may be going on with him.

Answer 5

WOW SOLDIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So sorry to hear about you dilema. You are right... the Bible is specific about sex outside of marriage... that same Bible also tells you the adultery is reason for divorce. Now don't get me wrong.... I am NOT advising you to get a divorce...

I think that there is an underlying reason for your husband wanting to bring other people into the bedroom. It could stem from the type of materials he kept himself occupied with while in Iraq... such as magazines, books, television programs etc. You MUST find out the reason for this specific need of his.

I understand that your marriage is important to you... but if it has to get in the way of your relationship with God... then you need to address the situation PRONTO!... Seek counseling if necessary... whatever you decide to do...DO NOT COMPROMISE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.....YOU WILL NEVER WIN THAT WAY!!!!!!!!!

Answer 6

You know what I couldn't do it! He knew he was a virgin when you all first hooked up in the first place, so therefore he shouldn't have got married! Its not your fault that he feels now that you all are married he wants to go be with other people.
( HE DID IT ALL BACK WARDS) Ain't NO Way in HELL I would let that GO DOWN ! If you allow that to go down then your opening your self up to a WEB of BULL*** and He's going to keep doing it. You better stop the bull before it starts! You will be LESS OF A WOMEN IN MY EYES IF YOU ALLOW HIM TO DO YOU THAT WAY! I say divorce THAT SO CALLED HUSBAND OF YOURS if HE FEELS THE NEED TO SCREW ANOTHER WOMEN! AND THE NERVE OF HIM TO ASK YOU AND THEN YOU SAID HE CANT EVEN PERFORM RIGHT, WITHOUT BRINGING IT UP, That AIN'T RIGHT. That **** would hurt my feelings. Be a Women, NOT A FOOL!

Answer 7

I urge you to get marriage counseling ASAP. I think you should not include a 3-some in your marriage. You are right, its wrong and gross! He may be having problems from being gone so long. He should agree to see someone about it. Being @ war is a hard thing to deal with. He may need to deprogram. Force him ,on his own, to decide to be faithful to you. If he isn't. Then you have no biblical obligation to stand by him. God Bless/Good Luck

Answer 8

You may have already lost him dear. I don't mean any harm by telling you that. It's just that he may not be the same person you married. Decide what YOU can and cannot live with. Respect yourself and look ahead. What kind of a future is this going to be? To give up your beliefs for something you find distasteful to please someone else will not make you happy. You love him, but will this cause you great unhappiness? You have to live with your decision, it's your life.
Pray for wisdom and do what you know in your heart to be right.

Answer 9

Sigh...
It's time for counseling.
He's been through a lot there, you've been through a lot here.
Don't try to get through this alone.
To salvage your relationship, get the professional help the military provides.
Get counseling together, get counseling separately.
Be willing to do what it takes to get the life you really deserve.
Don't go down this suggested road.
It would only lead to heartache for you.
After all you've endured, it's time for you to fight for what's yours.
From what you've written, I believe you're strong enough to do this.
Go after the free resources that will help you with this.
Good luck.

Answer 10

I strongly recommend marriage consoling and perhaps sex therapy. Under no circumstances cave into his demands for something you don't want and DO NOT let him go out and have trysts "to get it out of his system", your assumption that he'll only want it more is probably correct.

Answer 11

1. Stop trying to get pregnant. Do not bring a child into your mess.

2. If you don't like it TELL HIM. Some people are into that, others are not.