My ex is asking to keep our children at his place except...?

Question

I don't trust him. He was a drug user and was selling drugs out of his current place of residence.
He now says he is clean and the his place is clean. His girlfriend was a crack whore too and I don't trust them at all.
I have full custody and decide when, where and how long these visits happen. He said that his girlfriend will not be there and that his house is not known for selling drugs anymore but I don't feel safe knowing that what if there was one person who didn't know that he sold drugs and shows up all messed up around my kids.
I Don't want them to go, but their going to be so upset that I denied their fathers request to visit. They miss him so much. How do I tell him without it becoming a big fight.

Answer 1

You KNOW the answer to your question. Trust your instincts. If you've been given full custody, there's a good reason.

I looked at your previous questions to find out how old your children are. At 8 and 6?, they still need supervision from a responsible adult. By your previous questions, I doubt Dad will provide the type of supervision they're used to from you.

The bottom line is...until you feel you can trust him or until he has been "clean" for a minimum of 1 year, keep the visits with Dad short. A few hours at a time at the Zoo or miniature golfing, etc. That way he gets to see them, they get to see him, but they can't get into too much trouble.

Trust your Motherly instincts. They're usually right.

Answer 2

Being a drug user is one thing.. its bad.. but thats one thing. A person can clean up, and be a productive parent. My biggest concern would be the fact that he USED to sell drugs. (Are you sure he doesn't anymore?) My thought is that when you are a drug dealer.. you can make enemies, people know you have money - which makes you a target for robbery, etc. You dont knwo what kind of people have been coming ot his house, or who he has pissed off. First.. I'd make a stipulation that he moves, and moves out of the neighborhood. And then go from there. If he cares about his kids, he will see the logic in it, and do it. Besides one who wnats to start a new life, needs to start a new one. I would attempt some type of supervised visits for a while, don't just jump into the whole thing too fast.

Answer 3

First of all, if this man was a drug user and dealer he is ovbiuosly bad. You should not trust him at all. I dont know how old your kids are but it does nto matter you have custody and he is playing Mr. nice guy and then when he has your kids he won't give them back. If your kids want to see there father go take a visit with them to him like once a week and if he improves then let the children slumber there 1 every other week, But your children need to stay with him with some sort of professional supervision search the internet maybe. Good luck.

Answer 4

You didn't say how old your kids are. Your ex is trying so I'd give him that much. But I wouldn't trust him either. If your kids are old enough, they can tell you what's going on w/ basic question, but don't grill them(you'll look like the bad guy). Why not just let them spend the days w/ their dad, but no overnight stays. Over time they'll figure him out. Your kids can't help he's a loser. They'll love him no matter what. Just keep your ears to the ground and document EVERYTHING they tell you.

Answer 5

Being the mature mom that I am I would surely allow the kids to go and stay at Dads house. I would not argue or judge. If there is any kind of danger there you should be there. What is wrong with people today. Just because he was a louse he does not have the right to be with the kids. Grow up and show your kids how to act. Join in like a good family and teach the kids that they can make their own judgment calls and you will be right by their side while they make their own decisions. I swear this can be a real situation. My kids detest their mom but it is not my doing. We were there with them threw everything and she is more than welcome to be here with us. But the kids will not show up if she is around.
So be It. We never said a bad word about her. This is her own doing. Our kids love us very very much.... signed the wicked step mom with wonderful step children that love me very deeply.

Answer 6

Well, there's 2 options in this, 1) tell your ex that he has to gain your trust back before they can go or 2) Tell your kids that they are unable to go, yes, they would be upset, but at least you know they are safe, and safety is a mothers main thing to protect for her children

Answer 7

If both of you genuinely love your children, and want what's best for them, you will consult with a mediator (Domestic relations court can probably give you a list of potential referrals), and come to a fair and reasonable solution to this problem.

I sense that your attitude toward your ex still harbors anger or bitterness, ie. referring to his girlfriend as a "crack whore" doesn't sound very mature. To suggest, e.g., that she has a "questionable history with drugs, also," might give you more credibility with a counselor - AND your children.

Good luck, your children are in my prayers.

Answer 8

the children have rights to see their father although if there in any sort of danger you as the legal guardian have to right to check the living conditions out !!! tell him the children can come if you can check it out first and leave him with the thought that you might appear there at any time during the kids stay .and do just that check it out for the safety of your children take someone else with you that is neutral to you and him.

Answer 9

Well if you don't trust him tell him no and leave it at that and if he wants to spend time with your kids tell him to meet you some where to spend time with them and in that case you can make sure your kids are safe and aren't around any drugs plus they can have fun

Answer 10

stay with the kids at his house for a couple hours to see if it's all true.

tell him you will be back in 30 mins to check then come back every hour or so to check on what's going on until you are convinced.

give him a chance to prove himself.

if he is lying it won't be long before you know. you could also call his current friends and get references or even his neighbors. but give him a chance. you picked him to be your kids' father and you're stuck with him. good or bad.