Including me, my husband and our daughter we had 9 for Thanksgiving. We had invited my husband's Aunt Nancy who declined to attend as she had already made a commitment elewhere. After we all ate the Thanksgiving meal and cleaned the kitchen everyone in the house laid down for a nap.
Next thing I know the doorbell is ringing repeately. I got up and answered the door and lo and behold it is Aunt Nancy bearing a pound cake. I invited her in and apologized for not answering the door sooner but told her "we were not expecting anyone and we were all napping". This went right over her head and she asked would I show her around our new home! I told her this was not a good time "as we are all napping" (hint, hint). She looked dazed and surprised but caught on this time and left. Aunt Nancy is in her 80s - are old people exempt from exercising manners? Whatever happended to calling first and asking if it is a good time to "drop in"?
2007-11-23 01:28:27 · 26 answers · asked by Karen H 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Thank you all for your responses. In hindsight I wish I had invited Aunt Nancy to stay but I was only 1/2 awake and not thinking clearly. With that said, Aunt Nancy was invited to eat with us at noon not show up unnounced at 3:00 pm. And perhaps it is a Southern thing, but it is quite normal to take a nap after the Thanksgiving meal. It may be also be a Southern thing to always call ahead before showing up at someone's home regardless of whether or not one is family - I had always thought it was simply called "manners.". Thanks again.
2007-11-23 03:22:27 · update #1
If she is a family member, why does she need an appointment to visit her family, when it is know that they will be gathering for an event she was invited to ?
OK, so initially, she didn't think she could make it because she had other plans, then she probobly thought "Oh, I could just drop by to say hello" and it's not like she came and demanded to be served an entire dinner, in fact, she brought dessert, to pitch in for her share.
I have never heard of a communal nap after dinner, so it probobly didn't occur to her that she was interuppting everyone's nap time.
Look, your husband's aunt is 80 years old. She will most likely be gone soon. Why not try and enjoy these last few years she has, or at least let your husband her last remaining years. Whatever you do DON'T tell her off about this. (she really didn't do anything terribly wrong any way) If she were to pass away shortly, would you really want her last memory of your family to be that she wasn't welcome in your home at Thanksgiving ? (or at least, not without scheduling an appointment)
Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time for thankfulness and family. Lighten up, and enjoy your loved while they are here. I suspect you have other issues with your husband's aunt. I don't think you'd be going on about this, if it was an invited friend or family member that you adored.
If anyone was rude it was YOU. You should have given her a big hug and said "SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT AFTER ALL ! And thanks for the cake." The you could have put on a pot of coffee to have with the cake. There are 364 other days of the year you can nap.
I read your additional details. I have relatives in the south. I don't remember EVER taking a group nap after dinner. Perhaps a really young child or an older person would, generally it would be someone in from out of town for overnight, not a guest who could go home if they were that tired.
I remember this from my southern relatives, it was definitely SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY, not some legalistic focus on "manners". I can't imagine ANY of my southern relatives sending away an 80 year old family member for showing up "outside the scheduled" time unexpectedly. Shoot, I bet I could show up at my aunt's house TOTALLY unexpected, (without even a prior invitation) and she would be thrilled to see me !
That's how Southern Hospitality worked in my family.
2007-11-23 01:44:51 · answer #1 · answered by queenthesbian 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I can not say that she was rude
because of the fact that you did
invite her to your house. It would
have been nice of her to say that
thank you for the invite, but after
my commitment would it be okay
if I came over after wards? This
way you would have been expecting
her. Also when she did stop by
you could have said that you
would love to show her around
after everyone is up from their
nap. Ask her if she wanted some
tea or may be if she wanted to
lay down also.
Sorry to hear it went the way
that it did. Give her a call and
apologize for the misunderstanding
and that you were tired and were
not thinking at the time. See if
she would stop over and you
can show her your new home.
Good Luck!!!
2007-11-23 11:31:21 · answer #2 · answered by EMT-207 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Well, after all, you did invite her for dinner didn't you? She accepted your invitation, and came to your house, regardless if she came over after dinner or not. It was not rude for her to stop by. But it was rude on your part not to let her in and show her your new house, and let her visit for a while. Would it hurt you to let her in for a bit to say hi and say Happy Thanksgiving? I would imagine you hurt her feelings. The way my family and I celebrate holiday"s is, we have open house all day and night, and all family and friends are welcome to my house and if someone wants to bring a friend than they are more than welcome to do so.. If someone showed up 11pm, chances are, we still have a house full of people, sitting around drinking, laughing, having a great time, playing games and sharing old times together, I just hope that you do not ever regret or feel guilty for what you did to your step, Aunt Nancy... Not to mention, not only is she your elder, but people like Aunt Nancy are very sweat and kindhearted, and like to do kind things for other people, she may have canceled her other dinner party to be with you snot nosed people. My feelings are hurt for Aunt Nancy, You need to call her up and apologize to her. I can tell she has a kind heart, because she showed up with desert. I really hope you feel guilty buy the time you read my answer... I understand after eating turkey people get tired, but all nine of you need to have more respect. I hope you and your household learned your lesson...
Captain, Chris W T
ATP- Lear 45, B747- A318 - A380
CFI
2007-11-23 11:26:41 · answer #3 · answered by CaptainChris 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't say it was rude but of a misunderstanding and miscommunication.
Aunt Nancy had made a commitment for dinner, but wanted to show up later with the cake as an apology and good will. (though that part didn't get through to the host's family)...
The host got the confirmation Aunt Nancy would not be joining them for dinner and assumed Aunt Nancy would not be visiting at all...
2007-11-23 12:59:12 · answer #4 · answered by idahdespida 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
She knew exactly what she was doing, the thing is she wasn't smart enough to know how to do it......When she called to tell you she could not come, rather she should have said I have a prior engagement but would it be alright if I came afterwords for desert? I'll call you when I'm on my way.....Too bad, now everyone is stressed......You might call her at some point, and just tell her what you told us, read it if necessary, and invite her over for tea and pie, and then give her the tour of the new house.....I wouldn't invite her for Thanksgiving again as we do not need that kind of stress during the Holidays,especially after you went through all that work with preparing the whole dinner....
2007-11-23 22:55:49 · answer #5 · answered by mj 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
It is possible that she is not real clear in her mind anymore. I would have invited her to sit down with me for tea and enjoy her cake till the rest of the family got up from their nap. I think if she was really rude she would not have left.
I don't think old people are exempt from manners. But some do seem to think so.
2007-11-23 09:47:16 · answer #6 · answered by Iris R 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I agree that this was a bit much, but this might be just how she is and you are right to think that her age makes her feel entitled to do as she did. She thought that you would go ahead and let her in since you invited her in the first place and she came bearing the cake. I would send her a card saying something apologetically that you were not expecting her and you would like her to attend the next event you have planned on.....
You don't want her to hold a grudge about this and you don't want her to think that YOU were the rude one.
2007-11-23 09:38:53 · answer #7 · answered by Indya M 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think all y'all don't know what your talking about, and don't know anything about manners. Yes, she's old, but she is in perfectly good health. Manners apply to everyone, old or young.
Maybe Karen is right, maybe it's just a southern thing.. but down in the south, manners AND naps are very important.
2007-11-24 17:17:29 · answer #8 · answered by Christine Trifiro 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree that it was YOU who was being rude. Perhaps she cancelled her other appointment just so that she can attend your party?? And maybe she planned to surprise you and make you happy with the pound cake??
I'm sure you hurt her feelings by subtly sending her out. Besides, you invited her anyway, and she's old and probably sweet, being in an age where all that matters to them is make those younger than her happy before her time comes.
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!
2007-11-23 09:54:07 · answer #9 · answered by joshbax_88 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Aunt Nancy is in her 80s and might be a bit senile. She might have forgotten she refused dinner. She might have thought she was welcome to come later. She might not hear very well. I think you were rude to treat her as you did. You could have said no to the tour - but had a piece of pound cake with her.
In our family holidays are a sort of "open house" day and anyone is welcome anytime.
2007-11-23 11:22:20 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋