How to accept the family I've got (when they drive me crazy and disappoint me)?

Question

Basically, my family is really small and not very close. I had a lot of hurts in my childhood.

While my family members are not horrible people, I just can't help but feel disappointed because they are not the family I wish to have. We are not close, I can't "tell them anything," we don't hug or show physical affection. Basically, I just don't feel that close to them and a lot of times they make me angry. We have a very ambivalent relationship.

We're all getting together for the holidays (which almost never happens) and I'm afraid it will be a difficult experience. My mom, in particular, knows how to push my buttons. I pride myself on being a really kind, thoughtful, caring person, but I feel like I'm the opposite around her because she can upset me so much!! Then I feel like I'm a mean and shameful person.

How can I learn to love the good things and ignore the bad about my family?

Answer 1

You can chose your friends, not your family. Love them for who they are.

When it comes time to start your new family, you've seen the mistakes and you can make yours better.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

Obviously you are worried about this. However since you said everyone was getting together for the holidays, which seems to never happen, take that as a possitive approach instead of thinking negative.

Can you talk to a few of your siblings before hand just to get a feel on how they feel about the getting together for the holidays.

I personally can't stand my family either, well I should say my mom. she is a very nasty person, who never has anything nice to say, but always finds one reason after another to be rude. She will come right out and say a specific dish someone made is absolutly terrible. She is just an extremly unhappy person who wants company. I've finally told her i know longer want her negative comments or her in my life anylonger. It has taken me years to get to this point, but she brought it on. I too wanted a different family life. I saw my friends have what seemed a happy family life with structure, sitting down at the table and having dinner together everynight, just little things. I never had that. My mother brought 7 to many children into this world because she is completely incapable of having any type of normal relationship. I strived to keep the family together when I saw it pulling apart. More and more of my siblings stopped coming around for the holidays because they too just could not take mom anymore. Now she b@#$#@#'s all the time and wonders why no one comes by.

She has been told by many of us the reasons, but she will not change. she seems to thrive on hurting others with no recourse. So, I told her if she ever rang my phone again and spoke to me the way she does, she better be ready for me, because I am so done with it all. She hasn't called since.

All I wanted was a mother daughter relationship. Sometimes we have to realize this may never happen in our life time.
Accepting it is the hard part.
If I were you, I would not place myself in a situation where you and mom will be standing alone or in the same room alone.
This will help you with the way the conversation goes some.
If possible just try to avoid mom as much as possible. Say hello, happy holidays the normal stuff and scram.

It is a true fact, we can choose our friends but not our family.
We either try and make the most and best of it, or we don't.

Try to go with a positive attitude and your guard up at the same time. If you are old enough now and mom pushes your buttons, you need to stand up for yourself and maybe ask her "What makes you say that?.
Good luck, she will not respect you until maybe you just put her nicely in her place. But do try and enjoy your family, take good positive conversation with you and maybe play some cards....

Answer 3

That may take some time. Just behave differently. Do it even though you don't feel like it. Hug your Mom and give her a kiss when you see her. It won't kill you and it may bring you closer together. Sometimes we have to act in a way we don't feel to bring about a desired change. If you don't do it, it'll never happen.

Answer 4

There is possibably no way! Are we twins or what? lol I feel the same way today and seem like all the time! My mom pisses me off and it's like she knows what she be doing. Hopefully If your 18 you can find you a place and move out or you can just deal with it like I'm doing. Lucky me I'll be 18 in July so I won't have to put up with her dumb *** that much longer! I know it's stange but my mother hates me!