Am I an enabler and being used and how do I fix this relationship?

Question

Do you think that a grown step-daughter, working full time and living at home with her dad and I should be paying for her room and board? Now add three children to this and me the step-grandma of 14 yrs (they refuse to call me grandma), I got them up, took them to and from school, fed them, cared for them daily, went to school programs with them 'cause mom was sleeping, etc. We have taken care of them for 5 months. The daughter works nights and sleeps days. Sometimes she did not even come home at 3:00 AM (like agreed upon), because a boyfriend got in the way. Are we, the grandparents wrong for not asking for room and board and childcare fees, I thought so? If you asked a grown daughter to pay her way, how much would you think would be right? When we asked her to help out, she moved out and is not speaking to us at all any more. She has moved in with different people 7 times in the last 4 months (with & without the kids) since she left. How do I mend this relationship with her dad?

Answer 1

Question: "What does the Bible say to do with a rebellious child?"

Answer: Jesus' parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32) gives us God's response to a rebellious child. Possibly the hardest guideline to follow in this story is how the father allowed his son to take his inheritance and make his own choices. He did not run after his son and beg him to return, nor did he continually berate him for his foolish ways. His son was of age and solely responsible for his actions (Deuteronomy 24:16, Proverbs 1:29-31). This doesn't mean that the father didn't love his son. In verse 20 we are told that he saw his son returning from along way off. This implies that his father was watching for his son daily, dearly hoping for him to return and repent. This is not easy but, if we have shared the Gospel and the instructions that the Bible has given us with our children, the final decision to live a Godly life lies with each individual. So, what are some things we can do to help? Here are some suggestions:

1. Live a Christ-filled life. Let your child see the difference that Jesus has made in your life through your actions, words and deeds (James 2:17).

2. Be ready with an answer. There will come a day when your child will want you to discuss your faith. Be ready for this by studying and memorizing appropriate Scripture. Talk to a pastor or a mature Christian that may have dealt with this problem themselves. Search out some resources at your local Christian bookstore. Remember not to be overly confrontational in your discussion. Share the truth with gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15) and with great patience and careful instruction (2 Timothy 4:2).

3. Pray. This cannot be emphasized enough. Pray that God would draw your child unto Him (John 6:44). Pray that you would have an opportunity to share with your child the pain that he or she is causing you, and that God would give you the words to say (Mark 13:11). Pray that God would bring others into his or her life that would show him or her the error of his ways. Ask other Christians to pray for your child. Don't give up! Pray that your child would know Jesus as his Savior and friend, for that is the will of God also. Your sincere prayer has great power (James 5:16). May God grant you patience, love and understanding during these trying times.

Recommended Resource: The New Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson.

Answer 2

Dear 2nd mom you cannot fix the relationship between the father and his child he has to step up to plate and talk to his daughter about what he expects from her financially because it seems as though when asked to give she runs to anyone WHO will open their door and probably when they get tired of the mooching she runs elsewhere so if she can't or won't help out with some of the financial responsibility then she should be looking for her own place so that she can get a taste of the real world right now she has it made because of the two of you stepping in and taking up her slack anyone can have children but everyone is not a real mom tough love is needed here it's the only way to maybe reach this young lady who seems to think you all owe her something, good luck but the talk is needed to at least get things out in the open and on the table so that it doesn't start to have negative affect in the house and the kids.

Answer 3

They are grown adults and if they wish to act this way, then they can decide how to live their lives. It was not unreasonable for you to ask for some financial help. They were taking you for granted and need to learn some responsibility for themselves. They are now having to learn a lot of things the hard way. All you can do right now is just let them do their own thing and when they ask if they can come back, then set down some rules beforehand that they must agree to, including room and board. There's only two ways that this relationship can get fixed. One is that they grow up and learn how to become more responsible. And the other is you giving in and letting them have their way in walking all over you.

Answer 4

Well, she could have chipped in a bit of money to help you but the fact that she is working and yet moved in with so many others in the last 4 months tells me she is either having emotional problems or spending money carelessly. To start off, talk to your husband and tell him you were wrong to have asked for the room and board - whether you believe it or not - and try to get her back with you for everyone's sake. then since she sounds like she may have some self esteem problems you can try to get her to go somewhere like the site I will give you to help her get her life together and perhaps you may get some useful help there as well. If she doesn't and something happens to her, your husband will perhaps never forgive you but if you help her get her life together and find happiness, she will never stop loving you for the help. Good Luck to you!