Our daughter has hurt my husband and I very badly all because we wanted to go away for a long weekend?

Question

I have been looking after our 14month old granddaughter since my daughter returned to work in April.We were invited to stay at some friends for the weekend and she told us she needed 4weeks to book it off.I only get her shift rota the week she is doing and besides my husband works shifts and we have only been away once in 8months.She works in a shop as assistant manager and works over quite a lot.My husband told her we wanted to go thursday evening as he didnt want to travel on a friday as he has a bad back and didnt want to be sat too long in traffic.Well to cut a long story short we felt we had been taken advantage of long enough and decided to stand our ground and instead of doing all the running about we have told her that they must drop and collect our granddaughter off at our house when she is working.Up to now when she works a late our granddaughter has slept at our house.On the days she does days my husband drops her off home which is a 36mile round trip,which makes it a long

day for him as his journey to work is an 80 mile round trip.We haven't objected up to now as we adore our very precious first gradchild.After the way she put the blackmail on about putting her daughter into nursery etc I told her that she was putting her job before her baby and we are expected to be flexible but if we want to do something we now have to give her a months notice,so thats why we dug our heels in.I had the guilt put on me as her partner doesn't finish work till 10.30pm and she finished at 6today and because we said we weren't going to run after her as a taxi service she accused me of rejecting her baby.We had no intention of making her wait till 10.30 as we wouldn't do that to our granddaughter but we wanted to make her see just what we do,do,but it has all backfired and she has accused us of keeping her baby away from her even though up to now we have revolved our life around her needs.She ordered us out of her house and said she was putting our granddaughter in to a >

nursery.Then she said they are going to move and not tell us where they are going.According to her we are rejecting her baby.We absolutley adore her and even offered to take her with us but they hate the people we are visiting they said and said no.I have her even though she isn't sleeping through the night and I would do anything for any of them but this has been a little bit too much tonight hence the reason I am still up.I cant stop crying.We haven't been able to go away after all this due ti the fact one of our dogs isn't well.All I kept being told is YOU DONT WORK,you dont have to change shifts I do.I told her she is putting her job before her baby and i was told if she gave her job up they would lose there house.I am aware of the fact she has no choice but to work but we ask nothing of her and its almost as if we are the ones being done the favour being allowed to childmind.We have helped them out financially and even buy everything for the baby when she is here,nappies.What>

would you do?We are devastated as we dont know when we are going to see our granddaughter again as she has found someone to care for her tomorrow.Its emotional blackmail and I know it is as she said she wont see her baby if we dont bring her home when she is on an early and although she doesnt want me to miss out on seeing her we wont be able to as when she isnt with them she will be in nursery.I called her bluff and said "OH SO YOU HAVE FOUND A NURSERY THAT WILL BE FLEXIBLE AND LOOK AFTER HER WEEKENDS AND UNTILL 10 or 11 AT NIGHT THEN?I am beyond heartbroken as a little baby is in the middle here.My friend said they still want the perks of being single and up to now they have just left her with me.I just despair.She could earn as much packing shelves if she was that keen to be with her baby,I told a few hometruths and now I am being made to feel the bad guy.Someone help me as all I see is two selfish people putting there needs before there baby.Dont I have any rights?

I did give my daughter notice of a week,as I said I only get her rota on a sunday and rather than let them down I had eye surgery which they knew about 2months before and I still took care of her even though I could barely see.In answer to emie77.I know how she got like this because this stupid mother spoilt her,I taught her to be a kind caring person along with her sisters,she is 30 so not a baby,but somewhere along the lines because I tried to be super mom and dealt with everything they think I am a commodity and not a human being.So yes this is my own fault.

Telf,I think you have your wires crossed somewhere or maybe I am just too distraught and not making myself clear.I want to take care of my granddaughter,all we wanted was this weekend off,we gave her a weeks notice and the point I have been trying to make is my husband and I have bent over backwards to fit in with all my daughters shifts.I was sick with a tummy bug on aday I was due to have my granddaughter and my husband canceled his noghts overtime to look after her.When he pointed this out to her she said I didnt make you.He did it to help her out because it was such short notice and we didnt like the idea of her being worried.We canceled a meal out this week because our son in law was offered some overtime and we were asked to look after her.I am afraid it is all take and has been for a while.My husband isnt in the best of health but our granddaughter is what keeps us going and we are in deep shock at what happened.What would you do if it were you.Be a doormat or stand your ground?

Thankyou for those kind words little pink apple,I think you realised it isnt us saying we dont want our precious angel,its our daughter threatening us with putting her in nursery which up until today she was right against doing.I cant shut my eyes because all I see is her little face.Anyway thankyou for being so kind.

Answer 1

I'm a similar age to your daughter with a little girl of my own and I think you sound like a fantastic mother and grandma, you've been above and beyond the call of duty, (never mind what certain other people on here say) Unfortunately she sounds really childish and mean spirited (sorry, I know she's still your daughter but I'm just trying to be honest). I know you must feel heartbroken but the important thing is to keep the channels of communication open as you don't want to lose contact with your granddaughter, so you should probably refrain from telling her anymore home truths, even though you're probably right, you're also incredibly hurt right now. Just bite it back,honey.You'll feel that hurt for years but just think of your wonderful little granddaughter and the time you spend with her as the reward for biting your tongue. I'm sure once your daughter realises that paid child minders/nurseries won't put up with her behaviour she'll have a change of heart. Don't allow anyone to make you feel guilty for wanting to have a break especially as you volunteered to take the baby with you. I think you and your husband sound wonderful. Hope it works out for you. I wish you all the luck in the world. X

Answer 2

Your daughter seems to have convinced herself that it is your job to bring up her daughter as if she were yours.

She wants the same love and care that you gave her, including the being ferried around all the time.

You must have been a very good mother and I am sure that you are an excellent grandmother.

State your case firmly but calmly. You are neither of you getting any younger and though you are pleased and proud to help out, you do need the opportunity to lead the last third of your lives the way that you want with the freedoms that you want.

Write down just what is is you are prepared to do for your daughter and the limitations on what you will do. Explain to her that is has nothing to do with loving her or your granddaughter, but everything to do with your and your husband's emotional health and well being.

Once she has had time to get over her own feelings of guilt and devised a plan that can work for both of you, things will calm down.

You have to remember to address her inner adult, not the child you brought up and things will be fine after a while.

Answer 3

Right, amended version, Now you have got everything down.

Im afraid from what you say I Still have to sympathise with your daughter, be it with some reservations.

When you agree to look afer your granddaughter you were making a committment to your daughter.

You knew when you did this what would be expected.

If you now decide that this is too much of a commitment then you should give her adequate notice to get a childminder.

Do you expect her to call into her work to say she cant come in because you are off for the weekend?

This is the trouble with help from family. people take the offer because it is free and to avoid offending anyone. With a childminder you have a contract, with family there is only good faith.

Your daughter is taking advantage of your good faith. That is clear, but she is doing this so far because you have let her and she has come to depend on you.

Certainly back off from providing free child care, but realise it is partly your own fault that this situation has developed.

The argument you have had with your daughter will pass, I hope. The net situation is still that you want to have the regular access to your granddaughter with all the flexibility to not take her when it doesnt suit you.

Your daughter needs the reliability of a contractual obligation.

You need to try and pour oil on the waters a bit here.

Laying demands on your daughter and refusing to help unless by your rules will certainly drive your daughter away.

But the situation as stands is unworkable in the long term.

Try and get your daughter to meet up with you, somewher neutral can be a good idea, go for a coffee or something.

Explain that you still want to help but cannot keep up the level of committment that you had.

Possibly instead of cutting down on the daily hours you can take her, possibly see if you can take her less days but for the same times as now, with a nursery the rest of the days, giving you a break but still seeing your granddaughter.

I doubt if once things have cooled off if your daughter will stop you seeing your granddaughter, as I am sure your granddaughter will be keen to see you, especially as you have been such a big part of her life so far.

She was out of order to threaten it though, but to keep things calm and improving it would be a big bad idea to tell her that.

I do feel for you, it is alway difficullt dealing with family. But blood is thicker than water. Be straight with your daughter, but be fair. Dont start mud slinging, and I have every faith you will be able to sort this out so that you are both happy.

Good luck.

(Sorry for this appearing in dribs and drabs, Im on nightshift and keep having to go and work.)

Answer 4

Big Momma,

Wow your daughter is selfish! Tell her straight you cannot look after her child any more you have your own lift to lead. You did not retire to look after grandchildren no matter how much you love them.
It's unlikely she will stop you seeing your granddaughter she will want contact with you at some point, just be strong now and tell her NO. She is manipulative, and the child is HER responsibility not yours, you cannot farm children out to just anyone, a child minder is experienced, it is good for the child to interact with others the same age learning social skills which your daughter obviously did not.
I wish you all the best and just be firm with your daughter and don't let her rule YOUR life.......get on with your life and enjoy it.

Answer 5

Your daughter is being selfish in only seeing her own needs. She could have asked a friend if they could take her daughter during the time that you two were going away. She should be grateful for all that you have done for her already. She needs to understand that you two aren't her personal babysitters and that you do have things that you want to do as well. And if she gets upset, then let her. She only has herself to be upset with as she has been inconsiderate.

Answer 6

although i'm a granny myself with no little grandkids, i understand child care is really expensive. i'd go on calling her bluff as the chances are she's going to come badly unstuck when she has to pay for some of what you've been doing. how long will she be able to afford that? my guess is, she'll soon come running back when she has to look after her own child. you've been wonderful to them so don't feel guilty. i do hope you'll be able to see your little angel soon. diane.

Answer 7

Well Big momma I'd never do that to my parents. I feel bad for your granddaughter.. she must feel like a burden. You should outright refuse to cover for your daughter. Once a person learns to take advantage of you, it is terribly hard to show them that you won't take it from them anymore. Good luck.

Answer 8

well she is clearly out of line and needs to take responsibility for her own actions in having a child.

How did she get like that?