Should I try to change my 15 yo daughter o just accept her behavior?

Question

She's an honor student, wise, responsible, a good heart, even volunteered for social activities. Sure a great girl. Unfortunately she has an extremely strong resentment towards us and at home she's like a stranger. Avoid talking, avoid sharing her life with us, never askes for out advice, unles when there's no other choice. When she got in the honor rolll she didn't tell us. She got resentfil because 2 years ago she went through a crazy phase, did some bad stuff, git disrespctful, joined bad crowds, was somewhat mean to her lil sister. We had to be hard on her and unfortunately it took some time for her to straighten up. When she finally decided to changed she apologized for her mistakes but siad we had been to harsh and hadn't acted as living parents. Anyway she asked for out trust and since she didnt get it it immediately but had to earn it bach she got in despair. She proved to be trustworthy and now makes us proud, but is a stranger. Shoould we do something or just accept this?

Can this go to her adult life if we don't do anything about it?

Answer 1

i have a 13yo step daughter and at my age, i had to learn how to be a good teen parent and im a psychology major which makes this very interesting for me.
no.1 thing u have to remem when u talk to teenagers is that u have to talk TO them not AT them. my step daughter loves me that im more of a bestfriend to her which i prefer than just a step mom. she values my opinion and actually listens. i try to obsever her and her dad when they interact and i noticed that my husband, as a parent tends to become defensive as a parent--he tends to talk AT her, sometimes starting to yell at her and i noticed that she clams up when that happens. so i tried to do it differently and it worked. teenagers are very hard to understand but we went trhough the same thing so our experience should give us clues on how we want things done, how we want to be talked to and stuff. anyway, my point is, since she has clamed up, try talking to her. talk to her as if she is NOT ur daughter but a very dear best friend. DONT force her to open up. let her decide that because forcing her will only make her clam up more. it will take time. try asking too why she is mad at u. if she doesnt answer at all, just be patient--tell her that u'll wait for her and that u love her very much. let her know too that past is past and that u have forgiven her and that u are very proud of her and will always be. but take it a day at a time. just remem that u have to talk TO her not AT her. that is one trick that i have used and successfully gained my step daughter's trust.

Answer 2

Sounds like things actually have turned out pretty good, as she could have really fallen off the proverbial cliff a few years back, and didn't. Her answer that you were too harsh, I suspect, is not actually a truthful answer for her attitude today, but more an attempt to throw guilt onto you. Parent/child relationships easily survive punishment issues, a grudge is not held (outside of outrageous behavior) but it's also very easy to "use" the issue as an excuse. I think it would be a mistake to react to this, realize her age and how difficult that is, and let her fix her own brain. She's too old now and will likely react badly to anything you might do. As long as she's not breaking the basic rules, give her room, is my advice.

Answer 3

More than worrying about her adulthood, warm her upto u in the present moment. Just Love her and give her Love. U persistant show of affection will open her upto you and make her family again.Many a times things go inside a persons mind more than appears on the surface, tht doesnt u need dig in to know wht they are, give her love , and give her the option that ur always there to help her if she needs it, tht way indirectly people are more willing to ask for help, they feel they have the right to act outta their wish and not by force or ne other thing

Answer 4

So, you pushed her away by being oberbearing, and now you wonder if it'd help if you forced her to change right now, instead of letting her come to you?

My advice? I haven't spoken to my mother since I was 16 (In my 30s nowadays), and I don't intend to. After my parents divorced, she went the way you guys seemed to have done... I might have been a little a**hole at the time, but I fixed things by myself. Her constant hovering didn't help.

When I wanted distance, I got more and more pressure, so I chose to cut her out completely. On the other hand, my father allowed me to be me and we have an excellent relationship.

Trust me on this, you can't force love. I'd vote for accepting, for now. Give her time, and show trust and she might one day speak to you. Follow your own methods, EARN her trust.

Answer 5

some female :
ALL HER ANSWERS ARE SO FAR OUT THERE.
Been There Done That Be Careful as u never think what they r capable of or what they will do.
Try not to make the same mistakes I have, read my Post and u will understand.
I raised my girls to be strong, be independent,get an education. (She has no interest in that) for all the good that did me w/ my oldest. As I don't know her anymore nor do I care to.Maybe that sounds HARSH but the things she has done are unforgivable!!! She could say anything to me or about me as I simply don't care. I don't have the time to even let it bother me as i know what kind of person I am ,My KARMA bank is overflowing. But the abuse she has shown her father at this time in his life I will never forget or forgive.
I am NUMB .And I'm Oh So Done with her TOXIC Personality.

Answer 6

This will porabably end, she feels really bad about you having to deal with her in that way. Being a teen ager is really hard, you want your life to mean something special and feel as if no one can understand this when, really, every one feels just like that but expresses it in a different way. Because of what happened, she feels like you don't understand and if you try to convince her that you do understand it could make the situation worse- as if you're trying to force something on her... like normality.
As she grows older things will start to make more sense to her, but you've got to express in some way that you trust her. Trust is one of the main things that teen agers want, it's very important that they feel trusted. If she doesn't believe she's trusted by you she'll feel that it is you who are being strangers to her and you who do not understand what her basic needs are... and therefor she feels as if you are not paying any attention to what she is trying to comunicate.

Answer 7

there might have been something done to her in life that she feels like she cant tell you some moms get to hard on there kids over thing that should worrier about you might try to ask if some one maybe hurt her when i was about her age i shut down i didn't have parent in my life she might not think you care about her school tell her that you do and if she has events at school go that will show her you care about her age kids think they don't need you anymore but they do just show her you there be a mother and a friend i hope i was some help to you and good luck

Answer 8

I don't think that's all that abnormal. I'm an adult and most of my adult friends don't tell their parents things or ask their parents for advice or anything like that. Most people like to keep their personal life apart from their family life. Personally, I think most things are none of my parents business.

It's more talked about among teens, but I'd have to say most adults don't rely on their parents like you want her to. Accept it. She doesn't need you as much anymore.

Answer 9

i know it is really hard trying to change someone but teenagers go a little bit cooky throught their years so you've just got to be supportive and talk to her. i know its so hard to see but she'll be okay, she's just going through something, like with people at school maybe or she is trying to figure out who she is, highschool will do that to you. So just make sure your supportive and show that your always there for her. It will take time and patience but she'll come around.

Answer 10

Her strong resentment towards the parents has its root in her own demeanor in the past.Now instead of accepting the blame on her self and repenting for it, she is taking it out on you.As elders you cannot err like her. You have to express your trust in her, admit her in all your activities, ask for her opinion on various day to day matters and let the past forgotten gradually.None of you should abandon her.