How can I help the man I am seeing adjust and transition?

Question

to coming home after serving a tour in Iraq? He is really struggling with the transition and feels bad that his tour is over and he is home but he still has friends and team mates over there. It is almost like he feels guilty about being home. I dont know how to approach this or help him. It hurts me to see him struggling and feel so sad. Obviously I support him 100% and will do anything to help him out but need some advice on how to do it.

Just FYI I am former military myself, having served in the first Iraqi conflict under the great George H. Bush. Although I never went overseas to Iraq during the conflict I DID have many friends and teammates who were over there. I have never been AS close or intimate with anyone who has seved directly in a combat role.

United States Marine Corps ~ 2111
1990-1994
Semper Fi to all my Brothers and Sisters around the Globe!!

That is mainly what I am trying to do. I dont want to push him so I just tell him that I love him and if he needs me I am always ready and willing to listen to him when he is ready. I thank him all the time for his service and tell him he is my hero...and I truly 100% mean it every time I tell him.

Thank you to everyone who has responded and Semper Fi back to you fellow Marines out there giving me advice.

Ambri...

He was actually recalled to activate his unit for Hurricane Katrina as a clean up crew in New Orleans when it happened. Thanks for the info...I really do appreciate it.

Answer 1

Greetings. PTSD is a *****. But fortunately not recognized as anything by our military. they send people back to hell who are suffering from it all the time. Like they say. it is easy to ignore someone else's pain. I went through it. it is a ***** of the first water. as for survival syndrom because he wasn't waxed with his comrades, that is a real mind blower. I spent years dreaming about that one. Kept turning a body over and finding it was wearing my dog tags. Never saw the face, but just the blood and the dog tag. dream implyed that it was someone who took my place when they surveyed me out of the hospital to go home and die. that if I would have healed faster he would not have had my dog tag number and wouldn't have died. could have lived and raised his family instead of dying for me. I know that a service number is not reissued. But in the dream it is. Sometimes what one who has PTSD needs the most is just touch with someone that they know cares. They don't need the crap of "lets relive it a couple of thousand times" like the VA thinks is best. Sort of like a bad cut on your brain that is healing and the mind is growing a scab on it. Tearing the scab off by trying to get rid of the cut by making believe it is not there does nothing but make it worse. You have to let it heal. love the advice you get to bring it out in the open and all will be better. Never heard of anyone being cured by that. Going back into combat doesn't help it either. It is not a rational thing that is bothering you on PTSD, it is a irrational one brought on by stress and being forced to do things that your mind cannot accept. And with PTSD it is a lot like smoking. You can quit and think you are cured. But you still light up a weed in your dreams, you still get cravings. Smell the smoke from someone else smoking and the desire comes right back to you nice and fresh. Old saying is that you finally stop thinking about it. about 30 days after your funeral. Until then the memory can be triggered, sometimes by the strangest things. I had one comrade that could not stand the 4th of July. On that day he had to take a ride way out into the forest far from everyone so he would not hear the fireworks going off or see the sky rockets or hear them whizzing up. It took him directly back to the 'Nam and he would crawl on the floor to get under cover. Agent orange finally killed him so it no longer bothers him. We all have things in the corners of our minds, his just aren't ready to shut the f--k up and leave him alone. I spent 9 years as a hermit in the north woods before I came to terms with my ghosts. sometimes it takes time and living long enough to heal. Nice to have someone who cares though. I didn't, maybe that was why I took so long.

Answer 2

Be prepared to listen to him. Don't ask questions. It's not "Oprah" or "Doctor Phil". If he wants to open up to you he will. Most veterans coming out of combat don't like to talk about it. There are tons of stories about family members just learning what someone in the family did during a war, just before that person passed away.
If he's feeling guilty, there is a term for it. It's called "survivor's guilt" brought about because his buddies got killed or wounded and he didn't. There's nothing you can do about that. He will come to terms with it after awhile and quit blaming himself.

Answer 3

First of all you will never understand what he has seen and been through, second, he does not want to talk about it, don't push him!!! you will only push him away, I was in the Marines for 30 years and have seen and done things you cannot understand, no matter how much you think you want to, somethings are better left alone, Don't push him, if he doesn't want to talk it's because he doesn't want you to know, just respect that!!! be there for him, that's all you can do. Give him my heartfelt thanks for serving, Semper Fi,

Answer 4

I want to say I liked BatCatc's response the most. I do think you need not to push him to talk about it, only to show your appreciation that he is with YOU. Have a coming home party if you can. Make him feel needed. Help him keep his mind off it when you can and give him space when he needs it. He may have nightmares and not be comfortable admitting feeling scared- which IS instinct. Many of his feelings may be unnacceptable in his mind even though he is only a human. Be prepared for the possibility of mood swings. Many have something called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and do not realize it. It is really, I think unavoidable and often surprisingly treatable with meds. Veterans group activities will be really good because they are the only ones who can really understand. Just make him feel needed right where he is. That's all you can do. Maybe even play helpless if in some way if you can. Respect his wishes. Don't be surprised if there is nightmares, night sweats.. soothing music to fall asleep may put the brain waves deep enough to not remember dreams. Facilitate email contacts with those who remain there. Adjusting to civilian life like sending care packages, and maybe even look for opportunities for him to help set up programs here for returning to veterans to help THEM adjust. Gov is spose to be coming out with new grants to help survivors and they want only veterans to work them - of course. Even volunteering with Red Cross Disaster Relief may be an outlet. Visit New Orleans? Finding people who recognize the contribution and giving them opportunities to express their gratitude that he did what he did and their expectation that he not overextend his turn because we want our soldiers to not press their luck to far to long. We want them home! Medicine can't hurt- even St. Johns Wort as a lil pick me up may be helpful. Google and study PTSD. Don't forget to take care of yourself and give yourself space to. Thats all so hard. Maybe he could speak at a school or something about it. Time will help to, so patience.

Answer 5

Guilt is common. I'm struggling a bit with that myself--my Brigade is heading to Iraq in January--I went on an extra deployment though and just got back in May from that one, so they told me I didn't have to do this one. It's not rational, but there it is.

TIPS FOR SOLDIERS:
Support good things your family has done.
Take time to talk with your spouse and children.
Make individual time for each child and your spouse.
Go slowly when reestablishing your place in the family.
Be prepared to make some adjustments.
Romantic conversation can lead to more enjoyable sex.
Make your savings last longer.
Take time to listen and to talk with loved ones.
Go easy on partying.

TIPS FOR SPOUSES OR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS FOR REUNION:
Avoid scheduling too many things.
Go easily in making adjustments.
You and your soldier may need time for yourself.
Remind soldier he or she is still needed in the family.
Discuss splitting up the family chores.
Stick to your budget until you’ve had time to talk it through.
Along with time for the family make individual time to talk.
Be patient with yourself and your partner.

TIPS FOR REUNION WITH CHILDREN:
Go slowly. Adapt to the rules and routines already in place.
Let the child set the pace for getting to know you again.
Learn from how your spouse managed the children.
Be available t your child, both with time and with your emotions.
Delay making changes in rules and routines for a few weeks.
Expect that the family will not be the same as before you left; everyone has changed.
Focus on successes with your children; limit your criticisms.
Encourage children to tell you about what happened during the separation.
Make individual time for each child and your spouse.

Answer 6

Usually time heals all wounds, but in this case time means sooner rather than later he will be returning to Iraq with his unit and the feelings of guilt will go away.

Answer 7

Well, you may not like what im telling you but heres what i think. I think you should love him and tell him that you understand about leaving his brothers in arms. but make sure you dont "baby" him too much because he may feel that everybody is feeling bad for him. If he is religious, take him to his pastor or rabbi or whatever religion he is and have him talk to him/her. Good luck and happy Thanksgiving

Answer 8

just be there. its soooo hard but you just have to sit by and wait for a little while. be there for him and tell him if he wants to talk you are there. support him and tell him how proud you are of him. his friends will come home but it will take time for him to realize that they too will come home. its a hard long road but it takes time to heal. war is something that has high impact on someone and you cant expect him to just snap out of it one day. time, support, and communication are the keys to getting through it.

Answer 9

i don't mean this disrespectfully, but you can't understand where he has been and as much as you want to help he may not want to let you in. what you can do is have him do is go seek help and be supportive of that. as strange it is, it's normal for him to have guilt for him to leave his friend behind. give it some time, hopefully it will get better. good luck to you.

Answer 10

well you know what he needs more than anyone can let him know that its his time to R&R and be by his side and tell him that you support him and show him also