Help! Just had an argument with my sister on the phone - any other views on this be appreciated - I am single?

Question

Mum to one lovely little 3 year old girl. Anyway, she has a severe skin condition and so is registered as disabled and is on an intensive evening/day treatment programme. I am her registered carer.

Since she was born my sister has never be of any pragmatic help - no-one has. I don't expect any medals, as any good parent knows you adore your kids and so get on with it.

The problem is my sister is so snippy at me - she thinks that being a stay at home Mum, without a partner and help is easy. She for example tonight when I said I had not had a great weekend as I was really ill (not that you can call in sick being a Mum! Just meant really long days...) and I said that I feel tired as I have not had a day off for 3 years.

At this comment she said that you don't get a day off having a child (I know that I just mean that since all the sleepless nights etc etc I have never had an evening/night/day break so feel worn out) that children are a lifestyle choice and that paid work

is much harder and important.

I found this really derisory - she has no kids so I feel does not understand the joy or the challenges that kids bring.. I don't think it is right to compare working or stay at home Mums - each has their challenges - working Mums being seperated from their children/guilt etc but also status and extra money whereas stay at home Mums have no social network/time off but do get time with kids.

Anyway, I am also studying for my degree (have gained my diploma) so even in the evenings put my efforts to hopefully better our circumstances later on but as I say my sister just thinks being at home as a carer is like having a holiday/time off all the time.

I am writing this in tears as that is not my experience at all - I feel tired, alone and unsupported. No-one ever helps and although I adore my daughter it is work and it is hard but for my family not to see this just makes me feel so worthless/lousy.

Even is someone helped when I was ill it would be

such a difference.

Sorry to moan on - just wondered what the outsiders view of this was? Feel so run down and worthless as I say - just wish she would stop making me feel like I don't work and have it easy. From my point of view I do the best I can in challenging circumstances but when she says this I just feel so so bad. She keeps doing it too.

Answer 1

Sounds like she is jealous of you, dont worry about it.

Answer 2

Hey my heart really goes out to you, well done for all you are doing and the fact that you are doing a degree on top of being a full time single mum is a real credit to you. I am a single mum with a 2year seven month baby and I know it is hard work. I think you really do need a night off every once in a while and a whole day to yourself. Lots of reports talk about the fact that children under three fare better at home with a parent then those who spend all day in creche. You are doing the right thing, but for your sake and your baby you both need time away from each other. I do not know how ill your baby is maybe it needs a specialised carer, you should talk to some one from the health board who may be able to arrange something once a week or even month. If not in special needs a family member or a close friend may help. Your sister sounds so selfish, maybe you should post the above to her, you were coming from the heart and maybe she needs to know how lonely you are and exhausted. I wish I could give better advice in the meantime I really hope you get the help you need and deserve, big love to you and your little girl.

Answer 3

I am a stay at home mum too! Unlike you though I am married but I know what you mean when people think you have it easy of you stay at home and that you have all the time in the world to sit around and do whatever. I always remind my friends and family that they leave there work I don't, I am at my place of work 24/7 and have constant reminders of my inadequacies (a big pile of ironing for a start!) Your daughter is ill and you are her carer, Im sure when she starts school that you might have an oppertunity to work.
She has no kids so she has no idea what it is like to be a parent. I can speak from both sides because I have 3 kids and I have worked full time and part time and now given up. I have a hard job but I do feel undervalued by my near and dear sometimes too. I don't think however, that you should let this rift carry on with your sister. Be the bigger person and ring her back first and just say you are sorry you fell out with each other and you would like her to support you in your choice to be a stay at home mum and you will support her too.
Never let the sun set on an argument or you will cointinue to be upset. Good Luck to you xx

Answer 4

OK you are tired your sister is tired.
She probably wishes she had children and maybe stay at home.
You wish you could go to work and earn more money for yourself and your daughter and are trying to take steps to just do that with a degree course but have the underlying worry of your daughters condition which your sister probably does not and will not be able to take on board until and hopefully never does experience it.

She may wish that she could take a degree course but is so tired after work she has not the energy and is envious of you for having it.

I do not think either of you is 100% right and I would not wish to apportion any blame.

The incident has bitten deep because you are at a low ebb and all I can suggest is you get a nights sleep. Sometimes Social Services have a form of respite care or know someone who does. It may well be worth a try for say 5 days away with your daaughter being looked after by someone else or time away with her wwhen someone else could take over some of the duties at night to ensure you get sleep.Are there any mother a child groups about say as is often the case with the local church (any denomination)

I am thankful that I have never had this problem and wish you well, so dry those tears wash your face get yourself a cup of tea and a biscuit or something to eat and, go to bed. Night Night and God Bless

Answer 5

I know how you feel, up until a few years ago I was a single mum of three very active, perfectly healthy boys (I have been married for the past few years) and it was terribly difficult. I had been on my own for over 3 years with them and was never able to take time off (not complaining, just fact) and at times I wish I could just find someone to keep them for just a couple of hours so I could recoup. There was a week that I had bronchial pneumonia and had no one to lean on. I felt horrible, not just physically but emotionally as well, because I was terrified I would get my babies sick.
Anyway, after all that has happened things have gotten easier as they have grown and I am sure things will work out for you as well. Never mind your sister, if she doesn't have any children she won't have a full appreciation of your situation. Good luck.

Answer 6

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior with out your permission."

I'm a single mother of three, and just acquired a part time boyfriend. I get the same thing from him.

The truth is parenting alone is an intimate experience. No one knows what your going threw but you. I can relate, lot of single mom's all over the world can relate. And you should look into some single parenting alliances, and support groups.

Don't pay any attention to what she's saying. It's like my six year old letting me she's going to the store to get us Christmas presents with a five cent piece. You can't hold it against her, because she has no idea what she's talking about. I do see that you are insecure about your roll in life, because you've let this get to your emotions. Either that or you hold your sister's opinion in such esteem that you'll let her bring you down.

You are the most important person in your life. If you weren't there to take care of your child, who would. You are so important. There is no telling what your child could become in the future, and thanks to you.

Don't let the opinion of one influence your life.

Answer 7

It just sounds like your sister is possibly having a bad day herself. As you have known for three years, choosing the profession of motherhood is an always rewarding, but always difficult profession at the same time. Sometimes, those without the experience of parenthood cannot fully appreciate the beating a parent's body and soul can take just from the constant caring of others.

Your daughter also has severe health issues. This adds to the stress. Even parents with healthy children might not respond to you as compassionately as they should.

You deserve to be treated with respect and care as well. And I completely understand your issue with lack of sleep or having a day off. I think the last daytime nap I took, or morning I slept in, was more than 12 years ago.

God bless your efforts! Your story amazes me. I am sorry it does not bring out the tender side in your sister. I would suggest patience, but you really need to spend it on your child and not adults who act like one.

Answer 8

I'm sorry that I cannot give any advise to you as I am a firm believer in brothers and sisters going their own way after they grow up and get out on their own.

I have three brothers all married and with children. We never visit.

My mother had five brothers and sisters and they all lived in different cities and states. Hardly ever saw each other.

Same with my dad.....he had six brothers and sisters. Sort of stayed in touch until their mother died. All live in other cities and states.

Most families that say they are "close" usually argue all the time. Family get together are a pain.

I think you need to get a girl friend to talk with. Or maybe a group that is going through what you are going through. How about hiring someone to give you a 24 hour break a couple times per month. So that you can rest and relax.

Do not call your sister. If she calls you, don't tell her your troubles. It is clear to see that she does not want to hear your woos.

Could it be that you are telling her your troubles too often and she is just very tired of hearing it over and over? Next time talk about something upbeat; something pleasant. Give her a break.

Answer 9

Your sister will never understand, she's never been in your shoes. It's kind of like teenagers, they believe adults don't understand them either, like they are the only ones who have problems.

I admire what you're doing and I'm going to say this: Being a mom has it's own rewards, but it doesn't have vacation or sick time, you won't be paid for it and there's no promotions or retirement package at the end.

While she is your sister, don't let what she said get to you, she's not the one doing what you're doing, hang in there. Sisters' can be your best friend and your worst enemy, they can also hurt you the most.

Maybe she had a bad day herself, so try not talking to her for a time, I think she will figure out on her own, how wrong she was for making such a broad generalization.

Answer 10

I HAVE 4 CHILDREN. MY MAN IS AROUND, BUT I DO 90% OF THE CARE TAKING. I'VE ALWAYS WORKED ON TOP OF IT. JUST HAD ANOTHER ABOUT 11 WEEKS AGO, SO I'VE BEEN HOME SINCE THEN, BUT WILL BE GOING BACK SOON.

*WE JUST HAD A CONVERSATION LAST NIGHT ABOUT THIS, BECAUSE HE WANTED TO STAY UP LATE. HE DOESN'T SYMPATHIZE EITHER. I TOLD HIM I WAS TIRED. HE SAID WELL YOU'RE AT HOME ALL DAY RIGHT NOW, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN'T SLEEP. MY OLDER 2 GO TO SCHOOL, BUT I STILL TEND TO A 22 MONTH OLD AND A 2 MONTH OLD, AND NO I CANNOT JUST LAY DOWN AND REST.. I STARTED TO GO INTO HOW I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MUCH SLEEP IN THE LAST WEEK, AND THEN I WENT ON TO SAY, WELL FOR THE LAST 2 MONTHS, OR ACTUALLY THE LAST 7 YEARS FOR THAT MATTER.

CHILDREN ARE WORK. PAY FOR A SITTER ONCE IN A WHILE AND TAKE CARE OF YOU!!

Answer 11

Several things:

1) Sis needs a major reality check.
2)If you are not married, then you are single. Whether you have a child or not has nothing to do with it.
3)It is true that you don't get days off from being a mom. But that doesn't mean you can't get help, such as a baby sitter.

And from what you describe, you really do need some help.

Good luck to the little girl.