My wife had our son-in-law arrested when he was 23 years old for sleeping with our daughter when she was 15 years old. He was convicted and sentenced to jail for 6 months.
He is now married to our daughter, and my wife has gotten over for what he has done. I disagree with my wife. He is now 27 years old, unemployed and is probably selling drugs. Should I try to get along with him and allow him to celebrate the holidays with us. I don't think so. And even if I did, I don't think it would set a good example for our other 2 daughters. That would be saying we will accept them for who they are, regardless of who they are with and who they will marry.
We still communicate with our daughter, who is now pregnant, and tell her we are still there for her, but I never want her husband anywhere near our house.
So should I continue to not allow our son-in-law to be a part of our lives, or should I let it go and accept him for who he is?
2007-11-21 08:01:37 · 17 answers · asked by rascoe627 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Ouch! You are in a tight!
My suggestion would be to discuss this with your family members who are still at home and present the problem as one of not so much acceptance of this dead head but to not be excluding of your married daughter who will forever need your emotional support. With this clear in the minds of your other two daughters and the idea that this will never discussed with their older sister, extend the invitation.
Be civil. Chances are that your married daughter will tire of this arrangement at some point in her life and will want out and will be a lot wiser for it, so there is absolutely no reason to poison the relationship. While you should always be respectful of others, you don't have to phony up that you like him, but by being tolerant and respectful, you will leave open the door for this man to make improvements and become the man that he should be.
Remember, your daughter found something of value in him.
2007-11-21 08:23:49 · answer #1 · answered by go2seek 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
For all your sakes, swollow your pride and your hurt of the past, and start changing your attitude towards him. If you ignore the past and concentrate on the now, you will get much further with both your daughter and son-in-law. Do you know what his childhood was like, not that any reason would be a good one I am asking, because if you could forgive him and start all over, you, your wife, your daughter, and your other two daughters will be able to relax, have a good thanksgiving, and really admire you for turning the tables around.
There is a time for forgiveness and she is now in her 20's and must choose for herself. Don't let your feelings for him hurt everyone at Thanksgiving and then you will all have memories of a good dinner together.
Do you want to be the bigger person? Invite him and when he comes through the door, shake his hand and say welcome
Keeping that resentment inside you is going to do you more harm than good, and by acting this way you will still have your daughter in your life. The other direction could push your daughter away and relations could be very bad.
As for your other two daughters, before the dinner take them aside and explain to them that you disagree with how your son=in-law handled himself in the past, but the past is the past, and you want everybody in the family to get on. Therefore you have invited him, for your daughters sake.
2007-11-21 09:04:04 · answer #2 · answered by Maureen S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
"That would be saying we will accept them for who they are, regardless of who they are with and who they will marry." So are you saying you dont accept them? I think as a father you should just tryto get over that. What was happening then was wrong but now they are married. At least your daughter isnt sleeping around with some unemployed bum. Just married to one now and that can be fixed. Talk to him as a man and let him know you want whats best for your daughter and her family, meaning him and the unborn child. You two will never be able to talk if he knows you arent over your anger. Life is too short to let meaningless crao like this affect you. Your daughter could have ran away with him when he was arrested and you might not even know that she was pregnant now and never see your grandchildren. The situation your in sounds a lot better than that example. At least this can be fixed. Good luck and happy thanksgiving!
2007-11-21 08:09:03 · answer #3 · answered by Vicky Lovers 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
And how do you know that he is probably selling drugs?
This is so hard, but how about for a change your son in law will try to change to better fit into your Family?
Is this possible? And how about your daughter? Does she know that he is selling drugs? Is she OK that he is unemployed?
Do you help them financially?
I have no answer to it, too many things are coming into play.
However if you keep contact with your Daughter it is wonderful.
I read all the other answers, and I do not think that your situation is so easy and you just have to accept it.
You are forced to accept it because of your Daughter....
Happy Thanksgiving with your Family! You are fortunate to have more than one daughter.
2007-11-21 08:23:43 · answer #4 · answered by cloud7 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow. God bless you and your situation, this is a tough one. Honestly, I would recommend a well qualified third party advisor to help here, as this is a very complicated situation. You obviously really love your daughter, all three of them, it shows in how you speak, but you have so many different dynamics in play here and so much on the line I think you have to step out and try some new things. You have your beautiful eldest daughter who is now pregnant with your grandchild, the father who you dislike for legitimate reasons, your wife, yourself and the other kids. I would seek out counsel from a well qualified and/or highly recommended family counselor, therapist or psychologist. This is about so much more than should you invite him over for thanksgiving, which by the way in my opinion is an overwhelming Yes, but I do not think this is really the issue. How are you going to work seeing your grandchild, your relationship with your daughter and the father of your grandkid for years to come? I mean as far as your anger towards this guy from his past and present transgressions I think you have to let that go for your pregnant daughters sake. She is where she is right now, you can't necessarily change that. She is pregnant by this man who in essence committed statutory rape on her in the past. Whether we like it or not he is going to be a part whether directly or indirectly in this and many more if not every thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays etc... Sounds like there is alot going on here.. Why did she pursue this when you disapproved and then to allow herself to become pregnant? I can imagine the combination of anger, sadness and hopelessness you must feel at times and I don't know your view on counseling but for the sake of the grandshild and other two daughters I would highly recommend finding someone you trust and feel comfortable with and letting them help you sort this out. Best of luck and please don't take me wrong I do not intend to anger, insult or further comlplicate your situation, but I have seen similar dynamics with friends and family of mine be resolved through work with qualified counsel. My intentions are pure, I want and hope you, your daughter, her mother, the father of the baby and the other two daughters can come together as a family and make this work in a healthy and positive way for everyone involved. It will not be easy but it can be done and judging by your seeking out advice today you seem like the man for the job. Best of luck and remember that sometimes the hardest work we do has the greatest rewards. Smile and enjoy this and every thanksgiving to come!
2007-11-21 08:24:26 · answer #5 · answered by jt2002champ 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Holidays are a time for be nice, put aside differences and maybe just for the day, judgements aside too. And who knows, you might be the one to make a difference and change things for the better by your bigger heart and kindness. And if your 2 other daughters see your actions, thay may do what you fear but that is their choice. You can make it clear that you dont like the behavior but accept the person. He will soon be dad to your grandchild so keep the relationship channels open, let him eat turkey with you.
2007-11-21 08:19:26 · answer #6 · answered by GisL4all 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you want to have your daughter and future grandchild in you life, you must accept that he is part of their life (for now). You don't have to kill him with kindness, but just be as civil as you can be...and let your daughter know that you will always love her and be there for her. She has made the decision to keep this guy in her life, and she is going to have to deal with that. As for your other daughters, talk to them, I am sure they can see their sister is heading down a hard road and they are learning a lesson from that.
2007-11-21 08:09:27 · answer #7 · answered by beaners1229 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that's a hard one... i myself would allow him there but wouldn't be his buddy. he has to earn your trust. but u have to remember you will have a grandchild in the world soon that is part of this man. and no matter how u look at it if it wasn't for him and ur daughter there wouldn't be a baby. no one says he has to be ur friend. but u can be a real man and let it go for the holidays....and do some serious thinking on how much u want ur daughter and grand baby in your life. rather u like it or not hes there and looks like hes staying...good luck and happy thanksgiving
2007-11-21 08:08:39 · answer #8 · answered by kitttkat2001 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you should tell him exactly how you feel about him. don't hide it because it will hurt your daughter. obviously he was the wrong guy to marry but she made the choice. so i would let him know that he is not gonna screw around in your house (pun intended). and i would also talk to your other daughters about why you are allowing him to be back in your home.
2007-11-21 08:06:14 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
My oldest had a creep like this in her life for 9 years, thank goodness he is gone now. We let him come over for Thanksgiving, coincidentally and he went upstairs and stole a bit of my jewelery. Live and learn, I wouldn't have him.
2007-11-21 08:14:53 · answer #10 · answered by Rein 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋