A Thanksgiving BLOW OUT!?

Question

Recently about two years ago, I reconnected with my father and step mother. I had been abused physically, and emotionally when I was a child. My father and mother divorced when I was two. (which was a good thing). My father was abusive in many ways. My father and step mother were here for Thanksgiving Holiday and we were having a great time. I had Gastric Bypass and my father is constantly commenting on my food intake, and commenting on if I should have this or that. Well, at the dinner table in front of several people he did it again. He said, "You better watch it!!" as I was serving myself. I felt embarrassed, I felt as though I can't eat in front of him because he will constantly watch me, and I don't need a babysitter. I know what I can eat, what my body can tolerate, and how much. Granted my eyes may be bigger than my stomach but it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to eat everything on my plate. And I have expressed this before when he would make comments and take food away

He got mad at me because I snapped back and told him that I didn't need a babysitter and that I know what I can eat etc. And I also mentioned that it was rude of him to speak out like that and I didn't appreciate it. He said that he was tired of all the B--SH--! I told him that I was sorry for snapping at him, but I needed for him to realize that I know what I am doing. I may make mistakes with my diet, and I will pay the price, but I don't need for him to constantly comment on what I am eating. He started to bring up my real mother and his parents and how everyone treated him badly and wronged him, and he was tired of everyone's BS. I was FUMED! I have warned him before to leave my mother out of our relationship that their relationship was done with for over 30 years now. And now he brings her up again, along with my granny and papo (his parents), and telling me about the people I love that hurt him and he's attacking them once again. We got into a heated argument, and I yelled!

Needless to say, they left last night. My step mother was crying and hyperventalating because she was so upset at my father and the way he is so angry all the time and can't let things go, and he turned to her and told her to "stop your crying!". He also told my husband that everytime he comes here to our house, he has to 'see it'. Meaning my real mother and the pictures I have of her and my step dad. All these daggum years, and he still can't recognize his own faults, and he is constantly attacking those family members whom I love. I can't take this any more. I love my father, but it looks like I'm going to have to love him from afar because he's obviously still has issues with the past and can't let it go and be happy. My father and step mother bought my son a bedset. It's almost a thousand dollars. I'm not sure if it's right to keep it, or will it offend them if I cancel the order, or should I just take it and then just pay them back? What should I do about my father?

Answer 1

Hey, lady_b, I can relate. I too have an abusive father who just does not respect other people's boundaries or choices. Also, the holidays seem to bring the best and the worst out of all of us. I am now thankfully separated from my father, since his abusiveness never really changed over the years; he just got better at it--more covert and clever.

Your dad on the other hand sounds like he has serious anger management issues and thus an explosive temper. The thing that I have learned over the years is to never argue with another person when they are blowing up like that. If this ever happens again, my cyberfriend, you are perfectly within your rights to leave the dinner table or wherever you happen to be, and to tell your father and tangently the rest of your family how you will and will not be treated. That you will be there for them and with them only if they treat you with the respect you deserve. On your end, you must make sure that you don't let them bait you into being disrespectful to them yourself--if this is the case. Family members sure know how to push our buttons. Someone, both funny and wise, once said it is because they created them.

This time of year I step up my own recovery and empowerment process. I attend support groups with other survivors of dysfunctional families; read books on recovery and relationships; pray, meditate, read, and write in the morning before I greet the day. All I'm saying is that if you take care of yourself, get the support you need, clarify your own boundaries, and find your own center, you will figure out how to stop dancing this dance with your father and your family.

Your father sounds pretty ill. When he takes sniper shots at you at the dinner table or elsewhere, like other snipers in the world, he is banking on you being a polite little good girl who is going to sit there and take it, thinking she is doing the right thing. Please know, as I know, that you are a good person, but that doesn't mean you have to sit around and take abuse from anyone--not even your father, who is way out of line when he acts like this.

Get strong, lady-b, and firm up you boundaries and convictions. He will see this. He will test it and resist the changes he sees in you at first. This is normal. Dysfunctional family members do not like change. But if you hold your ground and keep working on yourself, no one, and I mean no one, can stop you from making your own choices or hurt you against your will.

You are a fabulous person. Someone whose presence in the world, and in cyberland, I give thanks for. I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving. Stay in touch. Be well. I am glad you posted this question. I appreciate your courage and your honesty. Much love.

Answer 2

Your step father is a jerk is sounds like and was a jerk with your mother as well, which caused that divorce. First, you should write him a note explaining your position, that you resent him trying to raise you now when he was so abusive when you needed him as you grew up, tell him that he is welcome to your home as long as he can forget the past, as you have, and concentrate upon the future instead and if he can't do that it is better that you keep in contact by phone or mail rather than i person. As far as the gift, take it and send a not to your stepmother thanking her for it because she may well be in the same position your mother was in , married to the wrong man in a search for happiness. A favorite quote of mine is from Richard Bach in the book Illusions: "Rarely do members of the same family grow up under the same roof."
Those of us who have gotten to know you are a part of your extended family and you are a part of ours, and your stepmother may be as well and may need your support if you get along well with her and that marriage ends in divorce. It sounds as if perhaps it should, to tell the truth if he is that controlling. Remember the saying of the Old Bastards Club, Illigementi non Carborundom, translated to Don't let the Bastards grind you down!! lol Good Luck to you and Happy Thanksgiving!!

Answer 3

My dad is the same way he was never there for me when i was growinf up all he did was get me a christmas present every year and come to my graduation. Now he wants to rule me. Nothing is good. I need to wax my lip, dont wear shirts like that, whats wrong with your hair, you need to eat meat because you look sick and its not HOW The hell he thinks he know whats best for me after 30 years .Just look at it like a grain of salt and he will be gone soon. I always and still believe that the telephone is a beautiful thing

Answer 4

What is your question? Do you need validation? Kudos for defending yourself. The holidays are tough because all families have issues, some bigger than others. But verbal and emotional abuse is just as bad if not worse than physical, so don't feel obligated to invite him anymore. Bible says honor thy mother and father, not take their abuse. Be kind, but protect yourself, and if that means no more time with dad until he can respect your adulthood, then so be it.

Answer 5

Your dad has serious unresolved issues....he needs help. As for you, you don't need anymore stress in your life. Try to explain this to your dad and let him know you love him (if this is true) but if he cant leave the past and his manipulative ways at the door he doesn't need to bother to visit. Good Luck. P.S. your a beautiful person don't let anyone take that from you. :) It's always whats on the inside dear,you can alter the outside but not the inside :)

Answer 6

Mine is an appetizer a Puff Pastry with Mushrooms and blue cheese - one million roll of Phyllo dough one million pckg Reg white mushrooms two Portabello mushrooms one million pckg of blue cheese crumbles two sticks of butter one million bottle of port wine Thaw out the Phyllo dough (if frozen). This frequently takes approximately three hours. Preheat oven at 350 levels. Saute' mushrooms in a pan with a stick of butter (four tbsp) and one million cup of wine for approximately 20 - 25 mins. Heat the moment stick of butter till all melted. Lay three or four sheets of phyllo on best of eachother. Put tbsp of mushrooms on best layer. Add tsp of blue cheese as good. Wrap it up with best layer of phyllo, brush butter on that layer and wrap it with the moment. Lightly butter the highest and wrap it once more. Repeat till you run out of mushrooms or phyllo sheets. *You would possibly wrap the pastry into any form you prefer. I do conventional rectangles. They take among 20 and half-hour to bake. This recipe is what I continually do whilst taking whatever to anyone else's residence for Thanksgiving. It's continually successful! A high-quality recipe for mashed potatoes (simply to spice it up!) is whilst mashing potatoes, prepare dinner with cream (no longer water or milk!) and upload horseradish sauce and blue cheese. It's excellent!