She has been very naughty. How can I give her a birthday or Christmas present? I'm thinking of giving her a card and a dollar. It is hard, but her other relatives who don't know all the details of her crazy year can reward her unconditionally. She has put our family through the ringer with her grades, defiant attitude and sense of entitlement this year. So, what to do. Believe she is disciplined, but she has so much 14 year old angst.
Thanks!
2007-11-20 23:50:14 · 15 answers · asked by Sleek 7 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
At 14, I couldn't not get something for my daughters b-day and Xmas, those are her days. I don't care what she's done, if you've punished her for her course of action why continue it on. You're asking for that child to require counselling when she's older.
2007-11-20 23:54:06 · answer #1 · answered by Yummy♥Mummy 6 · 6⤊ 1⤋
You know, when you're a parent, there's a place for discipline and setting limits and standing firm. And there's also a place for showing your children that no matter what they've done or how awful they've been, you love them to bits even so. Unless you keep giving them that message as well, then it's hard for any amount of discipline to make a difference. Ultimately, no matter how far off the rails we are, most of us are moved more by wanting to please the people we care about than by wanting to avoid punishment.
So, I would treat her exactly the same way this Christmas that you would if her behaviour had been wonderful. I don't think Christmas should be about rewards or punishments. I think it should be about showing your unconditional love and appreciation of those you care about.
I'm sorry to hear it's been such a difficult year for you all. Any idea what's going wrong? There is this one blog I read on which the writer wrote about how difficult and unmanageable she became in her teenage years, and how difficult her parents found it to handle this. What they didn't know is that the reason she was acting out was because a friend of the family had been sexually abusing her, and trying to keep this secret was so unbearable for her to deal with that she had to act out as her way of coping. It was so sad and so thought-provoking - reminded me that things aren't always what they look like on the surface. I hope that if my child ever goes off the rails, I'll remember that there might be more to it than meets the eye and maybe I should try to find out whether they're very sad rather than bad.
2007-11-21 03:41:47 · answer #2 · answered by Sarah V 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would sit her down and explain to her that her behavior this year has shown that she is ungrateful for the things in her life. If she can't show gratitutde for the things she already has, then she will not be getting anything new for the holidays. Children are not ENTITLED to gifts. There are plenty of children whose parents just simply cannot afford these luxuries and kids who feel entitled to them are just acting like spoiled brats. She needs to see what it's like to actually have NOTHING. I would make it a family tradition at Christmas to spend the holidays volunteering together at a homeless shelter or another help center. That way, she can see what life is like for those who don't have money, parents who love them, etc. She needs to see what real life is like. And YOU control who gets her presents. You can either tell everyone not to buy her gifts or you can let the presents come and require that SHE call each one of them and explain that she will not be able to accept them. I know it sounds cruel but I suspect you've tried the NICE way the entire year. You can only try the nice guy approach for so long. Sometimes kids just need swift kick in the a s s .
2007-11-21 02:14:01 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know exactly what you are talking about. We are in the same situation and this particular daughter will be heading to a military school for 5 1/2 months in January. What you are feeling is resentment and anger that she holds your family hostage and you feel that giving her gifts will reward her bad behavior. That is not the case. Oh, I wouldn't buy her huge gifts, but be loving and give her clothes or books, something nice but not over the top. Take the high road, don't ruin her days. I know, sounds silly. My husband and I have been put thru hell because of our 15 y/o. It's been going on for 5 years and we've been thru so much. We had to learn how to take back control of our house. My husband had to start physically getting in her face and setting her straight. ALL items have been removed from her room except bed, dresser, nightstand and desk. She has no computer priviledges, no cell phone, no i pod. Nothing. You have to get tough now or you will lose her by the time she's 18. I highly recommend you look to see if The National Guard Youth Challenge Program is in your state. If so, get her in it. Lay down the law and be firm.
Good luck. If you want more help with this or to vent, email me anytime. This can truly tear your family apart. Sorry, I know this wasn't your question, but I couldn't resist. People have no idea what it's like to live like this. So thank you for letting me offer advice when that wasn't what you asked for besides the gift question.
2007-11-21 01:59:47 · answer #4 · answered by oh_my_its_linda 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You suck it up and realize that now she is a teenager. Its a transition period that will hopefully clear up soon. I hope by now she still doesn't believe in santa so this way if she doesn't get anything for christmas you can't blame santa. If you punished her throughout the year for the things she did wrong then there is absolutly no reason to not get her presents. Her birthday is her special day so you should deffenetly get her what she wants. Christmas I guess cause of the whole naught nice thing if you want there to be some punishment get her and actualy present but not soemthing she really wants.
2007-11-21 07:04:34 · answer #5 · answered by hearts_and_swirls_518 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, I have to sort of agree with the first answerer. If you've punished her for those actions while they happened there's no need to punish her now. Once the punishment over, the slate is clean, so to speak. It shouldn't be brought back up. I was a horrible teenager as well but my parents never gave me "coal" for Christmas or anything like that. I look back and realize how much they must have loved me, even when I was pushing them away and being a complete brat - and it makes me love and appreciate them and their method of parenting all the more.
You said it yourself - it's 14 year old angst. She'll grow out of it. It's the way we were :P
2007-11-20 23:59:42 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have a 13 year old girl and she is starting this behavior.
If you take away her Christmas and birthday presents you will be giving her the greatest gift of all.... a lesson in how to treat others! In REAL life...when you treat others like garbage...you get nothing in return. You will not be depriving her of anything by not giving her gifts. Many good children do not get gifts because they are poor.
I like the idea the other posters said...feed others at the homeless shelter.
Hang in there.
2007-11-21 05:51:22 · answer #7 · answered by no name 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My son is eight and I'm not impressed with his grades and/or attitude as well this school year. Though he has been punished his attitude. He was told if he continues this behavior he will not have a good Christmas at all. I just don't see a need to reward him for acting up in school all year long. If you feel that she doesn't deserve to have a good Christmas and/or birthday (and you know how your daughter has been better than any of us) then go with your gut on it. She will not need counseling over Christmas and birthday gifts. At best she will realize that you will not reward her for her attitude and if she wants rewards, then she is going to have to check her attitude, behavior and grades.
2007-11-21 01:03:05 · answer #8 · answered by Keetta 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Get her something that has a bunch of other things that go with it. I don't know what she's into but an example: get her an ipod, then tell her every time her grades are good or she does a random act of kindness then you will get her something to go with it: A cool case, Some music downloads, or whatever else there is. You get the idea. It is a way to give her something but also make sure she keeps her grades up and her attitude in check.
2007-11-20 23:59:28 · answer #9 · answered by just me 6 · 6⤊ 0⤋
whilst my son replaced into youthful around 3-5 i might have my brother call him and pretend to be Santa. My brother might say he replaced into checking in and making valuable he replaced into being good ect.. and ask him what he needed for Christmas if it replaced into some thing outrageous or quite high priced he might say oh nicely Santa has a cut back because of fact of all the youngsters contained in the worldwide or what ever. possibly you have got her dad or a male do this and characteristic him exchange his voice and sound all jolly you're able to make it sound as genuine as obtainable and characteristic him clarify that Santa purely does toys ect.. good success!
2017-01-05 22:16:01 · answer #10 · answered by mick 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would still have to get my child presents. I think though that I might take her and sign up for some volunteer work with the homeless so that she can see what she has but also what others have.
2007-11-21 03:50:44 · answer #11 · answered by albiesmom06 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋