I'm smarter than this...I think?

Question

I have been with my bf for almost 8 years.
I recently found on his computer that he has been looking at internet sites that are a bit ...um... unorthadox.
Not the normal boy/girl, girl/girl, boy/boy stuff.
I'm taking WEIRD.
I dont know what to make of it.
We share a laptop - he uses it for his writing and I use it for school (I'm 27 and he is 31)
I've found stuff on his computer before (the first time by accident) and it makes me not trust him.
All of this happened recently so I feel like I've been lied to all these years. Like he wasn't showing me the real 'him' because he was scared I would judge him.
Truth is, what I found is so ... odd, that its hard not to judge.
I have to say I'm definitely NOT into it and I can't help being disgusted by it. So he is right that I don't like it.
8 years is a really long time and he is the love of my life, but I don't know if I am being stupid for staying with him.
I'm not going to say what it was that I found though, I just cant.

What is your opinion on this? (I had to add the question right? and not just vent )

Answer 1

Before you make any decisions you need to open the lines of communication with him. It sounds like you two don't talk enough about the tough issues.

I know some guys who email each other what they call "granny porn" all the time. They think it's hilarious to tease each other about liking naked old ladies. Of course, none of them actually do. They are all middle-aged, but deep down, they are thirteen. It's just how guys are.

Until you TALK to your boyfriend you only know half the story, and you made part of it up in your head. Sit him down and have a serious heart to heart. Then and only then can you make a decision.

Answer 2

Take into account the complete personality of your bf. Has he shown in real life the tendencies that also make you very uncomfortable? Is his "fantasy world" really only shown through the computer? The internet gives everyont the shield of anonimity and also the invincibility of the all powerful alter ego. If you truly want a clear conscience about this issue, ask your bf specifically about these websites and his attraction. If these 8 yrs of relations have really meant anything to him like they have to you, he will fess up and explain what it is all about. If he dodges the question or blows you off, then there is obviously more to it. Remember, dont ask a question that you are really not prepared to know the answer to. Have an open mind and be prepared for anything. Good luck.

Answer 3

Well, this is another man talking. What was he looking at? what is the web site? No, I don't really want to know, but, men do see things differently than women. Let me put it this way, a lot of men will look at porn, some will buy it, and, a few will try to get their mates involved in it. That being said, if you feel betrayed, hurt, embarrassed, and disgusted with what you see, then it is time to do some soul searching. Is he just looking (curious) or a regular user. It is easy for me to say, leave the bum, but, you might not want to. I think you are going to have to confront him and see what he says. If in your eyes he has, desecrated your relationship, offended your moral beliefs, and jeopardized your respect for him. Then you may have to go your separate ways.

Answer 4

You are right that this is a major trust issue and you don't trust him any more. It's hard to walk away from eight years of a relationship. But maybe there is a reason he's still your boyfriend and hasn't moved up to being your husband. Perhaps you should take a look around and see what else is out there. Good luck and don't settle for 'almost good enough'.

Answer 5

As long as it is only something on the computer, don't stress yourself. Men like to fantasize about things they know they would never be able to do with the person they love. Every night when I go to bed my husband gets on the computer and looks at porn! I have kinda gotten use to it because he and I know I would never do those things, but I love him and this is not something I will ever leave him for. So just don't get stressed enjoy life. Hope this helps, best of luck to you!

Answer 6

Eight years is a long relationship without any real resolution as to where it's going. The only way you're going to know where this thing is going is to confront him. Frankly, I hope it ends in a breakup, unless there's an awfully good explanation. Also, I would guess that you've had your doubts or you wouldn't be so concerned.

Answer 7

Intimacy is a very big part of a healthy relationship. And if one person is dissastisfied, unfulfilled, or uncomfortable with the other person's fantasies, for me it could only spell trouble (unhappiness). Personally I wouldn't be able to stay in the relationship. I hope whatever you decide, that both of you come out of it with your self-respects intact. Good luck.

Answer 8

I would confront him about it. See what he says. Yes he is lying but you are making the tension worst if you don't bring the problem out into the open. Communication is the key to any relationship. You will have to decide what to do once you see what his reaction is to the subject, and what he has to say.

Good Luck.

Answer 9

I dont think it's something u should break up over. U can't know EVERYTHING about him...everyone has secrets and I'm sure he doesn't know absolutely everything about u. I dont even think its something u have to bring up unless it really bothers u. Just explain to him u found it and ur not mad or anything u just want to make it clear ur not into that kinda stuff.

Answer 10

You need to discuss this with him. The 'stuff' must upset you that you are thinking about it a lot and Asking Question In Yahoo.

Again, talk with him and state your disapproval. Hopefully he will see how you feel and change his ways. Good luck.